Monday, May 3, 2010

What Have I Got in My Pocket?

Kagy: Hello, Springhill. You're radio is now under Kagy control and you must listen to In the Red, with me, Kagy. My friend and producer, David, was kind enough to slip a bottle of Cru Beaujolais in the window before coming in the front door so I'm ready for the night, now. My wine glass has an eye of Horus on it. The secret word of the night is 'blue' and the questions I have for you is: What have I got in my pocket? As always, I'll be taking your calls, any and all, but before that, let's warm up with a little Blue Oyster Cult.

[plays Harvester of Eyes, by Blue Oyster Cult]

Kagy: Alright, caller one, let's start the fun. What have I got in my pocket?

Caller 1: Kagy, hi. Um...can you help me?

Kagy: Depends, One. What's your 'boggle?'

Caller 1: Oh, I have this iMac and I've been working on it all night, you know, surfing the net?

Kagy: You sound like Darren. What's wrong with it?

Caller 1: Well, I was in the middle of a net conference-

Kagy: Conference? This late at night.

Caller 1: Sure.

Kagy: One, I can't help you if you're not truthful.

Caller 1: [pause] All right, I'm on World of Warcraft. Anyway, I was in the middle of a horde raid when I got this blue screen of death. [click]

Kagy: This isn't Tech Support, and I'm not Darren. Caller Two, we'll get this through.

Caller 2: Is it an ankh.

Kagy: Why an Ankh?

Caller 2: You know. Cuz' of the Eye of Horus thing.

Kagy: Good guess, but no. [click] Now let's see. Three, what could it be?

Caller 3: [imagine the thickest okie accent you can. I couldn't spell most of what he said] Kagy, I wanna tell you about a major problem with this country.

Kagy: Oh no. [whisper] A politician.

Caller 3: It's gun control. This whole ruckus with guns causing crime to skyrocket. [sound of a dog barking in the background] When are you people going to understand that guns aren't evil, people? They're tools, like hammers or cars.

Kagy: Tools? Alright, Three, what do you use your gun for?

Caller 3: [Barking still going on] Lots of things! I shoot it, I...uh... Oh, I can use it as a hammer.

Kagy: Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy a hammer?

Caller 3: [Still, with the barking] Yeah, well that's not all. I can drill holes in stuff I'm building! I can turn off my T.V. from across the room! I can SHUT THE FUCKING DOG UP!!! Uh...Yeah, where was I? [click]

Kagy: Creepy. Caller Four, do you have anything more?

Caller 4: Hi! Good I got in. Kagy I want to ask you a question. You're a goth, right?

Kagy: That would be a pretty arrogant claim, Four.

Caller 4: What's with your obsession with dog collars?

Kagy: Hmm?

Caller 4: I was at Hastings yesterday standing in line when I saw these two Halloween rejects, and one of them was wearing a dog collar with a bell on it. Why would someone do that? What is she, a dog? Do you goths act like dogs? Should we be painting our fire hydrants black for you people?

Kagy: Wait...Was she wearing a green bodice with a white dress and white hair?

Caller 4: How did you know? [click]

Kagy: That was me, you idiot. Curse this small town! Five, do you hate me?

Caller 5: What? No. I uh...Hey, can you play that one song again? The country remix of Gen and Juice that you played Thursday night? [click]

Kagy: I am Kagy. I don't do requests. Ugh. Six, you wanna get in this mix?

Caller 6: Kagy, Hi. Did that guy just say he got a Blue Screen of Death?

Kagy: Ah, it's Darren, of Malkavia. Yes, I think he did. I was honestly not paying-

Darren: That's impossible! He was using a Mac! They have completely different errors! What was this guy, and idiot?

Kagy: Oh boy. Darren, would you like me to get his number? So you two love birds can talk about computers?

Darren: I'm just saying. I bet the guy loves his USB cup holder. Jeez.

Kagy: Alright, I'm game. Caller One, if you're still listening, call back. I have a late night date for you. [click] In the mean time; Seven, any final words before I switch out to commercial?

Caller 7: Do a Barrel Roll! [click]

Kagy: Well at least I know I have one dedicated listener. Ugh. The director said I could do anything I want as long as I played these messages. Talk to you in a moment, Springhill.

[commercial time]

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