Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Off The Air?

Perhaps you've heard this story.

A Marine joins a class room and the professor stupidly calls to the heavens at the beginning of class, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me from this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.” Time passes as the class room remains silent. “Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.”

Allow me to interrupt for a moment. I completely admit I choose this story to badger my producer, Tom Wits, a Born again Baptist who may not agree with what you say and fight to repeal your right to say it. Let that be known, fore he may enjoy this story, but it comes with a hefty moral at the end from your beloved radical agnostic. Continuing.

The time comes down to the wire and no lighting nor stormy wind has tumbled the professor. Finally, the marine arises, approaches the man, and socks him hard in the mouth, knocking him from the platform. He then, silently, returns to his seat and a stunned class room.

Eventually, the professor comes to and asks, “What did you do that for?”

The Marine responds, “God was too busy protecting American soldiers who protect your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. He sent me.” And the class room cheers.

The moral I give of this tale is that arguments are best solved through the use of violence and bold unfair strokes across the mouth.

Last night, the show covered the first question about what Springhill thought of the TSA pat downs and possible invasion of privacy. This lead, for one reason or another, to the question of weather or not the War On Terror was an American holy war. Soon after the question arose, we were cut off. I didn't even get to invite people to Mina's Movie Club. The reason given was that I might offend the proper good church-going community with my questioning of what is obviously a touchy matter. You know, those church-go'ers who stay up until three in the morning.

I argue that if not a talk radioshow, where else would one gleen the oppinions of the insomniac college community, but, no, I'm on probation or whatever it's called when you're knocked off your platform by a marine. It's not like I asked God to do it. So, Mr. Wits, supporter of troops, but not discussion there of, I present to you this prayer I found in a holy book of my own.

"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. The *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.”

-The War Prayer, by Mark Twain.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's School Like?

Kagy: There is a subtle wind caressing the campus, tonight. It is the breath of the freshmen, in all their confusion, and the breath of the teachers in their anticipation of new minds to conform. School started today, Springhill, and the energy was noticeable. How are you doing tonight, new comers? You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. If this is your first show all you need to know is our phone number. [listed off number that I'm not dumb enough to repeat on the internet]. Normally I begin with a question, but seeing how this is your first night in school, I declare this a free day. Call me about whatever is on your mind, Freshmen. First, however, let's begin with a little 'Processing.'

--The Last Express, by Vernian Process

Kagy: I see only a few lights on my board tonight. Are my regulars feeling timid among the new meat? Caller one, what do you think?

Caller 1: Hey, Kagy. Long time caller, first time listener. I'm coming out from OKC and I've never heard of this show. Usually I'm listening to the KATT. Any suggestions for someone new to the town?

Kagy: Yes, don't believe the hype. Inuit Bob's Bar and Grill is worthless. Except for the onion rings. Also, one street over from “The Strip” is Black's Bar. Avoid it on Friday nights. Every other night is fine.

Caller 1: The strip?

Kagy: Oh, you'll be familiar with the Strip soon enough. Good luck One. [click] Number Two, are you ready?

Caller 2: What? Huh? Oh, it's one-o-five.

Kagy: What?

Caller 2: Huh?

Kagy: You called me, Two.

Caller 2: Not yet. It's one-o-six, now.

Kagy: I see. [click] Caller three, how'est is thee?

Caller 3: Hey, is this where I call for advice?

Kagy: Depends on your problem, Three.

Caller 3: Yeah, I was almost run over by a bike outside the Student Center. Does no one watch out for pedestrians here?

Kagy: Ha ha, common sense? You're funny. No, expect to suffer tire marks if you stand anywhere near the bike paths around here.

Caller 3: And the crows?

Kagy: Don't feed them.

Caller 3: I didn't have to. They were attacking me!

Kagy: Oh. Right, I forgot to tell you, Freshmen everywhere. Do not keep any kind of muffins on you while on campus. Bread is fine, but muffin's, even if kept in a container, will attract the unwanted attention of crows. And no, we don't understand why. [click] Caller four, what do you adore?

Caller 4: I am not a number, I am a free man!

Kagy: For our purposes, you are number four.

Caller 4: I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own.

Kagy: For all official purposes, everyone has a number.

Caller 4: Who are you?

Kagy: I am number two.

Caller 4: Who is number one?

Kagy: You are number six.

Caller 4: Ha! Alright, I know when I'm beat. Any place around here one can get a good bit of RP?

Kagy: Look for the Rawhide Rollplayers at the Student Center at night. Usually on Saturdays.

Caller 4: Thanks. [click]

Kagy: Ooo, I forgot to tell him not to piss them off. They're kind of like the Springhill Mafia. Caller five, are you still al-...wait a second. I'm out of callers. David, what's going on out there? [sound of David shrugging] Well, we have time until the next commercial break, so I will punish you all for not calling me by playing Don't Worry, Kyoko, Mommy's Only Looking For Her Hand in the Snow, by Yoko Ono. When we come back from commercial, I expect there to be more lights on my phone line. Prepare.

[The horror]

Friday, August 20, 2010

WhyStart This All Again?

For those outside the know, there is a larger than normal room with classic decor you may wander freely into in the Student Center of Annalow University. It is called the French Room and entering it feels like walking into the music room or some abandoned but well kept manor in the country side of the wine nation with its cream colored walls and golden framed paintings surrounding a grand piano. In my many years here in Springhill I have never understood this room's existence, but it makes an excellent quiet atmosphere for chess playing with my college friend and make-shift councilor, Jenny.

This was on last Wednesday and there was a small rustling outside as students frantically gather their schedules, bursar information, and random array of books, half of which may serve them in the following semester. I was ignoring the native savages outside the open doorway and paying more attention to my rook if I remember. Jenny was the first to break my concentration with talk about this blog and I have no recording to transcribe. You'll have to take my word for it.

Her worries were about my lack of energy and/or consistency of life. Jenny believes that a consistent update on the show would be good practice for other things I should do such as diet or exercise. I gently informed her to keep her nose out of my shit or I will bite it off, but she persisted despite my kind metaphor. That I enjoy my mornings in the afternoon and my healthy menu of wine and movies disturbed her. I'm no trashcan, as she imagines, but a connoissuer of cheap boose and paperbacks. I see no problem here.

Her argument was, besides the show and the few spots of writing I faultily submit to magazines, I have created nothing in my life. “Gee Mom, how about you shut the fuck up?” I said with affection, but my clever retort seemed only to egg her on. After three moves and two checks on the board, I finally gave in to trying the blog once more if for no other reason than to quiet the crawling chaos screeching from her mouth and allow proper concentration.

So you have Jenny to blame for my cranky, yet desperately witty transcripts. With classes starting on Monday, only hope of recognition of my incredible creative power drives me forward in my quest to distract you a little. I've already adhered my share of fliers onto aged bulletin boards across campus grounds informing students of the show. Mayhap this blog will serve as my online poster advertising In the Red with Kagy on 98.2 in the Springhill area.

Perhaps not. My reputation as a gutter intellectual is held in the balance.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What's With These Cricket?

[Segments stars with Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, by Tom Lehrer]

Kagy: Somewhere under all this chaos, there is a story to be told. Not by me, of course. I'm hardly a journalist, but I sit at the riverside of information in this town and many strange things float by, including this. For those tuning in, there is a strange cricket invasion in the parking lot of Merit Field Stadium. Well, since it's the middle of the show, I think I'll change my question to “What's up with all these Crickets?” Caller Twenty-Eight, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 28: [muffle chirping noise in the background] I don't know, but they smell.

Kagy: You're near the parking lot?

