What's Your Super Power?

[Segment starts with Slow, by Professional Murder Music]

Kagy: The night is winding down and here comes the morning. I would like to say Three-o-Clock is a good time to call it quits, Springhill, but before that, let's continue our discussion, shall we? Caller Thirty-One, What is your super power?

Caller 31: Hey, I wanna talk about those idiots who always call in with their “Do A Barrel Roll” bit.

Kagy: Oh yes. The frat boys.

Caller 31: Have you any idea how old that joke is? I mean, are they from the past?

Kagy: I've heard that line before, but there's not much we can do. In the Red absolutely refuses to screen calls.

Caller 31: You know what you should do, next time they call? You should...

Kagy: Yes?

Caller 31: DO A BARRLE ROLL! [click]

Kagy: [sigh] It's never been funny, but at least they're putting more effort into it. I shall have to sick the Raw-Hide Roll Players on them. Caller Thirty-Two, what is YOUR super power?

Caller 32: On Water Street there sits an ancient house covered in ivy and mold where lives this...terrible old man.

Kagy: The one who speaks to jars containing lead balls dangling on string? I've heard when he speaks to them, there comes a queer vibration, as if they speak back.

Caller 32: Awe crap, you've heard this one.

Kagy: Tho In the Red supports your ghost stories, please don't plagiarize Lovecraft. [click] For those just tuning it, this is something new that I've never seen. Since the ghost story a couple of weeks back, I've been getting calls telling their own ghost story. Caller Thirty-Three, what is YOUR super power?

Caller 33: Okay, I've thought long and hard about this and I finally got a power wholly original. I've decided that I would be able to drain and copy the powers of others. All these idiots have been wanting silly things like super strength and flight, but I could drain them all. The great thing is, there's never been a super power like this.

Kagy: Except Rogue.

Caller 33: Who?

Kagy: Rogue, from the X-Men? And MegaMan, if you count him.

Caller 33: Uh...

Kagy: Also Syler, from Heroes. Oh, and Peter.

Caller 33: Who...What are you talking about?

Kagy: Does Taskmaster count? Hmmm...Oh well, better luck next time. [click] Caller Thirty-Four, what power would you adorn?

Caller 34: Hey, about that guy who called earlier about the cats.

Kagy: The slow disappearance of cats in Springhill. What about them?

Caller 34: Has anyone figured out that it's due to that new flute player guy who showed up at Hastings a couple of nights ago?

Kagy: You're saying we have a Pied Piper of Springhill?

Caller 34: Something like that. I've just noticed that this all started when he showed up.

Kagy: [gasp] You're right. And you know what, the night the cats began to disappear was the same night I shaved my legs! My God, what am I doing? [whisper] For every smooth leg in Springhill, we lose a cat!

Caller 34: Laugh all you want, but I'm telling you, we need to track that man down and ask him what he's doing with our animals! [click]

Kagy: I love paranoia, but that's all I can take for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This week, as Mina's Movie Club, we're watching Jack Carpenter's Vampires. Meet me there at the Cerulean Theatre on campus this Saturday at Ten. In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio and is producer, wildly, by David Orger with me, Kathryn Guilty, as host. We'd like to thank our station director, Tom Wits, for getting me out of jail, and everyone who called in tonight. Even you. Thanks also to anyone listening to In the Red or any small time radio. Good night and have some very sweet nightmares.

[End with Property of Goat Fucker, by Lenon]