Where Are You?

Kagy: Tick Tock. Tick Tock. It's two-o-clock here on In the Red. You know what that means. Let's change the pace a little bit. I ask you, Springhill, Where are you under the night right now? Let that sink in while I play you a little ditty.

[Plays Rake It In, by Imogen Heap]



Kagy: Alrighty, caller Eighteen, where are you?

Caller 18: It's late. I'm sitting here in my squad car with a snort of liquid courage, trying to remember the good times when my partner was still alive.

Kagy: Oh my. Did we lose one of Springhill's finest, officer?

Caller 18: A good one fell today, Kagy. Someone we all should feel the loss of.

Kagy: I'm sorry. What...What was their name?

Caller 18: Muffin.

Kagy: Officer Muffin. Um...

Caller 18: He was only one year old.

Kagy: Are you putting me on?

Caller 18: Death is no joke, Kagy. No matter what you goths think. Just think. He was two years from retirement. Sad. So Sad. Best officer hamster I've ever known.

Kagy: Don't hamsters live to be, like 2 years anyway? I'm just saying.

Caller 18: Don't give me that! Muffin was a good cop! Next time we need to do a full cavity search, who's gonna be the one to reach into the suspect?

Kagy: I'm...gonna have to cut you off.

Caller 18: You'll be sorry. You all will. With Muffin gone, what's life worth living? [click]

Kagy: What indeed. Nineteen, please, oh please don't be crazy.

Caller 19: [Car Dealership voice, again. I should'a guessed who it was] I'm not.

Kagy: Oh good. Where you at, broth'a?

Caller 19: I'm deep in the sub basement of some evil masterminds house. Classified, you understand. Hey, Kagy, I wanted to thank you for letting me plug my resume.

Kagy: Hmmm...You're not the dwarf from Tuesday morning, are you?

Caller 19: I am. Before, I was a down on his luck sadistic second bannana, but now, thanks to your show, I'm working for the cruelest man ever to call himself a rebuplican. Of course, I can't reviel who or, you know. I'd have to...

Kagy: Kill me?

Caller 19: Don't mind if I do. [click]

Kagy: There is such things as happy endings, I guess. Twenty of plenty, where are you out under the night's thousand eyes.

Caller 20: I'm sitting in my house with a stalk of broccoli around my neck.

Kagy: Ha! I'd hoped to hear from you, Twenty. How did it go?

Caller 20: No one noticed. The most I got was three out of seven of my bosses shuddered when I was looking at their chin.

Kagy: Oh, they noticed. This is a game of seeing how much you can get away with. Did you get the weekend off, at least?

Caller 20: We'll see. My wife thinks I'm crazy. She says I must've snapped and she's calling her mother about it. It's...it's just...

Kagy: Fantastic?

Caller 20: Yeah.

Kagy: Heh. Never let it be said that the world would do better off without crazy, Twenty. Stay on the line. David is going to give you the number and address for Mina's Movie Club. I wanna see you there, okay? [click] David, you got him? Alright, Twenty-one, are you having fun?

Caller 21: No. Do you realize how much damage you're doing to my son?

Kagy: Sorry miss, what?

Caller 21: With your morally damaging music and you're free for all attitude with your show.

Kagy: Uh-huh. How old is your son, Ma'am?

Caller 21: What does that matter?

Kagy: It's ten after two, Ma'am. What are they...No, what are YOU doing up?

Caller 21: Listen, it's you kind that is deteriorating the moral fiber of our community.

Kagy: How old?

Caller 21: 37! What does THAT have to do with it?

Kagy: Heh. [click] Caller Twenty-Two, last call before we take a break. Where are you?

Caller 22: Still in this sub-basement.

Kagy: Ah. More to say?

Caller 22: Just wanted you to know that I know where you're station is, Kagy.

Kagy: Some one leaked that info to Google again, didn't they? Well, luckily our attack rats guard the entrance. Mwa Ha Ha!

Caller 22: Oh, not Rats. I don't like rats.

Kagy: How do you feel about hamster?

Caller 22: They're the worse! I fear them, ever since the master...did things to me...[click]

Kagy: Officer Muffin, we miss you. Let's all take a moment of silence as I roll a few messages.

[roll a few messages]