Caller 28: I'm IN the Parking Lot. I'm actually in my car in front of the football stadium.

Kagy: I've seen it. It's...oh...I would say...

Caller 28: Biblical. I mean, there's not just a few crickets here. I thought you were exaggerating, but I can't see things like the doorway to the stadium because it's covered in crickets! This is crazy! I'll tell you what, tho. They smell! I never knew crickets smelled, but they stink to high heaven.

Kagy: Thanks for that update, Twenty-Eight. [click] Twenty-Nine, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 29: They want free internet.

Kagy: Ugh. That was just awful. [click] Caller Thirty, what give these crickets the right to invade?

Caller 30: They're crawling in my home! It's a mad house! A MAD HOUSE!!!

Kagy: Okay, calm down. It's not the end of the world. [dramatic music] [whisper] Or is it?

Caller 30: I've put a towel down under my front and back door! It doesn't work! They just crawl through. The noise! THE NOISE!

Kagy: Yes, you're not the first person to call about the noise. Seems they've been invading homes as far as five blocks away from the stadium. Hmmm...

Caller 30: Please help!

Kagy: I'm sorry, we're just getting information. Moving on. [click] Caller Thirty-One, Hi. Any idea on how this cricket invasion started?

Caller 31: Huh? Oh, I don't know. The lights around the field, I guess. Hey, can I get that girls number from before.

Kagy: No, I'm not a phone book.

Caller 31: You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Kagy: Doesn't matter. Not a phone book.

Caller 31: Come on. I think I know her. I think I love her. You wouldn't want to get in the way of True Love, would you?

Kagy: Have you seen any pictures of me, lately, caller Thirty-One?

Caller 31: Uh...yeah. I...uh...went to your site once.

Kagy: Do I have yellow pages sticking out of my side?

Caller 31: Uh...No.

Kagy: Did you see me wrapped up in a book cover?

Caller 31: uh...

Kagy: Do I have a map of Springhill tattooed on my back? Was there info on me about emergency numbers? Did I have coupons sticking out of me? NOT- A- PHONEBOOK!

Caller 31: But...True love. [click]

Kagy: Caller Thirty-Two, I'm not a phone book, am I?

Caller 32: Wow, I must have missed something.

Kagy: Hey, Dr. Nick. Why are you still up? I thought you had to work tomorrow.

Dr. Nick: I'm watching some online review of Episode I. Anyway, it's the lights inside Merit Field. That's what's attracting the crickets.

Kagy: Huh.

Dr. Nick: Yep. The lights around Merit Field are always on every night. Something about it being easier to leave them on than to turn them off then on or something. Well those lights have always been so bright as to light up the sky.

Kagy: Okay, I'm with you.

Dr. Nick: Insects are attracted to the lights, so all the crickets moved into the parking lot. In fact, a friend of mine said you can't see the grass in the football stadium. You know that fake statue of the Analow Crow at the north of the field? Can't see it. It's gone under all the bugs.

Kagy: Wow. Huh. Okay, any idea how to get rid of them?

Dr. Nick: Meh. There's enough crows and sparrows in town that they'll get sucked up eventually. Nature has a way of balancing these things out.

Kagy: Well, thank you for that input, Dr. Nick. [click] David is signaling to me, so I'll have to leave you for a little while, Springhill. We'll be back. Keep the calls rolling.

[Roll Commercials]

Monday, June 28, 2010

Why Do Hangover's Suck?

Kagy: [sniffle] I have got two words for you. Horrific Hangover. For those of you who attended, I'm so sorry I threw up on everything. Things just seem to go wrong when I drink whiskey. For those who were not at Mina's this Saturday, you missed a party that dare not be spoken of. Hi, you're In the Red, with me, Kagy, and I feel like the rotting bath-towel of K.N.O.T. College Radio. The industrial vats of wine drank that night may have been enough for me to drive over every student on campus either from my cathartic nature to destroy all living things that squeak louder than 3 decibels or the PMS like mood in the cranial cavities left by fighting after the movie. There's a baby crying about three block from the K.N.O.T. building. I know because I feel every dust molecule banging against my head vibrating the smallest of noises. God I hate life. Here, children, let me play a little song for you while I grab a coffee. Enjoy.

[Played Lake Pontchartrain, by Ludo]

Kagy: Caller one, give me one reason why I shouldn't hunt you down and take ou my frustrations on your skull.

Caller 1: Alians. [sic]

Kagy: Oh good.

Caller 1: You kin scoff all you like, butt they're out thair an' they've visited us resiliently, Kagy! The Greys, the Lizard-Folk, the Moth-Men, they're are all real and human'ty has ta' come ta' terms with that.

Kagy: [snort] By my baggy eyes, you're full of it. Though, just because I like to humor each and everyone of you horror shows, why don't you give me what everyone wants; Proof?

Caller 1: I have in mah hands pho-to-graphic evidence of a spaceship land'n out back on mah brother's farm, Kagy. It is clear as the blue skah. If ya' look hair you kin see the rocket-ships engines made of some strange alian-alloy mankind has yet ta' discoverred. And hair's absolute proof of the in coming space-diplomat the govern-mint has denied existence ovar and ovar again. Look! Ya' kin see it, plain as the nose on yer face.

Kagy: [pause] Yes, that looks quite convening, Caller One. I must admit, I didn't expect to see such blatant evidence of alien contact. But don't you think it's a little blurry?

Caller 1: Ya' Skeptics. You always expect the photo's ta' be clear when take'n at night? It's hard ay-nuff ta' get an' alian ta' come down an' park on your hey-field as it is.

Kagy: Alright, Alright. I concede except for one little detail, Caller. One and only one thing that ruins your credibility enough to keep from convincing me.

Caller 1: Ee-eah? Whut's that, now?

Kagy: You are trying to show me pictures through a telephone. [Pause] Still there, One?

Caller 1: I'm so alone. [click]

Kagy: Caller Two, Aliens may destroy the world, how does that make you feel?

Caller 2: You! You bitch! What have you done with my boyfriend?

Kagy: Oh god. Was that your's? I can barely remember a thing.

Caller 2: Where is he? He won't answer his cell phone! He hasn't been home! I saw you leave with him Saturday night and never saw him again!

Kagy: [siff] Look, all I remember was walking out of the theater and waking up confused and naked with three other...bodies in a dumpster outside the Springhill Police station. Be glad we were all still alive...I think. I have no idea if one of them was your boyfriend, okay? I got out of there fast.

Caller 2: In a dumpst- What?

Kagy: And I never did find my clothes or my own cell phone. Er...Or, in fact, anyone's clothes or possessions.

Caller 2: I...uh...What did you do to him?!!

Kagy: I don't know, Two, as I told you! Just... [sigh] Just call the police and tell them to check for clues behind their station. [click] Once again, if you were at the party... [snort] Man. Just call me and tell me what happened, if you can remember. I still don't know who the other two women were. Damn, there goes that baby again. Caller Three, if I paid you in gold doubloons, would you kill me?

Caller 3: Hey Kagy I...Oh...No, I wouldn't. I just have some stuff I gotta plug on your show.

Kagy: Sure, why not? It's not dangerous, is it?

Caller 3: No, they are everyday under the counter megaphones. I have twenty-seven of these fine devices that can amplify the quietest of voices 30 to 40 decibels, and they each have an attention function! [click-SCREECH!]

Kagy: Aaaahh! [sound of headphones flying across the room]

Caller 3: Now, each of these have been supped up by yours truly and if you call me in town, I can deliver them to ya' as soon as tomorrow. [clicking sound of Megaphone] My phone number is XXX-XXXX in the 405 area-code!!! Thanks Kagy! [click]

Kagy: [sounds of fumbling and random swearing] [in a dying voice] kiiiiilllll meeee...

