Kagy: [cackles maniacally] You can't hold me with your puny bars of metal, little law-system! I'm too awesome! I'm invincible! I am KAGY! And you're listening to me now In the Red. Do not twist those strange knobs on your radio. What have you been up to, Springhill? How was the lightless night last week? Did you sleep well? Are you sleeping now? You know what? I'm so pleased with your support and that small group of mimes who protested for me, you call in and talk about whatever's on your mind. Go on. Oh, I'll bite you, but in a good way. First, however, listen to this!
[Plays Vampire Club, by Voltaire]
Kagy: Caller One who shrank from the sun. What's on your mind?
Caller 1: Uh..What's tonight's question?
Kagy: No Question tonight, One. Talk about whatever's on your mind.
Caller 1: Oh...I thought there was a question tonight.
Kagy: No. What's on your mind, One?
Caller 1: Well...Uh...Have you ever loved a woman, and, you know, wanted to get intimate, but were afraid to ask her.
Kagy: Not since that gay-camp cured me of my lesbian tendencies. Who's the lucky woman?
Caller 1: My...uh...My mom. [click]
Kagy: Oh yes, it's good to be back, Springhill. Caller Two, how do you do? What's on your mindless mind?
Caller 2: Hey, Kagy, what's the question tonight? I missed it.
Kagy: No question, just you and me. [whisper] What's up?
Caller 2: Huh. I thought you always had a question on this show.
Kagy: Too happy to questions anything, Two. Anything on your mind?
Caller 2: Well...It's pretty nice weather outside?
Kagy: Not good enough, Two. [click] Three. What's on your mind?
Caller 3: What's tonight's question, Kagy? [click]
Kagy: Oops, my finger slipped. Four, please don't ask me what tonight's question is.
Caller 4: Hey, Kagy, glad you're back. I...We missed you over here in the university library.
Kagy: Oh? Learned scholars listen to my show? I'm honored.
Caller 4: Well, we're all pretty big fans and we're glad your back.
Kagy: Thank you.
Caller 4: We just wanted to know if you could do something for us real quick?
Kagy: Well, I don't normally do requests, Four, but you got me on the spot. What would you like?
Caller 4: DO A BARRLE ROLL! [click]
Kagy: Son of a...Grr. Caller five, what do you want?
Caller 5: I donno, world peace?
Kagy: Sorry. Sorry. That last caller got to me. What's on your mind, Five?
Caller 5: What's jail like?
Kagy: It's a magical place where branches gilded of gold hung from silver wire under an ivory ceiling. The bars are made of silver and glazed with honey. Soft down were placed fresh on my bed each night for me to sleep and the guards rubbed my belly full with soft meats and sweet fruits until I slowly fell asleep under the warm glow of candle light. I will forever miss the sweet and complex red wines and selection of expensive cheese and caviar. Some nights I remember it fondly with tears in my eyes and the warm feeling of God in my heart.
Caller 5: Re...Really?
Kagy: No, it sucked. [click] Okay, one more. Caller Six, GO!
Caller 6: What's tonight's question, Kagy?
Kagy: It's 'Why Don't You People Ever Listen to Tonight's Question?'
Caller 6: Hey, hey, HEY! No need to get nippy on me. I just turned in during the vampire song, that's all.
Kagy: Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm a little wired. I wasn't able to get my usual glass of wine in. Instead I'm trying coffee and it's aweful. What's on your mind, Six?
Caller 6: Just calling to see how you are?
Kagy: I'm out of jail. No one took care of my cat, so he crapped over everything. My message machine was filled with 'I Told You So's from my ex, and I have NO idea what movie is playing this week at the movie club. I'm at least happy to be out of prison, but otherwise, Ugh. Yourself?
Caller 6: You need to relax a little, that's all. Here, let me tell you what you can do. When you get home, draw yourself a nice hot bath. Add a little milk to it and a little scented oil. Get in slowly and let every muscle just unwind. Then after about ten minutes, twist around in a counter clock-wise motion around and around. This'll help you dodge incoming fire from enemy ships.
Kagy: What? You lost me.
Caller 6: Enemy ship. You know, the one's firring on you space craft. This maneuver is known as a Barrel Roll. [click]
Kagy: I hate you. I hate you all. Suffer these commercials. Suffer LARGE, Humans!