[I'm not very sure what all happened while I was away, but I've decided to split this into three parts, oddly separated by David's cuts in the show. Each part will be posted today, Saturday, and Sunday, respectively.]
[Sounds of crackling flames along with crickets. In the background one can hear David emergency radio talking about the incoming storm.]
Kagy: [whispering] There are no lights, Springhill. It's an overcast, starless, moonless night without power. [Not whispering] David, how far out are we?
David: [in the background] Pretty far. Twenty miles?
Kagy: Springhill, if you can hear this, congratulations, you're still alive. It's two in the morning, and I'm betting your panicing right now. David and I are camped out at lake Black Well beaming this transmission to K.N.O.T. Hopefully, with it's emergency power, we' are still broadcasting. Honestly, I don't really know if you can hear me. Where there once was a glow over the trees in the direction of Springhill, there is nothing. No stars, no moon, to city shine. I'm hear with my coven and we're all gather around a fire. Everyone Introduce yourself.
Darren: I...Uh...where do I...?
David: Just talk in the mic. Improvise.
Darren: I'm Darren.
Kagy: My Malkavian Darren. Dr. Nick?
Nick: Hello everybody, I'm Dr. Nick.
Vlad: Vlad.
Kagy: And I'm Kagy, of course. We are all sitting around a fire in the woods at Camp End Trail. Is that Cabin 13?
Vlad: Yes. I think that's where one of the Jack Splatter murder's took place.
Kagy: Always morbid, us. Darren, you wanna explain what just happened to us?
Darren: Um...no.
Kagy: Come on. You've been on the show before.
Darren: Make Dr. Nick do it. Dave, can we get on the net with that thing?
David: Not happening. I'm not even sure this signal is getting to the station.
Nick: I'll tell 'em. Springhill, if your out there, the entire city has lost power. All power, all at once. We barely made itthrough the trafic. Man, did you guys see all the cars leaving Springhill on 55? It's like the end of the world out there!
Kagy: And?
Nick: Not much to tell, really. Kagy got us all together at the station. She convinced that one guy...
Vlad: That was Tom Wits. The station director.
Nick: Yeah. She convinced him to do a remote show at lake Black Well. So we all jumped into Vlad's minivan. Seriously, people. Vlad, Master of the night has a minivan. And...uh...We all came out here.
Vlad: On the way out of Springhill, that's when the lights shut off. Not just the buildings, of course, somehow the traffic lights as well. It was Ten-o-seven. I remember.
Kagy: I don't hate being right.
Vlad: Yes. How DID you know this would happen?
Kagy: I'll get to that later. David, how much time can we record on your laptop?
David: Until your friend's car battery runs out.
Darren: I'm an idiot. I should'a grabbed my laptop.
Nick: Why didn't you?
Darren: I thought Kagy was full of it. Uh...By the way, Kagy, I don't think I've ever seen you like that?
Kagy: Like what?
Vlad: You are dressed to hike.
Kagy: I have other clothes than just my clubbing clothes. I even have an apron stashed somewhere.
Nick: Shhh... [pause] Did you guys hear that?
Kagy: Hear what? I can't hear a thing over these crickets.
Nick: Sshhhhhh...
[long pause]
Vlad: I think I heard it too.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
What's the Plan?
[Segments starts with Dead Man's Party, by Oingo Boingo]
Kagy: Alrighty, Almighty. We're coming upon the end times, for starting tonight we experience a lightless sky. When Springhill turns black, what are you gonna do? Caller Thirty-Nine, how about you?
Caller 39: Kagy, It's late, but I just wanted to tell you and Springhill to stop underestimating us high-schoolers. We're not dumb teenagers. We're not mindlessly going to do what we're told. We're responsible human beings with a will of our own.
Kagy: Ah, 'responsibility.' Truly, yous is the voice of a generation.
Caller 39: Yeah! I know. I do well enough in school, so what are ya' complaining about?!! I'm NOT wasting my life!
Kagy: Let's see, it's almost three in the morning, Thirty-Nine. Why are you up?
Caller 39: Oh...Yeah, I'm fighting for the horde tonight and I got caught up.
Kagy: How long have you been playing World of War-crack this morning?
Caller 39: Uh...about...since I got out of school. [click]
Kagy: Voice of a generation? Caller Forty. [whisper] Ooo, we made it to Forty. [not so whisper] What are your plans later tonight?
Caller 40: Hello, Kathryn.
Kagy: Hey, everybody! It's Vlad! Springhill's one and only vampire. What's up, Vlad-inator.
Vlad: I told you not to call me that. I was wondering, Kathryn, what are YOU planning tonight.
Kagy: Me? I'm not going to be in Springhill, certainly. I'll be at lake Black Well watching the city burn at a distance. I hope I can see the fire's glow over the trees. Too many trees around Springhill.
Vlad: M'yes. The bigger question is, what do you expect to happen tonight, little dove?
Kagy: Tonight's the 13th, and the moon will ju-u-ust about be a new moon. Until sunrise, all lights in the town will be shut out and we will experience a Lightless Sky.
Vlad: You're so sure of that.
Kagy: Have you even known me to exaggerate?
Vlad: Exaggerate? No. Lie? Yes.
Kagy: Ha! Watch the night, Lord Vlad-inator, and you will see. Being a vampire, you'll likely be the only one who CAN see.
Vlad: And afterwards, I would wager the Springhill Police force may have words with you.
Kagy: I will burn the bridge after I cross it. [click] Caller Forty-One, What are your plans tonight?
Caller 41: Oh my God, Kagy, have I got the best thing for you and your listeners. It's so simple you'll be scratching your head for days wondering why you've never done it before. It's a simple program that anyone can do called Cash-Gifting.
Kagy: Uh-huh. Cash gifting. Isn't that an online pyramid scheme, Forty-one?
Caller 41: No, absolutely not, Kagy. It's just a simple method of making money. It works like this. All you need to do is take one-hundred dollars, then put it into an envelope, hide that in a magazine, then send the magazine in a package to me. At the same time, you'll be asking the same thing of your friends who, in turn will do the exact same thing.