Caller 4: Kagy, will I ever find true love? [silence] Hello? Kagy?

Kagy: kiiilllll meeee.....

Caller 4: Uh...Kagy?

Kagy: kiillllll.....meeee......

Caller 4: Er...I...I think I got the wrong number.

Kagy: [whispering] sssevennn daaaysss....

Caller 4: I gotta go. [click]

[roll commercials]

Friday, June 18, 2010

Justin Bieber Attacks

[Segment starts with Personal Jesus, by Depeche Mode, performed by Marilyn Manson]

Kagy: Oh thank God for Manson. For those of you tuning in, we're under attack here at In the Red because someone realized that Justin Bieber is the devil and decided to call in playing him every five minutes. If you're out there, ghost of Alester Crowly, I could use some voodoo that you do. Oh....Oh my phone lines are lit up, but I'm afraid to touch them. Here goes...Caller talk to me.

Caller 42: Still working on the source, Kagy.

Kagy: Thank Poe, it's Malchavian Daren. What do you mean, the source?

Darren: Me and Dr. Nick have been messing with your phone lines. We were listening in and decided to start hacking into the phone system...Hang on. What? Why are you giving me the signal to shut up?

Dr. Nick: [in the background] Quiet, already!

Darren: Oh, right. I mean to say we certainly would never hack into a public phone system, that would be illegal. Anyway, the most we've found by tracing the source is the calls are coming from inside Springhill.

Kagy: Brilliant. You are truly an epic detective duo. Hold on, I got another call. [click] Caller Forty-Three, whats...

Caller 43: [Plays a clicp of Eenie Meenie Minee Mo Lover, by Justin Bieber]

Kagy: [with hatred] NO! [click] The horror. The horror. Caller Forty-Four...Please be safe to pick up.

Caller 44: [sounds like Roger Jackson] Trouble tonight, Kagy?

Kagy: I'll ask the questions here. But...I forgot what tonight's question was. Ugh. What's up, Forty-Four?

Caller 44: I was about to call regarding the failings of reason and how it's dangerous to rely exclusively upon it, but your plight is far more interesting.

Kagy: Ah, this would be Mr. Hand.

Caller 44: Indeed. Tell me, Kagy, why would the vocals of America's preteen star bother you so?

Kagy: Or you kidding? His voice sounds more autotuned than T-Pain. Forget my own toxic hatred for diabetes inducing pop-music, this would be an attack upon my audience.

Caller 44: You could always start screening calls.

Kagy: And ruin the spontaneity of Springhill's public? I'm not sure it's worth it.

Caller 44: You're choice, of course. Sounds like you change the show's format to screened calls or change it's name to In the Red with Justin Bieber. I'll leave the decision to you.

Kagy: Mr. Hand, it almost sounds like you had something to do with this?

Caller 44: And you sound paranoid. I am just presenting out an observation. Good luck, Kagy. [click]

Kagy: That was creepy. Caller Forty-Five, talk to me. And NO MUSIC!

Caller 45: Hey, Kagy. It's the Barrle Roll guys. We're calling cuz we feel sorry for you.

Kagy: Er...Thanks you?

Caller 45: You know what you ought to do?

Kagy: I can guess. [click] Alright. [breaths] Here we go. Caller Forty-Six, what's on your-

Caller 46: [Plays a clip from One Less Lonely Girl, by Justin Bieber]

Kagy: [Unintelligible screaming] [click] Hang on a second, Springhill. [dialing noise]

Darren: Uh...Hello?

Kagy: Darren, any luck?

Darren: Nope, we're still checking. Most likely we won't know until tomorrow's show, if they do this again. Um...Not there there's anyway we'd know 'cuz we're defiantly not doing anything illegal.

Dr. Nick: [in the background] Dude, would you shut up!

Darren: I gotta go, Kagy.

Kagy: Yeah, sure. [click] Okay, one last call. First I will clear the lines...and last Caller, speak.

Caller 47: [Plays a clip from Never Say Never, by Justin Bieber] [click]

Kagy: NEVER! [sound of angry screaming in concert with something thrown across the room] Okay...Okay...We're done. I know it's a little early, but I think we've both had enough, Springhill. Tomorrow I'll be a the Cerulean Theatre on Campus. Mina's Movie Club will be showing The Night Flier. Blah Blah blah. I'm done. [About a minute of dead air] Okay. I said ALRIGHT! Grrr. [Read quickly] In the Red is produced by David Orger and I'm you're host Kathryn Guilty. This was a K.N.O.T. College Radio production. Thanks go to our fearless leader, Tom Wits and anyone who listened. Thanks to everyone who called in except you! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Good Night and die in a fire. [click]

[Show ends with She's Unreal, by Meat Beat Manifesto]

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Who's next on The Chopping Block

[Segments starts with Lover's End, by Birthday Massacre]

Kagy: Alright, Springhill, we're still here chugging away on this track called 'reality.' Let's see...which line should I pull next? How about...Caller Twenty-Five, Who will be Next on the chopping Block?

Caller 25: [voiced like Roger Jackson] I don't even know what that means, but I thought I'd get something off my chest anyway.

Kagy: Oh, sure. The Doctor is in, five cents, please, Mr. um....

Caller 25: Again, you make little sense. I don't like names. Called me Mr. Hand. I have talked with so many...I guess the only word for them is 'zealo,t' that tell me I'm going to hell if I don't change my heathen ways.

Kagy: To rule or to suffer? Wait, you've been talking to Crazy Bob, haven't you?

Caller 25: Robert Filben is ignorable. That fact that he is known as Crazy Bob makes him about as serious as an aardvark in a clown wig. No, I'm talking about people at my work place, which I shall not reveal. As inappropriate a place to declare my damnation, I still receive such thread from the children of God. I'm quite sick of it, so I'm declaring that I will indeed go to Hell if that's the price to be free to think for myself and not in the confines of religious dogma that is forced down our throats harder than any health care bill. That's right, I'm damning myself out of spite.

Kagy: A brave statement.

Caller 25: Would you like to come to Hell with me, Kagy?

Kagy: That was easily the best pickup line I have ever heard, Hand, but I can't because I still believe forgiveness is a divine ideal.

Caller 25: I don't understand what you mean.

Kagy: If forgiveness is divine then there would be no Hell. [click] Next. Caller Twenty-Six, Who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 26: Paris Hilton. I hate that bitch! She's worthless!

Kagy: Apparently she worth your attention. [click] Caller Twenty-Seven, Who's next on the Chopping block?

Caller 27: [young man's voice] Hey, Kagy, I'm in the middle of homework. I know it's late, but I have a question.

Kagy: Can't you ask your parents for help, Twenty-Seven?

Caller 27: No. They're asleep. Look, I'm in the middle of a question for Environmental Science, and it asking me what the temperature is called when humidity reaches a point to cause condensation.

Kagy: You won't believe it, Twenty-Seven. I actually know that answer. It's called a Dew Point.

Caller 27: Dew? DO A BARRLE ROLL!!! [click]

Kagy: ARGH!!! They just KEEP. GETTING. IN! Oh, this Thursday morning is turning into quite something, isn't it? Caller Twenty-Eight, who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 28: My friend is, I guess. Can you believe she doesn't like anime? I mean, it's just a aesthetic, isn't it? A cool Aesthetic. Anime is awesome!

Kagy: Uh...yes. Sure. Whatever you say, Otaku.

Caller 28: What does Kagy think about anime?

