Thursday, May 6, 2010

How Will You Survive a Lightless Sky?

Kagy: Hello, Springhill. My nifty cell phone tells me the moon is at 49% full. We are being swallowed into the blackest night's sky. You need to be ready out there, Springhill. Allow me to help. You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. Tonight's question; How will you survive a lightless sky? Ponder that while I play a little Real Life.

[plays Send Me an Angel, by Real Life]

Kagy: I've never seen the lines so full. Let's see. You. Caller One, what have you done?

Caller 1: Hello, Kagy.

Kagy: Hello, One. How will you survive when all the lights go out?

Caller 1: I...don't even know what that means.

Kagy: On the 13th and 14th of May, the lights will blink out under a new moon. Don't ask me how I know, but I do want to know what you'll do when it happens?

Caller 1: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably grab a beer and get drunk. Wait, isn't that a work night? Crap, I don't know.

Kagy: Call me when you do, sweety. [click] Number Two, what will YOU do?

Caller 2: Nothing. My life's already a mess.

Kagy: Poor boy. Tell Grand Mistress Kagy all about it.

Caller 2: I...Huh? Oh, it's a rut, Kagy. I'm in a horrible rut. Do you know what my life is like?

Kagy: A twisted reflection of society's misgivings about human freedom and happyness is a world run by the unfeeling corporate machine?

Caller 2: No. Well, yeah, but no. I live in Groundhog Day.

Kagy: Please tell me you're talking about the movie.

Caller 2: I'm talking about the movie. I don't get days off, Kagy. Every morning I wake up at 7:00 and hit the alarm. I get dresses, turn off my TV in the living room, kiss my wife, sit in traffic behind the same car, pass by a tree with a single leaf on it, click in, my boss tells me I'm late, I sit at a cubical and I work on the same thing every week.

Kagy: Oooo. [whispering] Are you going to snap, Number Two?

Caller 2: Thought about it. I got the gun right here. The Mrs. is asleep.

Kagy: Well, put that down. Here's an answer to your problems. I want you to struggle through the next couple of days, but this time I want you to wear a stalk of Broccoli around your neck like a pendant.

Caller 2: Uh...

Kagy: I know it sounds crazy, and it is. Any time someone points it out, act like it's not there and they're crazy. If you want to have fun with them, talk to them staring at their chin. Works wonders. Finally, take the week end off, Two. What ever you're working on, it's not worth your weekend. Call me back Friday morning and tell me how that goes. [silence] Caller Two? Are you going to do it?

Caller 2: Sure. What else have I got to lose?

Kagy: Good luck. [click] Caller Three, so what will be be? How will you survive a lightless sky?

Caller 3: with BEEEEERRRR!!!

Kagy: Oh yeah. Cinco De Mayo. Three, are you drunk?

Caller 3: Yeah, man! WOOOO!!!

Kagy: Do you know what Cinco De Mayo celebrates? Or why you're so drunk?

Caller 3: Isn't it...uh...Mexican independence, or something?

Kagy: You're celebrating the Mexican victory of the Battle of Puebla, not Mexican Independence. They have a separate day for that. Talk to a Mexican, Three. They're all over Springhill.

Caller 3: Oh.

Kagy: [sigh] Actually, you're just using it as an excuse to get drunk. Drink one for me, Three. [click] I shouldn't talk. I have my ever present wine, here, but at least I know why I'm drinking. Four, just one more. How will you survive a Lightless-

Caller 4: Hey, baby. It's Tom.

Kagy: Oh God. Er...Tom, are you drunk?

Tom: Yeah, but only a little.

Kagy: Wow, things must be pretty bleak there at the Mave.

Tom: It's not. I just still love you, baby.

Kagy: Woof. I don't know if I'm nearly drunk enough for you tonight, Tom.

Tom: Still think about you. You know I listen in every night when I'm at the Mave. The guys here...are just awesome.

Kagy: Yeah. Well, that's all the time I got, Tom. [click] Time for a commercial. Where the hell is that wine? Dave, would you start screening--

[Roll commercials]

No comments:

Post a Comment