Kagy: So...You want people to send you money and then have other people send THEM money...for nothing?
Caller 41: It's not a scam, Kagy.
Kagy: I don't remember saying that.
Caller 41: It's a gift. And I believe there is enough human kindness in the world for everyone to win this way.
Kagy: Well, considering you'd be at the top, I can't imagine this as a pyramid scheme. Thanks for showing me the way, Forty-One.
Caller 41: Just send your money to P.O. Box- [click]
Kagy: Forty-Two. Last words before the last show?
Caller 42: In a debate between a man and a woman, is the man ever right, Kagy?
Kagy: Only when she's dead. [click] That's it for me tonight, dear listeners. Assuming the town survives that next couple of nights, I'll be at the remains of the Cerulean Theatre with Mina's Movie Club where all films are all vampire movies. This week's movie will be the Dracula, the original Bela Lugosi film. We are a production of K.N.O.T. College radio in Springhill Oklahoma. In the Red is produced with fear by David Orger and hosted by myself, Kathryn Guilty. K-G. Kagy, get it? Stop calling about that. Kind thank-yous to our fearless director who doesn't believe me about the lightless sky, Tom Wits, and thank yous, of course, to everyone who called in, even you. Special thanks also to each child who listened to this or any other small time radio. Goodnight, princes and princesses, and have very sweet nightmares.
[End with Isolated, by Chiasm]
Kagy: Alrighty, Almighty. We're coming upon the end times, for starting tonight we experience a lightless sky. When Springhill turns black, what are you gonna do? Caller Thirty-Nine, how about you?
Caller 39: Kagy, It's late, but I just wanted to tell you and Springhill to stop underestimating us high-schoolers. We're not dumb teenagers. We're not mindlessly going to do what we're told. We're responsible human beings with a will of our own.
Kagy: Ah, 'responsibility.' Truly, yous is the voice of a generation.
Caller 39: Yeah! I know. I do well enough in school, so what are ya' complaining about?!! I'm NOT wasting my life!
Kagy: Let's see, it's almost three in the morning, Thirty-Nine. Why are you up?
Caller 39: Oh...Yeah, I'm fighting for the horde tonight and I got caught up.
Kagy: How long have you been playing World of War-crack this morning?
Caller 39: Uh...about...since I got out of school. [click]
Kagy: Voice of a generation? Caller Forty. [whisper] Ooo, we made it to Forty. [not so whisper] What are your plans later tonight?
Caller 40: Hello, Kathryn.
Kagy: Hey, everybody! It's Vlad! Springhill's one and only vampire. What's up, Vlad-inator.
Vlad: I told you not to call me that. I was wondering, Kathryn, what are YOU planning tonight.
Kagy: Me? I'm not going to be in Springhill, certainly. I'll be at lake Black Well watching the city burn at a distance. I hope I can see the fire's glow over the trees. Too many trees around Springhill.
Vlad: M'yes. The bigger question is, what do you expect to happen tonight, little dove?
Kagy: Tonight's the 13th, and the moon will ju-u-ust about be a new moon. Until sunrise, all lights in the town will be shut out and we will experience a Lightless Sky.
Vlad: You're so sure of that.
Kagy: Have you even known me to exaggerate?
Vlad: Exaggerate? No. Lie? Yes.
Kagy: Ha! Watch the night, Lord Vlad-inator, and you will see. Being a vampire, you'll likely be the only one who CAN see.
Vlad: And afterwards, I would wager the Springhill Police force may have words with you.
Kagy: I will burn the bridge after I cross it. [click] Caller Forty-One, What are your plans tonight?
Caller 41: Oh my God, Kagy, have I got the best thing for you and your listeners. It's so simple you'll be scratching your head for days wondering why you've never done it before. It's a simple program that anyone can do called Cash-Gifting.
Kagy: Uh-huh. Cash gifting. Isn't that an online pyramid scheme, Forty-one?
Caller 41: No, absolutely not, Kagy. It's just a simple method of making money. It works like this. All you need to do is take one-hundred dollars, then put it into an envelope, hide that in a magazine, then send the magazine in a package to me. At the same time, you'll be asking the same thing of your friends who, in turn will do the exact same thing.
Kagy: So...You want people to send you money and then have other people send THEM money...for nothing?
Caller 41: It's not a scam, Kagy.
Kagy: I don't remember saying that.
Caller 41: It's a gift. And I believe there is enough human kindness in the world for everyone to win this way.
Kagy: Well, considering you'd be at the top, I can't imagine this as a pyramid scheme. Thanks for showing me the way, Forty-One.
Caller 41: Just send your money to P.O. Box- [click]
Kagy: Forty-Two. Last words before the last show?
Caller 42: In a debate between a man and a woman, is the man ever right, Kagy?
Kagy: Only when she's dead. [click] That's it for me tonight, dear listeners. Assuming the town survives that next couple of nights, I'll be at the remains of the Cerulean Theatre with Mina's Movie Club where all films are all vampire movies. This week's movie will be the Dracula, the original Bela Lugosi film. We are a production of K.N.O.T. College radio in Springhill Oklahoma. In the Red is produced with fear by David Orger and hosted by myself, Kathryn Guilty. K-G. Kagy, get it? Stop calling about that. Kind thank-yous to our fearless director who doesn't believe me about the lightless sky, Tom Wits, and thank yous, of course, to everyone who called in, even you. Special thanks also to each child who listened to this or any other small time radio. Goodnight, princes and princesses, and have very sweet nightmares.
[End with Isolated, by Chiasm]
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Episode with Benjamin's Shrine
[Segment starts with Perfect Tan, by Machines of Loving Grace]
Kagy: Hey, welcome back. We were engaged in a little test, Springhill. I want to see if you're even paying attention to my questions, so I ask you: Springhill, What time is it? Caller Twenty-Five, What time is it?
Caller 25: When are we as American's going to realize that there isn't such a thing as racial profiling. It's not political correctness when every terrorist is ACTUAL a Muslim! I hate this PC crap.