Kagy: I'm usually bored with it, excepting some individuals such as Petite Cossette and, of course, the Vampire Hunter D movies. The trouble is so many people mistake anime style for anime content. Just because it's anime does not automatically make it good. Compare a good anime, such as Eden of the East, in my opinion, against a bad anime such as the Angel Sanctuary OVA, in my opinion. Too many themes and story elements repeat themselves in most anime. The high school harem story with super esper powers saving the world from a galactic spirit world menace in the sky. It's just Meh after a while, wouldn't you agree?

Caller 28: [long pause] You're going to hell. [click]

Kagy: Might as well hook up with the early caller, then. Date accepted, Mr. Hand. We'll be back after this.

[run commercials]

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Who's Your Favorite Author?

Kagy: Can you hear it? Defecate fingers clicking and tickling the keyboard of my life, tapping out fate in digital percussion. It's as if God were writing my life into Yggdrasil draped in wired and silicon. Fabulous. If you haven't guessed, you're now In the Red with me, Kagy. I've adjusted my headphone to hear you better and pulled close my wine to forget you faster. Tonight's question is, who's your favorite author? Before we get started, I have a little tune here that I should have played last show, given the question, but was lost in all the excitement. Meet me back here is a few minutes.

[Plays Bela Lugosi's Dead, by Bauhaus, Radio edit.]

Kagy: Ready to play a little game tonight, Springhill? I get a point for every caller who strays off topic. Okay, Caller one, speak with me.

Caller 1: What's the deal with anime?

Kagy: One point for me. What's wrong with anime, One?

Caller 1: What's not wrong with it? Just for starters, it's everywhere! It's like a plague, or something. All the girls have these enormous boobs and disturbingly big eyes.

Kagy: I take it you don't like cartoons?

Caller 1: Cartoons are fine. I mean, Tom and Jerry. THAT was a good cartoon. But this new anime thing is just out of control. [click]

Kagy: I see. Caller Two, any thoughts on your favorite author?

Caller 2: No, and I'm never going to read again!

Kagy: How tragic. Why, may I ask?

Caller 2: Oh, because we're all going to die.

Kagy: Yes.

Caller 2: No, I mean, yeah. We're all going to die. Sure. But I mean we're all going to die soon! Forget about 2012, or the backed up geyser in Yellow Stone Park. The government is going to destroy us first by taking away our rights. We won't be allowed to have guns, they're tracking us in every way through credit cards and soon RFID tags, They're choking up the Internet with these new rules abolishing net neutrality. The world is ending on a social level and there's nothing we can do about it!

Kagy: Don't forget all the poisons in our food and water.

Caller 2: I know! There's nothing we can do! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Kagy: [click] Of course, the world was ending since humans could light fire. Caller three, are you feeling cheerful.

Caller 3: I know what happened to the cats.

Kagy: Eh?

Caller 3: Remember, a couple of weeks back?

Kagy: Yes, we're all familiar with the mystery of the Cats of Springhill. What happened?

Caller 3: I...I was walking through the woods south of Black Well, and I found a house. I'm a photographer, you see.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, I like to photograph old buildings and decaying structures. This house looked abandoned, so I climbed in through the window. It looked like the previous owners had a...a thing in the basement. There was a lot of equipment and a lot of cat skeletons lining the walls of the basement.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, they were still there. The owners, I think. There were about five of them, dead in the attic. It looked like they fought back against something, and... [pause] God the dried blood. It was beyond creepy. But they were still there, Kagy. Just...Just the bones. Brown stained bones.

Kagy: Hmmm...Do you have photos?

Caller 3: God help me, it was all I could do. I couldn't move when I saw them. Just...I just took pictures.

Kagy: Let me transfer you to David real quick. [click] Springhill, we'll be right back.

[Roll commercials]

Monday, June 7, 2010

What is Lookville?

Hey, Springhill.

If I may step slightly out of character for a bit, I just received this in the mail and thought I might share the automation of the internet with you. First, read this [Anything in brackets is my addition]:

Hi there blogger! [Hello, Robot]
Just visited your [Machine Voice] "In the Red with Kagy" [End Machine Voice] blog and I was super impressed by its design and content. [That's Super! Clearly, you didn't notice I use a stock design that barely works with my content, but thanks for the flattery.] We just opened up our site Lookville for beta testing. [Uh-Oh, I see where THIS is going.] It's a place for people to have discussions, share tips, and ask questions about fashion. [Okay, clearly you didn't read my blog nor its description] Currently, memberships are by invitation only and I would love to have you on it! [What? Why? I'm a Goth DJ in Podunk Oklahoma, not Tyra Banks] Use this invitation link to sign up if you're interested: [Link withheld]

And we would love to hear your feedback.
- Heidi C.
[Goodbye, Robot.]

I won't pretend to be slightly flattered that In the Red has gathered the attention of bots so soon, but it does seem out of place, doesn't it? Lookville, if you are interested, is like Digg.com, only with fashion blogs at it's center instead of the news. This seems like a stable concept, but their recruiting methods leave something to be desired. Is it a scam spam? Probably not. As Dr. Nick tells me, it's just a budding website, trying to get it's wheels off the ground.

Tune in tomorrow, Springhill. I shall endeavored to continue my transcripts.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Who is Your Favorite Dracula?

[Segments starts with Sick and Beautiful, by the Artificial Joy Club]

Kagy: Thirty-Nine calls! We're booking it tonight, Springhill. Caller, you are number Forty! Now, who played your favorite Dracula?

Caller 40: Oh my God! Did I win?

Kagy: No, Forty, you're just number Forty tonight. Who played your fav-

Caller 40: What did I win?!

Kagy: Listen, sister. There is no prize! You get nothing!

Caller 40: Great! How much is it worth?

Kagy: I...uh...[click] Forty-One, who is your favorite Dracula Actor?

Caller 41: Christopher Lee. [Click]

Kagy: Ooo, nice choice. Back when he was hot. Forty-Two, what about you?

Caller 42: [much talking in the background] Hey, Kagy.

Kagy: Er...Is this Tom?

Tom: Yeah, Babe. I'm out here at the Mave and we all decided that Lugosi was the best by popular vote.

Kagy: The popular vote, of course. Who were second choices?

Tom: Lee, of course, but also Gary Oldman, Richard Roxburgh, and, I can't believe I'm saying this, William Marshall.

Kagy: William who?

Tom: [long pause] He was Blackula.

Kagy: I...uh... [click] What caller am I on? Oh yes. Forty-Three, what of thee? Who's your favorite Dracula?

Caller 43: [whispering] Shhh...I'm hiding.

Kagy: Oh good, a stalker.

Caller 43: I just found this get together of the Springhill Knights, a collection of farm boys and high school kids who dish out their own brand of vigilante justice.

Kagy: Oh...I know about the Knights. You should probably just walk up and say 'Hi.' They don't like suspicious stalkers.

Caller 43: They have a bonfire just at the edge of town. I heard them on my CB radio.

Kagy: Yes, they still use those even after the invention of the cell phones. Tell me, do you see a man near the fire in a red cowboy hat and leather jacket?

Caller 43: Uh...let me see....yeah...yeah he's next to a truck right in front of me. I can just make out the license plate...it's...[click]

Kagy: One moment, Springhill. [dialing noise followed by ringing]

Voice: Hello?

Kagy: Kicker? Turn on your headlights.

Voice: Kagy?

Kagy: Headlights.

Voice: Alright alright. There, they're on.

Background Voices: Hey, who's that? What the? GET HIM! [click]

Kagy: [laughs] Oh, sometimes this is too easy. Forty-Four, what's up?

