Monday, May 10, 2010

What Would You Do With Two Hours to Live?

[Segments starts with I Use My Powers for Evil, by Lesbian Bed Death]

Kagy: Would you believe that even I, Queen Kagy, am getting tired? It's true! Even the tireless night's queen get's...uh... So let's wrap this show up. Caller Thirty -Four, What would you do if you have two hours to live?

Caller 34: Are you Emo?

Kagy: I...hmmm... That depresses me just enough to cut myself at night.

Caller 34: No, I mean it. I mean, you're all sad and stuff. Cheer up, Emo Duck.

Kagy: Ri-i-ight. What makes you think I'm emo, Thrity-Four?

Caller 34: You dress in all black. You play all depressing songs and stuff. You got this weird bondage thing going on.

Kagy: A: I rarely wear all black anymore. Not since I shocked my hair white. B: Morbid songs, sure; not depressing. C: I wear what I like to see myself in, but that doesn't make me “into bondage and stuff.” And C: Nothing you've described is Emo. If anything, that sounds. [whispers] dare I say it, Springhill? Goth?

Caller 34: Well, what's the difference?

Kagy: Same difference between crying in your pillow and sarcastic snark. Next! [click] Thirty-Five. You have two hours to live. What do you do?

Caller 35: Well, I've thought about this long and hard and I would...

Kagy: Yes?

Caller 35: Do a Barrle Roll! [click]

Kagy: Seriously? Hello, Thirty-Six. This show can you fix?

Caller 36: Hey, Kagy, can I plug something?

Kagy: I don't know, caller. Last guy who advertised was a maniacal sadist dwarf.

Caller 36: Oh, I'm not selling myself like the last guy.

Kagy: Well...Okay. Plug away, Thirty-Six.

Caller 36: Hey, ladies and gentlemen out there, are you sick of the same old boring no-tell-hotel for your weekend getaways. Well here at 13-Doors Hotel, we have the finest is multi-dimensional accommodations. Each room has it's own link to omni-present horrors and gateways to Tartarus for you and the women folk for the relaxing get aways or incestuous trysts! Here at 13-Doors, we don't judge! Heck, we don't even know who you are, since all check-ins are required to where a black bag over their head. Yes, 13-Doors Hotel, where our modo is Lleh Ni Kcoc Skcus Rehtom Ruoy. [Click]

Kagy: Thanks you, Thirty Six, that wasn't creepy or maniacal at all. Thrity-Seven Would YOU like to go to a hotel with multi-dimensional horror in every room?

Caller 37: Would I?

Kagy: Wait a second, You're the Same guy?!!

Caller 37: I think you underestimate the power of these CRAZY PRICES! Kagy, we're not just talking about a unholy hell-mouth and resort, we're talking about a place you can gleefully accomplish decedent sin in complete anonymity, as long as you don't mind the unknowable nightmares within the walls. [click]

Kagy: What? How. Okay, that was weird. Caller Thirty-Eight, How are-

Caller 38: You can hang up on me, Kagy, but not on this fantastic deal! [click]

Kagy: Three Lines! Three consecutive Lines! Ugh, I'm too tired for this. We're calling it a night. Before we go, you should remember that every Saturday at the Cerulean Theatre, we have Mina's Movie Club. All Vampire movies for only a buck a fright. I'll be there, of course. This upcoming movie is the original Dracula, with Bela Lugosi. Lovely. You've been listening to In the Red, a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio in Springhill, Oklahoma. It was produced unwillingly by David Orger and I'm your host, Kathryn Guilty. Our appreciation toward the station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who called in, even that creepy jerk earlier. Three Lines, David! He got in on Three Lines! Well, thank you for listening to to K.N.O.T. As well as any small time radio. Have very sweet nightmares, Springhill. I know I will.

[Segments ends with No One Lives Forever, by Oingo Boingo]

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