Kagy: Wow. Poe's Law in action. Before I hang up on you, Twenty-Five, are the Gay's unnatural? I'm testing a theory.
Caller 25: 'Course they are! [click]
Kagy: Ladies and Gentlemen, Poe's Law states that without a show of humor, it's impossible to tell the difference between parody and fundamentalism. Fortunately that statement has enough multisyllabic words so I'm exempt from backlash from the listeners of whom it applies. Caller Twenty-Six, what time is it?
Caller 26: It's Two-Fifteen and a girl I once knew has fallen under the curse of Benjamin Franklin.
Kagy: Alri-i-i-ight.
Caller 26: She was only twenty-two and we scoffed at a shine you could only find by turning this blue screw two quarters to the left before the secret doors would open. Inside we found all manner of tributes from book about the Free Masons to scented candles. I even found a DVD set of Akira Kurosawa's 1954 classic, Seven Samurai. We knew it was an earnest shrine, as if a man wished to show the strangeness and wonder of the modern world to a country's founder.
Kagy: What happened.
Caller 26: We were cocky; especially her. We sang and drank that night until the glass around us broke. It wasn't a tribute, but a cynical terror. We were bullies, the two us, and while intoxicated she formed herself in sacred shapes as a blasphemy to the church of genuine worship. Neither of us are certain how the curse came about. Perhaps some trap left by the shrine's creator. An ancient Egyptian trick of some sort. No matter the method, we both began to go mad. After leaving, there was word about a boy or girl who killed themselves floating in the air. No one told us, we just knew. She began to rave that it was her fault, but I remained vigilant to reality asking for further proof of the boy or girl's original existence. As I drove her home, it was apparent to me we were both losing our minds. We would share illusions of grotesqueness in the shadows. The corner of our vision filled with severed body parts and maggots. The electric lines became something sinister with no indication. I would constantly remind her that there was no screaming head caught on the windshield to witch she would always ask, 'if it's not real, how do you not also see it?' [pause]
Kagy: You still there.
Caller 26: Sorry. I...I just miss her. She is still alive, but succumbed to our rotted imagination. Despite the damage to my faculties, I still remain resolute. Reality is my God, and I, it's humble servant. You see, it takes care of me. She was always too confident to bow down to anything greater than herself, certain that she was in control of herself at all times. That's the real tragedy. If the visions remain, it only because she's certain it what she wants to see. I tell you this as a warning, Ms. Kagy. If in your travels of Springhill in the night you should come across an old brick building and find a shrine of any sort, please. Pay it respect measured by the care that went into it's creation. [he hung up]
Kagy: Wow. That's quite some story. Uh...David is signaling that we need to cut to commercial. I'll talk to you in a bit.
Kagy: Hey, welcome back. We were engaged in a little test, Springhill. I want to see if you're even paying attention to my questions, so I ask you: Springhill, What time is it? Caller Twenty-Five, What time is it?
Caller 25: When are we as American's going to realize that there isn't such a thing as racial profiling. It's not political correctness when every terrorist is ACTUAL a Muslim! I hate this PC crap.
Kagy: Wow. Poe's Law in action. Before I hang up on you, Twenty-Five, are the Gay's unnatural? I'm testing a theory.
Caller 25: 'Course they are! [click]
Kagy: Ladies and Gentlemen, Poe's Law states that without a show of humor, it's impossible to tell the difference between parody and fundamentalism. Fortunately that statement has enough multisyllabic words so I'm exempt from backlash from the listeners of whom it applies. Caller Twenty-Six, what time is it?
Caller 26: It's Two-Fifteen and a girl I once knew has fallen under the curse of Benjamin Franklin.
Kagy: Alri-i-i-ight.
Caller 26: She was only twenty-two and we scoffed at a shine you could only find by turning this blue screw two quarters to the left before the secret doors would open. Inside we found all manner of tributes from book about the Free Masons to scented candles. I even found a DVD set of Akira Kurosawa's 1954 classic, Seven Samurai. We knew it was an earnest shrine, as if a man wished to show the strangeness and wonder of the modern world to a country's founder.
Kagy: What happened.
Caller 26: We were cocky; especially her. We sang and drank that night until the glass around us broke. It wasn't a tribute, but a cynical terror. We were bullies, the two us, and while intoxicated she formed herself in sacred shapes as a blasphemy to the church of genuine worship. Neither of us are certain how the curse came about. Perhaps some trap left by the shrine's creator. An ancient Egyptian trick of some sort. No matter the method, we both began to go mad. After leaving, there was word about a boy or girl who killed themselves floating in the air. No one told us, we just knew. She began to rave that it was her fault, but I remained vigilant to reality asking for further proof of the boy or girl's original existence. As I drove her home, it was apparent to me we were both losing our minds. We would share illusions of grotesqueness in the shadows. The corner of our vision filled with severed body parts and maggots. The electric lines became something sinister with no indication. I would constantly remind her that there was no screaming head caught on the windshield to witch she would always ask, 'if it's not real, how do you not also see it?' [pause]
Kagy: You still there.
Caller 26: Sorry. I...I just miss her. She is still alive, but succumbed to our rotted imagination. Despite the damage to my faculties, I still remain resolute. Reality is my God, and I, it's humble servant. You see, it takes care of me. She was always too confident to bow down to anything greater than herself, certain that she was in control of herself at all times. That's the real tragedy. If the visions remain, it only because she's certain it what she wants to see. I tell you this as a warning, Ms. Kagy. If in your travels of Springhill in the night you should come across an old brick building and find a shrine of any sort, please. Pay it respect measured by the care that went into it's creation. [he hung up]
Kagy: Wow. That's quite some story. Uh...David is signaling that we need to cut to commercial. I'll talk to you in a bit.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Who's Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes?
Kagy: My friends. You and I are interested in the future, for that is where we will spend the rest of our lives. Yes, future events such as these will effect you in the future. Can you withstand the unimaginable horror of In the Red with me, Kagy? Springhill, how have you been? This week, we will experience a lightless sky. Are you ready? Am I? Call me and talk to me before the world ends. Tonight's question is: Who do you want to see against the wall when the revelution comes? Let that soak in while I play you a tune.
