Friday, May 28, 2010

Have You Seen a Cat?

Kagy: Oh my stars, sky, and heavenly bodies! I'm on the radio? How could this be, unless...yes. You MUST be listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. It's a fine Friday morning and you can taste the darkness outside with all those stars and the moon hanging like a sweet scoop of vanilla. It's a mad night for mad people. Tonight's inquiry: What drives you crazy? Before we get started, how about some music?

[Start up Late at Night, by Futureshock]

Kagy: Aren't we all looking for action tonight? Well, Springhill, tell me. What drives you crazy? Caller One, time for fun.

Caller 1: You're going to hell, Kagy!

Kagy: To rule or to serve?

Caller 1: I know this, cuz I've seen ya! Everyone who listened to your vile program! Everyone involved! They're all going to hell!

Kagy: Is this Crazy Bob?

Caller 1: I'm not crazy! I'm the only one who truly sees the face of God! An' he's scowl'n donw upon the city. He don't like what he sees.

Kagy: Okay, first off, how did you get this number, but more importantly, aren't you involving yourself with the program, thus going to hell yourself?

Caller 1: You got'ta KNEEL down, woman! Kneel down and beg the Lord's forgiveness!

Kagy: And that's about as much of that as I can stand. [click] So, where were we? Caller Two, What drives you crazy?

Caller 2: This Cat situation.

Kagy: Oh, not this again. You're talking about the cats all disappearing around Springhill, right?

Caller 2: Yes. Exactly. Everyone has these theories as to why it's happening, but no one knows. Well, I just happen to be part of a class in animal behavior at Annalow University, and we've been researching the situation.

Kagy: Alright, you have my attention.

Caller 2: Our class started by checking with the vet and with local animal shelters, then we had to track down and talk to about 200 cat owners around town. The main pattern is that if a cat leaves the house hold, it vanishes. There have been no new strays for the last week and well known local strays no longer appear. Once a cat leaves human eyes or home, they just disappear. Our best guess is there is some kind of sound or vibration outside of human hearing that's driving the cats away. Our second best guess is an influx of some animal hunting the cats, but that's less likely.

Kagy: Alright, with what I know about sound, there are ways to raise or lower pitch of ambient sound to make the unhearable hearable, but why is the predator theory less likely?

Caller 2: Easy. The certainty of a cat's disappearance means that the predators would be in enough numbers as to not only be noticeable, but alarming as well, but we haven't seen any new animals in Springhill.

Kagy: Hmmm... [whisper] Mysterious. [Slash Whisper] Okay, Two, thanks for your input. [click] We'll change the question tonight to 'Who's seen a cat out there?' The Moon is full. The sky is bright. There must be SOMEONE who's seen a cat outdoors. Caller Three? Any sitings?

Caller 3: Hay, can I get that one guys number from last night?

Kagy: Oh yes, 'him.' I remember 'him,' fondly, but...uh...just for our listeners, why don't you be more specific?

Caller 3: The crazy midget guy.

Kagy: It's Dwarf or Little Person, and no, I'm not a phone book.

Caller 3: Well, could you tell him to call me?

Kagy: I'm afraid to ask why, but I'll tell you what: If you're willing to broadcast your phone number across the town's airwaves, go for it.

Caller 3: Um...Never mind. [click]

Kagy: Another dissatisfied customer. We'll be right back.

[Roll commercials]

1 comment:

  1. Good thing Darko's an inside cat! I don't let my little furball out of my sight! He's too scared to go outside anyhow. I used to let him peek out the door but.. not anymore, I think.

    Why couldn't this be happening to dogs instead? I know a few neighborhood dogs I'd like to make "disappear."