Caller 44: The dude from Monster Squad! He was the most awesome Dracula of all.

Kagy: Monster Squaud... Let's see, that was...Duncan Regehr. Also, one of my favorite movies as a child.

Caller 44: Yay! [click]

Kagy: Alright, let's finish this at a nice round forty-five. Caller, who is your favorite Dracula.

Caller 45: Hello, Kathryn.

Kagy: Hey, everyone! It's Vlad! Vlad, Springhill is curious. Who is Springhill's-only-vampire's choice for best Dracula.

Vlad: Does Max Schreck count?

Kagy: I...uh... [click] And I'm calling it a morning, faithful listeners. As always I'll be on tomorrow morning at One, and you can meet me at the Cerulean Theatre for Mina's Movie Club. This week, we're watching Blood: the Last Vampire; anime version. In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio and is produced, roughly, by David Orger. Thanks go to our station director, Tom Wits and to everyone who called in. Even you. I'd like to thank anyone listening to this or any small time radio. Have a good sleep with pleasant nightmares. And Vlad, yes, Max Schreck counts...I think.

[End with My Favorite Things, by Rodgers and Hammerstein, performed by Pomplamoose]

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What's Your First Memory?

[Segment starts with Heal It Up, by Concrete Blonde]

Kagy: I was a lier, you were a cheat. God, I love that song. Kagy, Here, and it's our midpoint, so I thought I'd switch things up. Tell me, Springhill, what's your first memory? Caller Eighteen, you're on. What's your first memory?

Caller 18: I just woke up for a horrible nightmare, Kagy, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Kagy: It's true that NOTHING is more interesting than hearing people's dreams, but I'm quite fond of nightmares. Tell me your's.

Caller 18: I was in Springhill, but everything was in Black White and Red. Remember the Goth Pizza Shop that used to be around?

Kagy: Oh yes. I used to go there all the time.

Caller 18: Well, I dreamed that a demon entered the place while a psychic woman told her niece to get out of the building. Then two men robbed the joint while I watched, but as they entered the bathroom, they each, in turn, were killed. There was blood everywhere.

Kagy: I don't know how you'de have seen that. They never had lights in the bathrooms, but it sounds like something that happened to my friend, Panda Girl. [click] Nineteenth Caller, let me hear you holler. What's your first memory?

Caller 19: Kagy, how do I ask a boy out?

Kagy: What are you, 15?

Caller 19: Well...Yeah.

Kagy: Oh...Sorry, I wasn't expecting to give a class. What's the boy like?

Caller 19: Oh, he's super. He's real soft spoken and he doesn't ask me hard questions, like what it's like to go home to a family that hate you or why your uncle invite you over and you both spend the night drinking all the cooking sherry. I mean my GOD! Who does he think he is?! And I can't tell my damn Dad, cuz he never listens to a word I say, he just picks fights and wakes me up with cigaret burns, that fucker! I'll kill them! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!!! [panting wildly]

Kagy: Ah. [pause] Well, the first thing you should do is talk to the school councilor, the second, get the boy to talk about himself then ask him out afterwards. [click] Wow, that was more awkward than my family reunions. Caller Twenty, What's your first mem-

Caller 20: Cats!

Kagy: Yes, it was a fine play. Especially if you're into furries.

Caller 20: No, the Cats are back! Why?!!

Kagy: You sound familiar.

Caller 20: I called in last week about the cats! They disappeared, and now their back! Why?!

Kagy: You think that's strange? Gargamel strolled up to my door, as happy as can be all purry and furry. He won't eat a thing, now.

Caller 20: Yeah. We notice that, too. None of the cats would eat.

Kagy: Well, alls well that ends well, I guess. We may never find out what happened.

Caller 20: But it drives me nuts! I'm going to find out, one way or the other, Kagy. Even if I have to dissect one of those beasts. [click]

Kagy: Strange. Caller Twenty-One, let's have plenty fun.

Caller 21: [Voice like William Sanderson] Chili.

Kagy: Huh?

Caller 21: My first memory. It's chili. That's why I opened the shop. Hey Kagy.

Kagy: Is this Steve?

Caller 21: That's me. Chili has been my life since my first memory.

Kagy: How old were you?

Caller 21: Three years old. That's why Steve's Deadly Chili is the best in the world. I've got tons of practice.

Kagy: You're already a sponsor, Steve. No need to plug your shop, here.

Caller 21: I just live and breath chili, Kagy. It's all I think about.

Kagy: Sure sure.

Caller 21: Well, that and little girls, but my therapist says to keep my mind busy with the chili.

Kagy: Uh...

Caller 21: So tell you're listeners, if they're in need for family fun, come on down to Steve's Deadly Chili Bowl. Bring everyone along.

Kagy: Sure, Steve.

Caller 21: Especially the Girl Scouts. [click]

Kagy: Two awkward moments in one segment? I think not. Time to run some commercials...and Dave, make sure Steve's isn't one of them, this round.

[Run commercials, including Steve's. Freak'n Dave]

Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Night Off

There was no show last night. On Memorial Day, Tom Wits, are fearless director, sent everyone away in exchange for automated music playback. Thank you, WinAmp. No show means nothing to transcribe, so me and my coven got together and played a round of Call of Cthulhu. Fun. Also, my cat, Gargamel, came back, as did, I've heard, all cats in Springhill. Odd.

Today, I've learned there is a Vampire Movie Marathon on Chiller, so I am going to watch that and hide from the sun. Perhaps later today, I'll reread Herbert West, Re-animator, which was what our game last night was about. Good times.

Have a fine day off, and the show will continue as normal tomorrow.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Have You Seen a Cat?

Kagy: Oh my stars, sky, and heavenly bodies! I'm on the radio? How could this be, unless...yes. You MUST be listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. It's a fine Friday morning and you can taste the darkness outside with all those stars and the moon hanging like a sweet scoop of vanilla. It's a mad night for mad people. Tonight's inquiry: What drives you crazy? Before we get started, how about some music?

[Start up Late at Night, by Futureshock]

Kagy: Aren't we all looking for action tonight? Well, Springhill, tell me. What drives you crazy? Caller One, time for fun.

Caller 1: You're going to hell, Kagy!

Kagy: To rule or to serve?

Caller 1: I know this, cuz I've seen ya! Everyone who listened to your vile program! Everyone involved! They're all going to hell!

Kagy: Is this Crazy Bob?

Caller 1: I'm not crazy! I'm the only one who truly sees the face of God! An' he's scowl'n donw upon the city. He don't like what he sees.

Kagy: Okay, first off, how did you get this number, but more importantly, aren't you involving yourself with the program, thus going to hell yourself?

Caller 1: You got'ta KNEEL down, woman! Kneel down and beg the Lord's forgiveness!

Kagy: And that's about as much of that as I can stand. [click] So, where were we? Caller Two, What drives you crazy?

Caller 2: This Cat situation.

Kagy: Oh, not this again. You're talking about the cats all disappearing around Springhill, right?

Caller 2: Yes. Exactly. Everyone has these theories as to why it's happening, but no one knows. Well, I just happen to be part of a class in animal behavior at Annalow University, and we've been researching the situation.

Kagy: Alright, you have my attention.

Caller 2: Our class started by checking with the vet and with local animal shelters, then we had to track down and talk to about 200 cat owners around town. The main pattern is that if a cat leaves the house hold, it vanishes. There have been no new strays for the last week and well known local strays no longer appear. Once a cat leaves human eyes or home, they just disappear. Our best guess is there is some kind of sound or vibration outside of human hearing that's driving the cats away. Our second best guess is an influx of some animal hunting the cats, but that's less likely.

