Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's School Like?

Kagy: There is a subtle wind caressing the campus, tonight. It is the breath of the freshmen, in all their confusion, and the breath of the teachers in their anticipation of new minds to conform. School started today, Springhill, and the energy was noticeable. How are you doing tonight, new comers? You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. If this is your first show all you need to know is our phone number. [listed off number that I'm not dumb enough to repeat on the internet]. Normally I begin with a question, but seeing how this is your first night in school, I declare this a free day. Call me about whatever is on your mind, Freshmen. First, however, let's begin with a little 'Processing.'

--The Last Express, by Vernian Process

Kagy: I see only a few lights on my board tonight. Are my regulars feeling timid among the new meat? Caller one, what do you think?

Caller 1: Hey, Kagy. Long time caller, first time listener. I'm coming out from OKC and I've never heard of this show. Usually I'm listening to the KATT. Any suggestions for someone new to the town?

Kagy: Yes, don't believe the hype. Inuit Bob's Bar and Grill is worthless. Except for the onion rings. Also, one street over from “The Strip” is Black's Bar. Avoid it on Friday nights. Every other night is fine.

Caller 1: The strip?

Kagy: Oh, you'll be familiar with the Strip soon enough. Good luck One. [click] Number Two, are you ready?

Caller 2: What? Huh? Oh, it's one-o-five.

Kagy: What?

Caller 2: Huh?

Kagy: You called me, Two.

Caller 2: Not yet. It's one-o-six, now.

Kagy: I see. [click] Caller three, how'est is thee?

Caller 3: Hey, is this where I call for advice?

Kagy: Depends on your problem, Three.

Caller 3: Yeah, I was almost run over by a bike outside the Student Center. Does no one watch out for pedestrians here?

Kagy: Ha ha, common sense? You're funny. No, expect to suffer tire marks if you stand anywhere near the bike paths around here.

Caller 3: And the crows?

Kagy: Don't feed them.

Caller 3: I didn't have to. They were attacking me!

Kagy: Oh. Right, I forgot to tell you, Freshmen everywhere. Do not keep any kind of muffins on you while on campus. Bread is fine, but muffin's, even if kept in a container, will attract the unwanted attention of crows. And no, we don't understand why. [click] Caller four, what do you adore?

Caller 4: I am not a number, I am a free man!

Kagy: For our purposes, you are number four.

Caller 4: I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own.

Kagy: For all official purposes, everyone has a number.

Caller 4: Who are you?

Kagy: I am number two.

Caller 4: Who is number one?

Kagy: You are number six.

Caller 4: Ha! Alright, I know when I'm beat. Any place around here one can get a good bit of RP?

Kagy: Look for the Rawhide Rollplayers at the Student Center at night. Usually on Saturdays.

Caller 4: Thanks. [click]

Kagy: Ooo, I forgot to tell him not to piss them off. They're kind of like the Springhill Mafia. Caller five, are you still al-...wait a second. I'm out of callers. David, what's going on out there? [sound of David shrugging] Well, we have time until the next commercial break, so I will punish you all for not calling me by playing Don't Worry, Kyoko, Mommy's Only Looking For Her Hand in the Snow, by Yoko Ono. When we come back from commercial, I expect there to be more lights on my phone line. Prepare.

[The horror]

Friday, August 20, 2010

WhyStart This All Again?

For those outside the know, there is a larger than normal room with classic decor you may wander freely into in the Student Center of Annalow University. It is called the French Room and entering it feels like walking into the music room or some abandoned but well kept manor in the country side of the wine nation with its cream colored walls and golden framed paintings surrounding a grand piano. In my many years here in Springhill I have never understood this room's existence, but it makes an excellent quiet atmosphere for chess playing with my college friend and make-shift councilor, Jenny.

This was on last Wednesday and there was a small rustling outside as students frantically gather their schedules, bursar information, and random array of books, half of which may serve them in the following semester. I was ignoring the native savages outside the open doorway and paying more attention to my rook if I remember. Jenny was the first to break my concentration with talk about this blog and I have no recording to transcribe. You'll have to take my word for it.

Her worries were about my lack of energy and/or consistency of life. Jenny believes that a consistent update on the show would be good practice for other things I should do such as diet or exercise. I gently informed her to keep her nose out of my shit or I will bite it off, but she persisted despite my kind metaphor. That I enjoy my mornings in the afternoon and my healthy menu of wine and movies disturbed her. I'm no trashcan, as she imagines, but a connoissuer of cheap boose and paperbacks. I see no problem here.

Her argument was, besides the show and the few spots of writing I faultily submit to magazines, I have created nothing in my life. “Gee Mom, how about you shut the fuck up?” I said with affection, but my clever retort seemed only to egg her on. After three moves and two checks on the board, I finally gave in to trying the blog once more if for no other reason than to quiet the crawling chaos screeching from her mouth and allow proper concentration.

So you have Jenny to blame for my cranky, yet desperately witty transcripts. With classes starting on Monday, only hope of recognition of my incredible creative power drives me forward in my quest to distract you a little. I've already adhered my share of fliers onto aged bulletin boards across campus grounds informing students of the show. Mayhap this blog will serve as my online poster advertising In the Red with Kagy on 98.2 in the Springhill area.

Perhaps not. My reputation as a gutter intellectual is held in the balance.