[plays Birthday, by the Cruxshadows]
Kagy: Alright, caller one, you are on. Who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?
Caller 1: Advertisers. Bunch of lying basters if you ask me! Like telephone services. AT&T says they cover 97% of all Americans! That's impossible. What about the one's without phones?
Kagy: I don't think that's what they mean.
Caller 1: What about the one's on military bases, or vacationing in the jungle somewhere?
Kagy: I think they mean everyone who uses cell phones.
Caller 1: Awe no. That is NOT what they say. They say very CLEARLY “97% of ALL Americans.”
Kagy: I hate to ask, but, what cell phone company are you using?
Caller 1: I don't use cell phones! Those things'll give you cancer! In the head!
Kagy: So you talking on a LAN Line?
Caller 1: What? No! I'm using a 1950's rotary phone, like every American should.
Kagy: Apparently only 3% do. [click] Caller Two, When the revolution comes, who would you screw?
Caller 2: Hey, Kagy. I finished building this nifty little device!
Kagy: And this has to do with our topic because...?
Caller 2: It's a device that you just add sand and water to. Works quietly and effectively! You'll love it. You can use it around the house or in the basement or in your car!
Kagy: [pause] So?
Caller 2: So what?
Kagy: So what does it do?
Caller 2: What do you mean? It freezes sand.
Kagy: It freezes sand.
Caller 2: It's specifically designed to freeze sand. Yeah.
Kagy: Okay, you have my attention. Please enlighten me and my audience as to the countless uses for frozen sand.
Caller 2: Well, you could...uh... You could... I mean... Did I mention the car adapter.
Kagy: Fabulous. [click] Caller Three, What do you think of Frozen Sand?
Caller 3: It beats bears. I mean the animal, not the sport.
Kagy: I suppose so. So who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?
Caller 3: You mean the political, not the dance? I guess I'd want Keith Oberman. The news-guy, not the dog.
Kagy: There's a Dog names Keith Oberman?
Caller 3: Well, Keith Doberman. He lives just round the block. The Dog, not the news guy. And, oh, I mean city block, not the wooden ones. And I mean My block, not your- [click]
Kagy: Caller Four, whom I adore. Why do you call me for?
Caller 4: I was pondering, as I listened to your beautiful voice, the condensation of morning dew upon the petals of a rose.
Kagy: Awe, that's actually...sweet, Four. How dost thou compare me to this morning dew?
Caller 4: Dew? DEW A BARRLE ROLL! [click]
Kagy: Pht. Ya' got me. Caller Five, you have arrived.
Caller 5: Springhill! Do NOT wear your bike helmets!
Kagy: What? Why not?
Caller 5: They're dangerous! I'm serious. My friend was riding his bike with that helmet on and BAM, hit by a truck.
Kagy: Alright. How was the helmet to blame?
Caller 5: I don't know, but two year ago, my sister was wearing a helmet when she hit an ice patch on her motorcycle. Crippled her.
Kagy: I'm not sure where you're leading with this.
Caller 5: Okay, like, this guy on Cops was wearing a helmet when BAM! Shot to death.
Kagy: I'm sure that's not true.
Caller 5: I don't know what the connection is, yet, but everyone I know who wears helmets get seriously hurt. Those things are damage magnets, man! Avoid Helmets at ALL costs!
Kagy: Alright, that's enough of that.
Caller 5: Fight the helmets! [click]
Kagy: I think it's time for a break, people, but we'll be right back with helmets, barrels, and frozen sand after this.
[roll commercials]
[plays Birthday, by the Cruxshadows]
Kagy: Alright, caller one, you are on. Who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?
Caller 1: Advertisers. Bunch of lying basters if you ask me! Like telephone services. AT&T says they cover 97% of all Americans! That's impossible. What about the one's without phones?
Kagy: I don't think that's what they mean.
Caller 1: What about the one's on military bases, or vacationing in the jungle somewhere?
Kagy: I think they mean everyone who uses cell phones.
Caller 1: Awe no. That is NOT what they say. They say very CLEARLY “97% of ALL Americans.”
Kagy: I hate to ask, but, what cell phone company are you using?
Caller 1: I don't use cell phones! Those things'll give you cancer! In the head!
Kagy: So you talking on a LAN Line?
Caller 1: What? No! I'm using a 1950's rotary phone, like every American should.
Kagy: Apparently only 3% do. [click] Caller Two, When the revolution comes, who would you screw?
Caller 2: Hey, Kagy. I finished building this nifty little device!
Kagy: And this has to do with our topic because...?
Caller 2: It's a device that you just add sand and water to. Works quietly and effectively! You'll love it. You can use it around the house or in the basement or in your car!
Kagy: [pause] So?
Caller 2: So what?
Kagy: So what does it do?
Caller 2: What do you mean? It freezes sand.
Kagy: It freezes sand.
Caller 2: It's specifically designed to freeze sand. Yeah.
Kagy: Okay, you have my attention. Please enlighten me and my audience as to the countless uses for frozen sand.
Caller 2: Well, you could...uh... You could... I mean... Did I mention the car adapter.
Kagy: Fabulous. [click] Caller Three, What do you think of Frozen Sand?
Caller 3: It beats bears. I mean the animal, not the sport.
Kagy: I suppose so. So who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?
Caller 3: You mean the political, not the dance? I guess I'd want Keith Oberman. The news-guy, not the dog.
Kagy: There's a Dog names Keith Oberman?
Caller 3: Well, Keith Doberman. He lives just round the block. The Dog, not the news guy. And, oh, I mean city block, not the wooden ones. And I mean My block, not your- [click]
Kagy: Caller Four, whom I adore. Why do you call me for?
Caller 4: I was pondering, as I listened to your beautiful voice, the condensation of morning dew upon the petals of a rose.
Kagy: Awe, that's actually...sweet, Four. How dost thou compare me to this morning dew?
Caller 4: Dew? DEW A BARRLE ROLL! [click]
Kagy: Pht. Ya' got me. Caller Five, you have arrived.