Kagy: Alright, with what I know about sound, there are ways to raise or lower pitch of ambient sound to make the unhearable hearable, but why is the predator theory less likely?

Caller 2: Easy. The certainty of a cat's disappearance means that the predators would be in enough numbers as to not only be noticeable, but alarming as well, but we haven't seen any new animals in Springhill.

Kagy: Hmmm... [whisper] Mysterious. [Slash Whisper] Okay, Two, thanks for your input. [click] We'll change the question tonight to 'Who's seen a cat out there?' The Moon is full. The sky is bright. There must be SOMEONE who's seen a cat outdoors. Caller Three? Any sitings?

Caller 3: Uh...er...No. Hay, can I get that one guys number from last night?

Kagy: Oh yes, 'him.' I remember 'him,' fondly, but...uh...just for our listeners, why don't you be more specific?

Caller 3: The crazy midget guy.

Kagy: It's Dwarf or Little Person, and no, I'm not a phone book.

Caller 3: Well, could you tell him to call me?

Kagy: I'm afraid to ask why, but I'll tell you what: If you're willing to broadcast your phone number across the town's airwaves, go for it.

Caller 3: Um...Never mind. [click]

Kagy: Another dissatisfied customer. We'll be right back.

[Roll commercials]

Thursday, May 27, 2010

What's Your Super Power?

[Segment starts with Slow, by Professional Murder Music]

Kagy: The night is winding down and here comes the morning. I would like to say Three-o-Clock is a good time to call it quits, Springhill, but before that, let's continue our discussion, shall we? Caller Thirty-One, What is your super power?

Caller 31: Hey, I wanna talk about those idiots who always call in with their “Do A Barrel Roll” bit.

Kagy: Oh yes. The frat boys.

Caller 31: Have you any idea how old that joke is? I mean, are they from the past?

Kagy: I've heard that line before, but there's not much we can do. In the Red absolutely refuses to screen calls.

Caller 31: You know what you should do, next time they call? You should...

Kagy: Yes?

Caller 31: DO A BARRLE ROLL! [click]

Kagy: [sigh] It's never been funny, but at least they're putting more effort into it. I shall have to sick the Raw-Hide Roll Players on them. Caller Thirty-Two, what is YOUR super power?

Caller 32: On Water Street there sits an ancient house covered in ivy and mold where lives this...terrible old man.

Kagy: The one who speaks to jars containing lead balls dangling on string? I've heard when he speaks to them, there comes a queer vibration, as if they speak back.

Caller 32: Awe crap, you've heard this one.

Kagy: Tho In the Red supports your ghost stories, please don't plagiarize Lovecraft. [click] For those just tuning it, this is something new that I've never seen. Since the ghost story a couple of weeks back, I've been getting calls telling their own ghost story. Caller Thirty-Three, what is YOUR super power?

Caller 33: Okay, I've thought long and hard about this and I finally got a power wholly original. I've decided that I would be able to drain and copy the powers of others. All these idiots have been wanting silly things like super strength and flight, but I could drain them all. The great thing is, there's never been a super power like this.

Kagy: Except Rogue.

Caller 33: Who?

Kagy: Rogue, from the X-Men? And MegaMan, if you count him.

Caller 33: Uh...

Kagy: Also Syler, from Heroes. Oh, and Peter.

Caller 33: Who...What are you talking about?

Kagy: Does Taskmaster count? Hmmm...Oh well, better luck next time. [click] Caller Thirty-Four, what power would you adorn?

Caller 34: Hey, about that guy who called earlier about the cats.

Kagy: The slow disappearance of cats in Springhill. What about them?

Caller 34: Has anyone figured out that it's due to that new flute player guy who showed up at Hastings a couple of nights ago?

Kagy: You're saying we have a Pied Piper of Springhill?

Caller 34: Something like that. I've just noticed that this all started when he showed up.

Kagy: [gasp] You're right. And you know what, the night the cats began to disappear was the same night I shaved my legs! My God, what am I doing? [whisper] For every smooth leg in Springhill, we lose a cat!

Caller 34: Laugh all you want, but I'm telling you, we need to track that man down and ask him what he's doing with our animals! [click]

Kagy: I love paranoia, but that's all I can take for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This week, as Mina's Movie Club, we're watching Jack Carpenter's Vampires. Meet me there at the Cerulean Theatre on campus this Saturday at Ten. In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio and is producer, wildly, by David Orger with me, Kathryn Guilty, as host. We'd like to thank our station director, Tom Wits, for getting me out of jail, and everyone who called in tonight. Even you. Thanks also to anyone listening to In the Red or any small time radio. Good night and have some very sweet nightmares.

[End with Property of Goat Fucker, by Lenon]

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

How Do You Want To Die?

[Segments starts with Long Way Down, by the Goo Goo Dolls. The music was stricken from Youtube, so no video this time.]

Kagy: I see the clouds invade like drifting tanks on a black board. There's a district smell of rain in my nose, and that drowsy floating feeling I think we're all aware of, as if the dreams float in the stratosphere of our brain. You feel it, too. Caller Eighteen, How do you want to die?

Caller 18: I want to go out like Roman Bellic. Having a threesome on my hundredth Birthday.

Kagy: Sorry, I don't know who that is. [click] Caller Nineteen, How do you want to die?

Caller 19: Malnutrition. Listen, Kagy. If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about our terrible food in Springhill High School.

Kagy: Oh dear. To much junk food?

Caller 19: No, worse. Too little. Our children require more than just the tasteless plants in the caffeteria.

Kagy: I think I remember something in the paper a few weeks back about this. But School is nearly over, Nineteen; and besides that, I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing that healthier diet generally helps Teens academically. Why worry now about the food?

Caller 19: I'm just concerned my kid isn't going to get his choice to eat the chips and Twinkies for lunch that he so enjoys.

Kagy: As a side dish to a healthier lunch, right?

Caller 19: Oh please. Like kids need more than chip. You obviously haven't been a teenager, Miss...uh...Kagy.

Kagy: Why would you want your child to eat junk food instead of...wait a second. Do you work for any particular junk food industry?

Caller 19: Uh...no. No, of course not.

Kagy: Where DO you work, Nineteen?

Caller 19: I have a...very nice juob in the...uh... [click]

Kagy: Wow. Twenty, tell me in this night of plenty; How do you want to die?

Caller 20: I will never die.

Kagy: Hey, everybody! It's Vlad, Springhill's only vampire? How are you tonight, Vlad-inator?

Vlad: Why do you insist on calling me that?

Kagy: I'm like Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Everyone needs a good 'Inator.'

Vlad: I don't know who that is, but I am pleased to hear your voice I the night again, my dear.

Kagy: You flatter, Mr. Inator. Last night, they gave me a cake with a set of handcuffs embedded in it. I've added them to my collection.

Vlad: Welcome back, Kathryn. [click]

Kagy: Awe, that's sweet. That's why I keep him around, but vampire or not, we all die, Vlad. Caller Twenty-One, How will you die?

Caller 21: Asleep like my Grandpa, not screaming in terror like his passengers. [click]

Kagy: Nice. Caller Twenty-Two, How will you die?

Caller 22: Hey, can you make the lights go out again?

Kagy: I'm afraid to ask, but why would you want that?

Caller 22: Are you kidding? I got more tail that night than any other night of my life.

Kagy: Sorry, Cassanova, I don't do repeat performances.

Caller 22: Huh? I don't know who that is. [click]

Kagy: Twenty-Three, any last words before you die?

Caller 23: Why do you do it, Kagy?

Kagy: Why do I do what?

