Tuesday, May 4, 2010

In Patience a Vitue?

Kagy: The new moon is coming. A black dot in the sky of black. Gorgeous. When the moon wanes, I like to wax philosophical, so at this mid point of the show I ask you, Springhill; Is Patience a virtue? I'll let you tell me in a second...or just vent your mind, but first, this.

[Plays Fall No More, by Bella Morte]

Kagy: Caller Twenty-Two, you are on and, is patience a virtue?

Caller 22: No.

Kagy: Wow, someone stayed on topic. Why not, Twenty-Two?

Caller 22: I don't have time to explain. [click]

Kagy: So much for conversation. Twenty-Three, how about thee?

Caller 23: Hey, Kagy, it's me again.

Kagy: [Whisper] Oh, no! Not you! [not whispering] Wait. Who are you, again?

Caller 23: Oh, sorry. I'm the census guy from last week?

Kagy: The survivor. Yes. Any psychopathic encounters, Twenty-Three?

Caller 23: God, I wish. At least it's not awkward running from freaks. No, I got another grief. Today I was talking to a fellow, we'll call him X, cuz the U.S. Government doesn't like people knowing their names, and he was arguing that gays don't count when taking a census.

Kagy: [bursts out laughing]

Caller 23: Listen, people. It's a Census. We're trying to figure out how many of what kind of people there are in the U.S. And YES, fucking gays count. My God.

Kagy: The more you know. [plays 'The More You Know' theme] And welcome to Springhill Oklahomophobic, Caller. [click] Twenty-Four, Patience. Is it a virtue?

Caller 24: Kagy, hey. I'm new in town and I figured I'd call to orient myself.


Caller 24: Uh...I don't know. Yes?

Kagy: Alright, Twenty-Four, where are you from?

Caller 24: Oh, I just moved up from Varkmore down south? Along I-35? You know?

Kagy: Thankfully not. But what's your question?

Caller 24: Oh. Okay, you seem to be in the know around here. I live around the edge of Campus and wondered if there's anything I should know. Cuz, you know. New town and all that.

Kagy: It's not a problem. Just remember the following: Stay off the bike paths or you will be run over. Always tell the Clock-Lady it's twelve past ten AM. You'll know her when she talks to you. Never try to argue with Crazy Bob. And the Rawhide Roll-Players meet every Friday night at the Student Center. Trust me, you'll need to meet them, even if you don't R.P.G. They're like the Sprinhill Mafia.

Caller 24: There always seems to be a Crazy Bob in these towns.

Kagy: Oh, we don't know his real name. A-a-and before I forget; do not, under any circumstances, juggle in front of the Student Library between three and five PM.

Caller 24: What? Why?

Kagy: Ooo. Just trust me on this. I admit it isn't likely to happen, but the last guy lost both his corneas.

Caller 24: Huh? [click]

Kagy: Twenty Five, we're still alive. Is Patience a Virtue?

Caller 25: [this guy's voice scares me because he sounds like a dealership commercial] Kagy, hi. Can I plug something here?

Kagy: By all means. Ignore the larger questions of life and philosophy to advertise. What would I know about talk shows?

Caller 25: K, thanks. Springhill, I'm a dwarf at 4 feet, 3 inches, but I have a keen knowledge of torture and interrogations and I have a maniacal laugh. My main skills are that of cranial manipulations and enough medical knowledge to keep a victim conscious for maximum infliction of pain until the final door closes. Though I am straight, I can work on either sexes. I'm currently seeking employment. I have served under the finest of criminal sadists and terrorists including Jeffery Gacy, the Hacksaw Killer, the Blood Sucking Freak, and many others. If you have a need for a man such as me, be it for legitimate purposes or not, I would love to serve under the right mastermind as long as the pay is good. I have a resume on Monster.com, but the best way to contact me is by phone. My cell is area code XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Kagy: Wo-ow.

Caller 25: Thanks, Kagy. I'll see you soon. [click]

Kagy: So...While I'm calling the police, I'll just leave you with these messages.

[Roll commercials]

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