Caller 5: Springhill! Do NOT wear your bike helmets!
Kagy: What? Why not?
Caller 5: They're dangerous! I'm serious. My friend was riding his bike with that helmet on and BAM, hit by a truck.
Kagy: Alright. How was the helmet to blame?
Caller 5: I don't know, but two year ago, my sister was wearing a helmet when she hit an ice patch on her motorcycle. Crippled her.
Kagy: I'm not sure where you're leading with this.
Caller 5: Okay, like, this guy on Cops was wearing a helmet when BAM! Shot to death.
Kagy: I'm sure that's not true.
Caller 5: I don't know what the connection is, yet, but everyone I know who wears helmets get seriously hurt. Those things are damage magnets, man! Avoid Helmets at ALL costs!
Kagy: Alright, that's enough of that.
Caller 5: Fight the helmets! [click]
Kagy: I think it's time for a break, people, but we'll be right back with helmets, barrels, and frozen sand after this.
[roll commercials]
Monday, May 10, 2010
What Would You Do With Two Hours to Live?
[Segments starts with I Use My Powers for Evil, by Lesbian Bed Death]
Kagy: Would you believe that even I, Queen Kagy, am getting tired? It's true! Even the tireless night's queen get's...uh... So let's wrap this show up. Caller Thirty -Four, What would you do if you have two hours to live?
Caller 34: Are you Emo?
Kagy: I...hmmm... That depresses me just enough to cut myself at night.
Caller 34: No, I mean it. I mean, you're all sad and stuff. Cheer up, Emo Duck.
Kagy: Ri-i-ight. What makes you think I'm emo, Thrity-Four?
Caller 34: You dress in all black. You play all depressing songs and stuff. You got this weird bondage thing going on.
Kagy: A: I rarely wear all black anymore. Not since I shocked my hair white. B: Morbid songs, sure; not depressing. C: I wear what I like to see myself in, but that doesn't make me “into bondage and stuff.” And C: Nothing you've described is Emo. If anything, that sounds. [whispers] dare I say it, Springhill? Goth?
Caller 34: Well, what's the difference?
Kagy: Same difference between crying in your pillow and sarcastic snark. Next! [click] Thirty-Five. You have two hours to live. What do you do?
Caller 35: Well, I've thought about this long and hard and I would...
Kagy: Yes?
Caller 35: Do a Barrle Roll! [click]
Kagy: Seriously? Hello, Thirty-Six. This show can you fix?
Caller 36: Hey, Kagy, can I plug something?
Kagy: I don't know, caller. Last guy who advertised was a maniacal sadist dwarf.
Caller 36: Oh, I'm not selling myself like the last guy.
Kagy: Well...Okay. Plug away, Thirty-Six.
Caller 36: Hey, ladies and gentlemen out there, are you sick of the same old boring no-tell-hotel for your weekend getaways. Well here at 13-Doors Hotel, we have the finest is multi-dimensional accommodations. Each room has it's own link to omni-present horrors and gateways to Tartarus for you and the women folk for the relaxing get aways or incestuous trysts! Here at 13-Doors, we don't judge! Heck, we don't even know who you are, since all check-ins are required to where a black bag over their head. Yes, 13-Doors Hotel, where our modo is Lleh Ni Kcoc Skcus Rehtom Ruoy. [Click]
Kagy: Thanks you, Thirty Six, that wasn't creepy or maniacal at all. Thrity-Seven Would YOU like to go to a hotel with multi-dimensional horror in every room?
Caller 37: Would I?
Kagy: Wait a second, You're the Same guy?!!
Caller 37: I think you underestimate the power of these CRAZY PRICES! Kagy, we're not just talking about a unholy hell-mouth and resort, we're talking about a place you can gleefully accomplish decedent sin in complete anonymity, as long as you don't mind the unknowable nightmares within the walls. [click]
Kagy: What? How. Okay, that was weird. Caller Thirty-Eight, How are-
Caller 38: You can hang up on me, Kagy, but not on this fantastic deal! [click]
Kagy: Three Lines! Three consecutive Lines! Ugh, I'm too tired for this. We're calling it a night. Before we go, you should remember that every Saturday at the Cerulean Theatre, we have Mina's Movie Club. All Vampire movies for only a buck a fright. I'll be there, of course. This upcoming movie is the original Dracula, with Bela Lugosi. Lovely. You've been listening to In the Red, a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio in Springhill, Oklahoma. It was produced unwillingly by David Orger and I'm your host, Kathryn Guilty. Our appreciation toward the station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who called in, even that creepy jerk earlier. Three Lines, David! He got in on Three Lines! Well, thank you for listening to to K.N.O.T. As well as any small time radio. Have very sweet nightmares, Springhill. I know I will.
[Segments ends with No One Lives Forever, by Oingo Boingo]
Kagy: Would you believe that even I, Queen Kagy, am getting tired? It's true! Even the tireless night's queen get's...uh... So let's wrap this show up. Caller Thirty -Four, What would you do if you have two hours to live?
Caller 34: Are you Emo?
Kagy: I...hmmm... That depresses me just enough to cut myself at night.
Caller 34: No, I mean it. I mean, you're all sad and stuff. Cheer up, Emo Duck.
Kagy: Ri-i-ight. What makes you think I'm emo, Thrity-Four?
Caller 34: You dress in all black. You play all depressing songs and stuff. You got this weird bondage thing going on.
Kagy: A: I rarely wear all black anymore. Not since I shocked my hair white. B: Morbid songs, sure; not depressing. C: I wear what I like to see myself in, but that doesn't make me “into bondage and stuff.” And C: Nothing you've described is Emo. If anything, that sounds. [whispers] dare I say it, Springhill? Goth?
Caller 34: Well, what's the difference?
Kagy: Same difference between crying in your pillow and sarcastic snark. Next! [click] Thirty-Five. You have two hours to live. What do you do?
Caller 35: Well, I've thought about this long and hard and I would...
Kagy: Yes?
Caller 35: Do a Barrle Roll! [click]
Kagy: Seriously? Hello, Thirty-Six. This show can you fix?