Caller 23: You're clearly talented, yet you put up with these psychos and hillbillies every night. What's the pay out? Why do you subject yourself to these idiots?

Kagy: Ah, that would be telling, now wouldn't it? A better question is 'Why do they keep calling?' I'm clearly an abusive host, yet night after night, I get enough calls to fill a two hour period. Call it my calling to take these calls. If I weren't doing this, I'd have to been a receptionist, but this is far more fun. I'm like an evil Mancow Muller.

Caller 23: Sorry, I don't know who that is, but...Okay, I guess. [click]

Kagy: Mmm, Insightful. Well, my lord and master is signaling me to go to commercial, so away we flitter, but keep it here. We've more psychos and rednecks to chatter with. You are In the Red.

[cut to commercials]

Monday, May 24, 2010

What's on your mind?

Kagy: [cackles maniacally] You can't hold me with your puny bars of metal, little law-system! I'm too awesome! I'm invincible! I am KAGY! And you're listening to me now In the Red. Do not twist those strange knobs on your radio. What have you been up to, Springhill? How was the lightless night last week? Did you sleep well? Are you sleeping now? You know what? I'm so pleased with your support and that small group of mimes who protested for me, you call in and talk about whatever's on your mind. Go on. Oh, I'll bite you, but in a good way. First, however, listen to this!

[Plays Vampire Club, by Voltaire]

Kagy: Caller One who shrank from the sun. What's on your mind?

Caller 1: Uh..What's tonight's question?

Kagy: No Question tonight, One. Talk about whatever's on your mind.

Caller 1: Oh...I thought there was a question tonight.

Kagy: No. What's on your mind, One?

Caller 1: Well...Uh...Have you ever loved a woman, and, you know, wanted to get intimate, but were afraid to ask her.

Kagy: Not since that gay-camp cured me of my lesbian tendencies. Who's the lucky woman?

Caller 1: My...uh...My mom. [click]

Kagy: Oh yes, it's good to be back, Springhill. Caller Two, how do you do? What's on your mindless mind?

Caller 2: Hey, Kagy, what's the question tonight? I missed it.

Kagy: No question, just you and me. [whisper] What's up?

Caller 2: Huh. I thought you always had a question on this show.

Kagy: Too happy to questions anything, Two. Anything on your mind?

Caller 2: Well...It's pretty nice weather outside?

Kagy: Not good enough, Two. [click] Three. What's on your mind?

Caller 3: What's tonight's question, Kagy? [click]

Kagy: Oops, my finger slipped. Four, please don't ask me what tonight's question is.

Caller 4: Hey, Kagy, glad you're back. I...We missed you over here in the university library.

Kagy: Oh? Learned scholars listen to my show? I'm honored.

Caller 4: Well, we're all pretty big fans and we're glad your back.

Kagy: Thank you.

Caller 4: We just wanted to know if you could do something for us real quick?

Kagy: Well, I don't normally do requests, Four, but you got me on the spot. What would you like?

Caller 4: DO A BARRLE ROLL! [click]

[long pause]

Kagy: Son of a...Grr. Caller five, what do you want?

Caller 5: I donno, world peace?

Kagy: Sorry. Sorry. That last caller got to me. What's on your mind, Five?

Caller 5: What's jail like?

Kagy: It's a magical place where branches gilded of gold hung from silver wire under an ivory ceiling. The bars are made of silver and glazed with honey. Soft down were placed fresh on my bed each night for me to sleep and the guards rubbed my belly full with soft meats and sweet fruits until I slowly fell asleep under the warm glow of candle light. I will forever miss the sweet and complex red wines and selection of expensive cheese and caviar. Some nights I remember it fondly with tears in my eyes and the warm feeling of God in my heart.

Caller 5: Re...Really?

Kagy: No, it sucked. [click] Okay, one more. Caller Six, GO!

Caller 6: What's tonight's question, Kagy?

Kagy: It's 'Why Don't You People Ever Listen to Tonight's Question?'

Caller 6: Hey, hey, HEY! No need to get nippy on me. I just turned in during the vampire song, that's all.

Kagy: Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm a little wired. I wasn't able to get my usual glass of wine in. Instead I'm trying coffee and it's aweful. What's on your mind, Six?

Caller 6: Just calling to see how you are?

Kagy: I'm out of jail. No one took care of my cat, so he crapped over everything. My message machine was filled with 'I Told You So's from my ex, and I have NO idea what movie is playing this week at the movie club. I'm at least happy to be out of prison, but otherwise, Ugh. Yourself?

Caller 6: You need to relax a little, that's all. Here, let me tell you what you can do. When you get home, draw yourself a nice hot bath. Add a little milk to it and a little scented oil. Get in slowly and let every muscle just unwind. Then after about ten minutes, twist around in a counter clock-wise motion around and around. This'll help you dodge incoming fire from enemy ships.

Kagy: What? You lost me.

Caller 6: Enemy ship. You know, the one's firring on you space craft. This maneuver is known as a Barrel Roll. [click]

Kagy: I hate you. I hate you all. Suffer these commercials. Suffer LARGE, Humans!

[run commercials]

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'm Back, Baby.

A glass of St John's Red Velvet with a side of chocolate cake,

Watching men fight over me at a bar,

Rain in the morning,

My corset fitting perfectly, not too tight, not too loose,

Four white rings, four green rings,

Crows cawing when I walk outside,

Laughing at the end of an RP session,

Watching vampire movies while eating popcorn with too much butter,

My cat, Gargamel,

Putting on an old coat and finding any amount of money in the pocket,

Listening to my boys bicker,

A set of warm headphones with Fields of Nephilim in them,

Waking up at 3 in the afternoon,

Making snarky comments to callers of my show,

Getting out of jail, because Bill Marx had the foresight to make me record phone conversations with the police,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Steel Bar Blues

I'm in Jail. Yes, the Springhill Police Department didn't think it was as funny or interesting as I did. In the meantime, K.N.O.T. has replayed Friday's episode with us in the woods and plans on replaying some of my old shows from last year. On my side in the legal department is Tom Wits, who has quite a bit of pull and managed to get the university's lawyers on the case as well as my own lawyer, William Marx.

Across from the cell is Mr. Abraham Doddle, grinning like an idiot. The madman who accoplished this evil sceme passes his time with push-ups and ranting on how the autonomous 'They' got what they deserved. I punish him by reminding him he will never have any of the queen's mighty cooch again. Lovely.

I may be off the air for a short while until this all gets sorted out. One thing is for sure, my fan base has grown after last week. There are a gaggle of goths protesting my incarceration which is both endearing and hilarious at the same time. They don't do well in sunlight, and no one is watching at night. While waiting, I'm not sure what to do with my time. I may write a book or reread my Vampire: The Requiem rules again. Not sure what to do in a small town jail cell. Abraham, alas, has learned to play the harmonica. It's a painful sound. Also, I may become a racists if that black woman in the neighboring cell doesn't shut up. Time passes. Turns go by. I'm bored.

Last note for a while: If you're ever hungry and have no money, I highly recommend you get arrested in Springhill on Saturdays. Steve Sylvester, who runs Steve's Deadly Chili Bowl shows up every weekend with the Chili Surprise, which consists of Spaghetti with his famous chili on top. It's damn good, and makes sin very worth your while.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Episode Without Light: Conclusion

[sounds of rains and lots of squirming]

Kagy: I'm currently in a minivan filled with men. Be still my bleeding heart.

Darren: You mean 'beating' heart.

David: Okay, it's working.

Kagy: Welcome back,Sprinhill, if you can hear this.

Darren: I thought I called Shotgun?

