Tuesday, May 25, 2010

How Do You Want To Die?

[Segments starts with Long Way Down, by the Goo Goo Dolls. The music was stricken from Youtube, so no video this time.]

Kagy: I see the clouds invade like drifting tanks on a black board. There's a district smell of rain in my nose, and that drowsy floating feeling I think we're all aware of, as if the dreams float in the stratosphere of our brain. You feel it, too. Caller Eighteen, How do you want to die?

Caller 18: I want to go out like Roman Bellic. Having a threesome on my hundredth Birthday.

Kagy: Sorry, I don't know who that is. [click] Caller Nineteen, How do you want to die?

Caller 19: Malnutrition. Listen, Kagy. If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about our terrible food in Springhill High School.

Kagy: Oh dear. To much junk food?

Caller 19: No, worse. Too little. Our children require more than just the tasteless plants in the caffeteria.

Kagy: I think I remember something in the paper a few weeks back about this. But School is nearly over, Nineteen; and besides that, I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing that healthier diet generally helps Teens academically. Why worry now about the food?

Caller 19: I'm just concerned my kid isn't going to get his choice to eat the chips and Twinkies for lunch that he so enjoys.

Kagy: As a side dish to a healthier lunch, right?

Caller 19: Oh please. Like kids need more than chip. You obviously haven't been a teenager, Miss...uh...Kagy.

Kagy: Why would you want your child to eat junk food instead of...wait a second. Do you work for any particular junk food industry?

Caller 19: Uh...no. No, of course not.

Kagy: Where DO you work, Nineteen?

Caller 19: I have a...very nice juob in the...uh... [click]

Kagy: Wow. Twenty, tell me in this night of plenty; How do you want to die?

Caller 20: I will never die.

Kagy: Hey, everybody! It's Vlad, Springhill's only vampire? How are you tonight, Vlad-inator?

Vlad: Why do you insist on calling me that?

Kagy: I'm like Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Everyone needs a good 'Inator.'

Vlad: I don't know who that is, but I am pleased to hear your voice I the night again, my dear.

Kagy: You flatter, Mr. Inator. Last night, they gave me a cake with a set of handcuffs embedded in it. I've added them to my collection.

Vlad: Welcome back, Kathryn. [click]

Kagy: Awe, that's sweet. That's why I keep him around, but vampire or not, we all die, Vlad. Caller Twenty-One, How will you die?

Caller 21: Asleep like my Grandpa, not screaming in terror like his passengers. [click]

Kagy: Nice. Caller Twenty-Two, How will you die?

Caller 22: Hey, can you make the lights go out again?

Kagy: I'm afraid to ask, but why would you want that?

Caller 22: Are you kidding? I got more tail that night than any other night of my life.

Kagy: Sorry, Cassanova, I don't do repeat performances.

Caller 22: Huh? I don't know who that is. [click]

Kagy: Twenty-Three, any last words before you die?

Caller 23: Why do you do it, Kagy?

Kagy: Why do I do what?

Caller 23: You're clearly talented, yet you put up with these psychos and hillbillies every night. What's the pay out? Why do you subject yourself to these idiots?

Kagy: Ah, that would be telling, now wouldn't it? A better question is 'Why do they keep calling?' I'm clearly an abusive host, yet night after night, I get enough calls to fill a two hour period. Call it my calling to take these calls. If I weren't doing this, I'd have to been a receptionist, but this is far more fun. I'm like an evil Mancow Muller.

Caller 23: Sorry, I don't know who that is, but...Okay, I guess. [click]

Kagy: Mmm, Insightful. Well, my lord and master is signaling me to go to commercial, so away we flitter, but keep it here. We've more psychos and rednecks to chatter with. You are In the Red.

[cut to commercials]


  1. Mmmm, gotta agree with #18. though I'd drop the age to say.. 40. Being old would be the suck. Breaking my hip isn't exactly my life goal.

  2. I take the George Carlin Route. Even if I'm brain dead, you had better keep that machine forcing life into me, I don't care how much pain I'm in.