Caller 36: Hey, Kagy, can I plug something?
Kagy: I don't know, caller. Last guy who advertised was a maniacal sadist dwarf.
Caller 36: Oh, I'm not selling myself like the last guy.
Kagy: Well...Okay. Plug away, Thirty-Six.
Caller 36: Hey, ladies and gentlemen out there, are you sick of the same old boring no-tell-hotel for your weekend getaways. Well here at 13-Doors Hotel, we have the finest is multi-dimensional accommodations. Each room has it's own link to omni-present horrors and gateways to Tartarus for you and the women folk for the relaxing get aways or incestuous trysts! Here at 13-Doors, we don't judge! Heck, we don't even know who you are, since all check-ins are required to where a black bag over their head. Yes, 13-Doors Hotel, where our modo is Lleh Ni Kcoc Skcus Rehtom Ruoy. [Click]
Kagy: Thanks you, Thirty Six, that wasn't creepy or maniacal at all. Thrity-Seven Would YOU like to go to a hotel with multi-dimensional horror in every room?
Caller 37: Would I?
Kagy: Wait a second, You're the Same guy?!!
Caller 37: I think you underestimate the power of these CRAZY PRICES! Kagy, we're not just talking about a unholy hell-mouth and resort, we're talking about a place you can gleefully accomplish decedent sin in complete anonymity, as long as you don't mind the unknowable nightmares within the walls. [click]
Kagy: What? How. Okay, that was weird. Caller Thirty-Eight, How are-
Caller 38: You can hang up on me, Kagy, but not on this fantastic deal! [click]
Kagy: Three Lines! Three consecutive Lines! Ugh, I'm too tired for this. We're calling it a night. Before we go, you should remember that every Saturday at the Cerulean Theatre, we have Mina's Movie Club. All Vampire movies for only a buck a fright. I'll be there, of course. This upcoming movie is the original Dracula, with Bela Lugosi. Lovely. You've been listening to In the Red, a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio in Springhill, Oklahoma. It was produced unwillingly by David Orger and I'm your host, Kathryn Guilty. Our appreciation toward the station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who called in, even that creepy jerk earlier. Three Lines, David! He got in on Three Lines! Well, thank you for listening to to K.N.O.T. As well as any small time radio. Have very sweet nightmares, Springhill. I know I will.
[Segments ends with No One Lives Forever, by Oingo Boingo]
Friday, May 7, 2010
Where Are You?
Kagy: Tick Tock. Tick Tock. It's two-o-clock here on In the Red. You know what that means. Let's change the pace a little bit. I ask you, Springhill, Where are you under the night right now? Let that sink in while I play you a little ditty.
[Plays Rake It In, by Imogen Heap]
Kagy: Alrighty, caller Eighteen, where are you?
Caller 18: It's late. I'm sitting here in my squad car with a snort of liquid courage, trying to remember the good times when my partner was still alive.
Kagy: Oh my. Did we lose one of Springhill's finest, officer?
Caller 18: A good one fell today, Kagy. Someone we all should feel the loss of.
Kagy: I'm sorry. What...What was their name?
Caller 18: Muffin.
Kagy: Officer Muffin. Um...
Caller 18: He was only one year old.
Kagy: Are you putting me on?
Caller 18: Death is no joke, Kagy. No matter what you goths think. Just think. He was two years from retirement. Sad. So Sad. Best officer hamster I've ever known.
Kagy: Don't hamsters live to be, like 2 years anyway? I'm just saying.
Caller 18: Don't give me that! Muffin was a good cop! Next time we need to do a full cavity search, who's gonna be the one to reach into the suspect?
Kagy: I'm...gonna have to cut you off.
Caller 18: You'll be sorry. You all will. With Muffin gone, what's life worth living? [click]
Kagy: What indeed. Nineteen, please, oh please don't be crazy.
Caller 19: [Car Dealership voice, again. I should'a guessed who it was] I'm not.
Kagy: Oh good. Where you at, broth'a?
Caller 19: I'm deep in the sub basement of some evil masterminds house. Classified, you understand. Hey, Kagy, I wanted to thank you for letting me plug my resume.
Kagy: Hmmm...You're not the dwarf from Tuesday morning, are you?
Caller 19: I am. Before, I was a down on his luck sadistic second bannana, but now, thanks to your show, I'm working for the cruelest man ever to call himself a rebuplican. Of course, I can't reviel who or, you know. I'd have to...
Kagy: Kill me?
Caller 19: Don't mind if I do. [click]
Kagy: There is such things as happy endings, I guess. Twenty of plenty, where are you out under the night's thousand eyes.
Caller 20: I'm sitting in my house with a stalk of broccoli around my neck.
Kagy: Ha! I'd hoped to hear from you, Twenty. How did it go?
Caller 20: No one noticed. The most I got was three out of seven of my bosses shuddered when I was looking at their chin.
Kagy: Oh, they noticed. This is a game of seeing how much you can get away with. Did you get the weekend off, at least?
Caller 20: We'll see. My wife thinks I'm crazy. She says I must've snapped and she's calling her mother about it. It's...it's just...
Kagy: Fantastic?
Caller 20: Yeah.
Kagy: Heh. Never let it be said that the world would do better off without crazy, Twenty. Stay on the line. David is going to give you the number and address for Mina's Movie Club. I wanna see you there, okay? [click] David, you got him? Alright, Twenty-one, are you having fun?
Caller 21: No. Do you realize how much damage you're doing to my son?
Kagy: Sorry miss, what?
Caller 21: With your morally damaging music and you're free for all attitude with your show.
Kagy: Uh-huh. How old is your son, Ma'am?
Caller 21: What does that matter?
Kagy: It's ten after two, Ma'am. What are they...No, what are YOU doing up?
Caller 21: Listen, it's you kind that is deteriorating the moral fiber of our community.
Kagy: How old?
Caller 21: 37! What does THAT have to do with it?
Kagy: Heh. [click] Caller Twenty-Two, last call before we take a break. Where are you?
Caller 22: Still in this sub-basement.
Kagy: Ah. More to say?