Kagy: Queen's prerogative, Malkavian Darren. Dr. Nick, any comment?

Tom: Ew.

Nick: I swear it's not my fault.

Vlad: I heard a boom somewhere?

David: I think those were fire-crackers.

Kagy: Heh. [whisper] Kaboom. [slash whisper] They're enjoying the lightless sky, too.

Vlad: Tell us, Kathryn; How did you know?

Nick: Reveal your secrets!

Kagy: It's...a long story.

Nick: The city's got some time.

Darren: Assuming it hasn't burned to the ground, yet.

Nick: Heh, and everyone has eaten themselves ALIVE!

Vlad: Not one another, but auto-cannibalism.

Kagy: [bursts out laughing]

Tom: So? What happened?

Kagy: Ha Ha Ha. Okay Okay. You remember those semi-lewd phone calls I've been getting about a week back? There was a man named Abraham Doddle who ran the Springhill Power plant on campus. Every other night he would call in and talk about having sex with me. I wanted to put a stop to him, to I went and did something about it.

Tom: Like what?

Kagy: I had sex with him.

[Sounds of everyone's exclamation, some of them four-letter-words you can't say on radio]

Nick: Oh man! So he DID bend you over the power console?!!

David: What? Did you guys fuck up the system?

Kagy: Some of it.

Tom: [laughing his idiot head off] I should be jealous, but I'm too amazed.

Kagy: There was more to it. It was after the show the last time he called. I got to the power station and the nice man up front let me through.

Vlad: Why would he do that?

Kagy: I'm Kagy, remember? So I met Abraham and we...uh...

Darren: Humped like rabbits?

Kick: Got Bis-ay!

Tom: Made a beast with two backs.

Kagy: Well, after all that, he went on about how bored and unhappy he was with his job. He told me his plan. He was going to shut off the power during the next New Moon. He wanted to 'Shut all the Lights Off.'

Nick: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Darren: And how.

Vlad: And now you are an accessory, Kathryn.

Kagy: Hardly. You don't think I told the police? I called them after the next show. It occurred to me that there would be a lot of damage so I felt...um... What's that word? Guilty.

Tom: Me?

Vlad: Shut up.

Kagy: I called the police. I told them exactly what was going to happen and when. They claimed I was trying to create sensation about the radio show. I called them again, this time recording my conversation. My lawyer said to 'get proof.'

Nick: No one listened to you?

Kagy: It's ironic, isn't it? No one listening to a radio hostess. I had to admit, I did like the idea. A lightless sky. So I warned Springhill as best I could. Typically, no one listened. Now we're out in the woods with it raining geese and ganders outside.

Darren: You mean cats and Dogs?

Tom: Avoid cliché, Darren. So, Babe. I know you you could of stopped this.

Vlad: No.

Tom: Yes she could. She's got major influince in Springhill, Mr...

Vlad: Vlad. No, tt's not in her nature.

Kagy: I'm right here, boys. But...yeah, Vlad's right. I really wanted to see a lightless sky.

David: What now? It's nearly three, Kagy.

Kagy: It's all those breaks we took. I wonder how much of this will get to Springhill?

Vlad: My own cabin is around here...I think.

Darren: You have your own Cabin?

Vlad: Of course. You don't think I lived for hundreds of years without a cabin, did you?

Darren: I thought that vampire thing was a joke!

Kagy: It is.

Nick: We hope.

Tom: Anyone remember the lack of power thing going on in town?

Vlad: I have my own generator.

Kagy: And a minivan.

David: Go ahead and wrap it up, Kagy.

Kagy: Er...Springhill. I do hope you're all okay. I love this crazy little town of ours. Hold tight. Power should be back on once they realize I was right. Um...Normal wrap up stuff, David?

David: Quickly, we're out of time

Kagy: Alright. Mina's Movie Club at the Cerulean Theatre, if it's still there. We're a production of K.N.O.T. College radio. My Producer is David Orger, this was my coven, Malkavian Darren, Dr. Nick, the Vlad-inator, Tom, my ex-husband, and I was your host, Kathryn Guilty. Thanks and apologies to the station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who can hear the sound of my voice. Keep listening for emergency information and to small time radio like us. Sweet Nightmares.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Episode Without Lights: Middle

[Forrest noises. A fire. Emergency radio. You know the drill]

Kagy: Are we okay over here?

David: Good as gold.

Kagy: Sorry about that, Springhill. No music tonight. Not much of anything tonight, from the looks of things. Vlad and Dr. Nick have just gone to check out something towards the lake. Darren, any last words?

Darren: Last words? What's that mean? Last words?

Kagy: Before the rage infested zombie crosses come to rape us to death. [David laughing in the background]

Darren: That's not funny.

Kagy: Yes it is.

David: The fire is nice, though.


David: Dead Air, Kagy. Say something.

Kagy: Sorry, got caught up in the fire. Ooo, here come's our local Doctor and Vampire. And they brought...Oh. My. God.

Nick: He was sneaking around the woods, spying on us.

Tom: Er...Hey, baby.

Kagy: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privy to an...interesting interview tonight. It's Tomas Guilty, live on the show.

Nick: Damn, Vlad, I don't think I've seen you move that fast.

Vlad: Prey you don't ever again.

Nick: Ooo, Spooky.

Tom: So...What's up?

Kagy: Why are YOU here, Tom?

Tom: When Kathy Guilty says the lights are gonna go out, Tom Guilty listens. I figured I'd catch you hear...alone.

Kagy: Alone? Are you Mad? With the lights out? It's panic out there! No, I got my boys with me. Oh, Darren, you haven't met him, yet. This is...sorry, was my husband.

Darren: Everybody knows about Tom.

Nick: Every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

Darren: Pull up a log, dude.

Tom: Thanks.

Vlad: How did you get out here?

Tom: The Mave went dark around ten. We all thought it would happen, but we weren't really ready for it to actually happen.

Nick: You knew, too?

Tom: It's all Kagy has talked about for the last week. You don't think I play just ANY music as the Mave, do you? The patrens are mostly college students that miss being goth or poet-heads.

Darren: Sorry, what's the Mave?

Tom: Coffee shop and the closest thing to a club around Springhill. We got plenty of bars. Only one all night coffee shop. Anyway, Some girl named Pauline started passing out flashlights and I got out our candles. After a while, we all decided to leave early. I shut down the Mave and ran for Black Well.

Kagy: How'de you know we would be here. Right here, exactly.

Tom: Come on, Babe. It's Cabin 13 at the End Trail.

Vlad: She lead us here on purpose. Of course.

Kagy: I swear, I didn't know this place was here. I was directing at random.

Vlad: You were not. But I have no idea why you would want to be here. This place closed down after the Jack Splatter events of 2004.

Tom: It' obvious, Mr...uh...

Vlad: Vlad.

Tom: You're not talking to an amateur. This is Kathy Guilty. She loves being in the middle of all the crazy in Springhill. Probably set up the power outage, too.

Kagy: If I said I didn't, would you believe me?

Tom: No.

Vlad: Yes.

Darren: Maybe.

Tom: What? Oh, come on. Of course she set it up. It's what she does. The town maybe full of crazy people, but don't think Kathy is any voice of reason in the middle of the night.

Vlad: You were married? Then you know she would never do anything that were put her in legal trouble. She fears jail more than she loves chaos.

Kagy: [ahem] I'm right here, boys.

Nick: Quiet. We're talking about you, not to you.

Kagy: Hey.

Darren: Nah, she didn't cause this. How would she?

David: Oh no.

Kagy: What's up, David?

David: Rain. I just felt the first drops. I gotta get this equipment inside.

[sound cuts out]