Caller 22: Just wanted you to know that I know where you're station is, Kagy.
Kagy: Some one leaked that info to Google again, didn't they? Well, luckily our attack rats guard the entrance. Mwa Ha Ha!
Caller 22: Oh, not Rats. I don't like rats.
Kagy: How do you feel about hamster?
Caller 22: They're the worse! I fear them, ever since the master...did things to me...[click]
Kagy: Officer Muffin, we miss you. Let's all take a moment of silence as I roll a few messages.
[roll a few messages]
[Plays Rake It In, by Imogen Heap]
Kagy: Alrighty, caller Eighteen, where are you?
Caller 18: It's late. I'm sitting here in my squad car with a snort of liquid courage, trying to remember the good times when my partner was still alive.
Kagy: Oh my. Did we lose one of Springhill's finest, officer?
Caller 18: A good one fell today, Kagy. Someone we all should feel the loss of.
Kagy: I'm sorry. What...What was their name?
Caller 18: Muffin.
Kagy: Officer Muffin. Um...
Caller 18: He was only one year old.
Kagy: Are you putting me on?
Caller 18: Death is no joke, Kagy. No matter what you goths think. Just think. He was two years from retirement. Sad. So Sad. Best officer hamster I've ever known.
Kagy: Don't hamsters live to be, like 2 years anyway? I'm just saying.
Caller 18: Don't give me that! Muffin was a good cop! Next time we need to do a full cavity search, who's gonna be the one to reach into the suspect?
Kagy: I'm...gonna have to cut you off.
Caller 18: You'll be sorry. You all will. With Muffin gone, what's life worth living? [click]
Kagy: What indeed. Nineteen, please, oh please don't be crazy.
Caller 19: [Car Dealership voice, again. I should'a guessed who it was] I'm not.
Kagy: Oh good. Where you at, broth'a?
Caller 19: I'm deep in the sub basement of some evil masterminds house. Classified, you understand. Hey, Kagy, I wanted to thank you for letting me plug my resume.
Kagy: Hmmm...You're not the dwarf from Tuesday morning, are you?
Caller 19: I am. Before, I was a down on his luck sadistic second bannana, but now, thanks to your show, I'm working for the cruelest man ever to call himself a rebuplican. Of course, I can't reviel who or, you know. I'd have to...
Kagy: Kill me?
Caller 19: Don't mind if I do. [click]
Kagy: There is such things as happy endings, I guess. Twenty of plenty, where are you out under the night's thousand eyes.
Caller 20: I'm sitting in my house with a stalk of broccoli around my neck.
Kagy: Ha! I'd hoped to hear from you, Twenty. How did it go?
Caller 20: No one noticed. The most I got was three out of seven of my bosses shuddered when I was looking at their chin.
Kagy: Oh, they noticed. This is a game of seeing how much you can get away with. Did you get the weekend off, at least?
Caller 20: We'll see. My wife thinks I'm crazy. She says I must've snapped and she's calling her mother about it. It's...it's just...
Kagy: Fantastic?
Caller 20: Yeah.
Kagy: Heh. Never let it be said that the world would do better off without crazy, Twenty. Stay on the line. David is going to give you the number and address for Mina's Movie Club. I wanna see you there, okay? [click] David, you got him? Alright, Twenty-one, are you having fun?
Caller 21: No. Do you realize how much damage you're doing to my son?
Kagy: Sorry miss, what?
Caller 21: With your morally damaging music and you're free for all attitude with your show.
Kagy: Uh-huh. How old is your son, Ma'am?
Caller 21: What does that matter?
Kagy: It's ten after two, Ma'am. What are they...No, what are YOU doing up?
Caller 21: Listen, it's you kind that is deteriorating the moral fiber of our community.
Kagy: How old?
Caller 21: 37! What does THAT have to do with it?
Kagy: Heh. [click] Caller Twenty-Two, last call before we take a break. Where are you?
Caller 22: Still in this sub-basement.
Kagy: Ah. More to say?
Caller 22: Just wanted you to know that I know where you're station is, Kagy.
Kagy: Some one leaked that info to Google again, didn't they? Well, luckily our attack rats guard the entrance. Mwa Ha Ha!
Caller 22: Oh, not Rats. I don't like rats.
Kagy: How do you feel about hamster?
Caller 22: They're the worse! I fear them, ever since the master...did things to me...[click]
Kagy: Officer Muffin, we miss you. Let's all take a moment of silence as I roll a few messages.
[roll a few messages]
Thursday, May 6, 2010
How Will You Survive a Lightless Sky?
Kagy: Hello, Springhill. My nifty cell phone tells me the moon is at 49% full. We are being swallowed into the blackest night's sky. You need to be ready out there, Springhill. Allow me to help. You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. Tonight's question; How will you survive a lightless sky? Ponder that while I play a little Real Life.
[plays Send Me an Angel, by Real Life]
Kagy: I've never seen the lines so full. Let's see. You. Caller One, what have you done?
Caller 1: Hello, Kagy.
Kagy: Hello, One. How will you survive when all the lights go out?
Caller 1: I...don't even know what that means.
Kagy: On the 13th and 14th of May, the lights will blink out under a new moon. Don't ask me how I know, but I do want to know what you'll do when it happens?
Caller 1: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably grab a beer and get drunk. Wait, isn't that a work night? Crap, I don't know.
Kagy: Call me when you do, sweety. [click] Number Two, what will YOU do?
Caller 2: Nothing. My life's already a mess.
Kagy: Poor boy. Tell Grand Mistress Kagy all about it.
Caller 2: I...Huh? Oh, it's a rut, Kagy. I'm in a horrible rut. Do you know what my life is like?
Kagy: A twisted reflection of society's misgivings about human freedom and happyness is a world run by the unfeeling corporate machine?
Caller 2: No. Well, yeah, but no. I live in Groundhog Day.
Kagy: Please tell me you're talking about the movie.
Caller 2: I'm talking about the movie. I don't get days off, Kagy. Every morning I wake up at 7:00 and hit the alarm. I get dresses, turn off my TV in the living room, kiss my wife, sit in traffic behind the same car, pass by a tree with a single leaf on it, click in, my boss tells me I'm late, I sit at a cubical and I work on the same thing every week.
Kagy: Oooo. [whispering] Are you going to snap, Number Two?
Caller 2: Thought about it. I got the gun right here. The Mrs. is asleep.
Kagy: Well, put that down. Here's an answer to your problems. I want you to struggle through the next couple of days, but this time I want you to wear a stalk of Broccoli around your neck like a pendant.
Caller 2: Uh...
Kagy: I know it sounds crazy, and it is. Any time someone points it out, act like it's not there and they're crazy. If you want to have fun with them, talk to them staring at their chin. Works wonders. Finally, take the week end off, Two. What ever you're working on, it's not worth your weekend. Call me back Friday morning and tell me how that goes. [silence] Caller Two? Are you going to do it?
Caller 2: Sure. What else have I got to lose?
Kagy: Good luck. [click] Caller Three, so what will be be? How will you survive a lightless sky?
Caller 3: with BEEEEERRRR!!!
Kagy: Oh yeah. Cinco De Mayo. Three, are you drunk?
Caller 3: Yeah, man! WOOOO!!!
Kagy: Do you know what Cinco De Mayo celebrates? Or why you're so drunk?
Caller 3: Isn't it...uh...Mexican independence, or something?
Kagy: You're celebrating the Mexican victory of the Battle of Puebla, not Mexican Independence. They have a separate day for that. Talk to a Mexican, Three. They're all over Springhill.
Caller 3: Oh.
Kagy: [sigh] Actually, you're just using it as an excuse to get drunk. Drink one for me, Three. [click] I shouldn't talk. I have my ever present wine, here, but at least I know why I'm drinking. Four, just one more. How will you survive a Lightless-
Caller 4: Hey, baby. It's Tom.
Kagy: Oh God. Er...Tom, are you drunk?
Tom: Yeah, but only a little.
Kagy: Wow, things must be pretty bleak there at the Mave.
Tom: It's not. I just still love you, baby.
Kagy: Woof. I don't know if I'm nearly drunk enough for you tonight, Tom.
Tom: Still think about you. You know I listen in every night when I'm at the Mave. The guys here...are just awesome.
Kagy: Yeah. Well, that's all the time I got, Tom. [click] Time for a commercial. Where the hell is that wine? Dave, would you start screening--
[Roll commercials]
[plays Send Me an Angel, by Real Life]
Kagy: I've never seen the lines so full. Let's see. You. Caller One, what have you done?
Caller 1: Hello, Kagy.
Kagy: Hello, One. How will you survive when all the lights go out?
Caller 1: I...don't even know what that means.
Kagy: On the 13th and 14th of May, the lights will blink out under a new moon. Don't ask me how I know, but I do want to know what you'll do when it happens?
Caller 1: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably grab a beer and get drunk. Wait, isn't that a work night? Crap, I don't know.
Kagy: Call me when you do, sweety. [click] Number Two, what will YOU do?
Caller 2: Nothing. My life's already a mess.
Kagy: Poor boy. Tell Grand Mistress Kagy all about it.
Caller 2: I...Huh? Oh, it's a rut, Kagy. I'm in a horrible rut. Do you know what my life is like?
Kagy: A twisted reflection of society's misgivings about human freedom and happyness is a world run by the unfeeling corporate machine?
Caller 2: No. Well, yeah, but no. I live in Groundhog Day.
Kagy: Please tell me you're talking about the movie.
Caller 2: I'm talking about the movie. I don't get days off, Kagy. Every morning I wake up at 7:00 and hit the alarm. I get dresses, turn off my TV in the living room, kiss my wife, sit in traffic behind the same car, pass by a tree with a single leaf on it, click in, my boss tells me I'm late, I sit at a cubical and I work on the same thing every week.
Kagy: Oooo. [whispering] Are you going to snap, Number Two?
Caller 2: Thought about it. I got the gun right here. The Mrs. is asleep.
Kagy: Well, put that down. Here's an answer to your problems. I want you to struggle through the next couple of days, but this time I want you to wear a stalk of Broccoli around your neck like a pendant.
Caller 2: Uh...
Kagy: I know it sounds crazy, and it is. Any time someone points it out, act like it's not there and they're crazy. If you want to have fun with them, talk to them staring at their chin. Works wonders. Finally, take the week end off, Two. What ever you're working on, it's not worth your weekend. Call me back Friday morning and tell me how that goes. [silence] Caller Two? Are you going to do it?
Caller 2: Sure. What else have I got to lose?
Kagy: Good luck. [click] Caller Three, so what will be be? How will you survive a lightless sky?
Caller 3: with BEEEEERRRR!!!
Kagy: Oh yeah. Cinco De Mayo. Three, are you drunk?
Caller 3: Yeah, man! WOOOO!!!
Kagy: Do you know what Cinco De Mayo celebrates? Or why you're so drunk?
Caller 3: Isn't it...uh...Mexican independence, or something?
Kagy: You're celebrating the Mexican victory of the Battle of Puebla, not Mexican Independence. They have a separate day for that. Talk to a Mexican, Three. They're all over Springhill.
Caller 3: Oh.
Kagy: [sigh] Actually, you're just using it as an excuse to get drunk. Drink one for me, Three. [click] I shouldn't talk. I have my ever present wine, here, but at least I know why I'm drinking. Four, just one more. How will you survive a Lightless-
Caller 4: Hey, baby. It's Tom.
Kagy: Oh God. Er...Tom, are you drunk?
Tom: Yeah, but only a little.
Kagy: Wow, things must be pretty bleak there at the Mave.
Tom: It's not. I just still love you, baby.
Kagy: Woof. I don't know if I'm nearly drunk enough for you tonight, Tom.
Tom: Still think about you. You know I listen in every night when I'm at the Mave. The guys here...are just awesome.
Kagy: Yeah. Well, that's all the time I got, Tom. [click] Time for a commercial. Where the hell is that wine? Dave, would you start screening--
[Roll commercials]
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