Friday, April 30, 2010

How My Show Ends

[Note: Again, this is from the NEXT night. Thursday. Pick up on this trend, please. Also, regarding profanity: In the Red hit's the air about one minute after our calls are received so we can bleep out cursing by the callers. However, I'm assuming you are not all fanatical Christian old ladies, so I unbleep them as I write the transcripts.]

[Segments starts with Maenam, by Jami Sieber, better know from the Braid video game]

Kagy: Caller 31, we're nearly done. We're talking about South Park Censorship. Talk to me.

Caller 31: Let's me tell you something. I can't stand this town.

Kagy: No no. Feel free to stomp over my well thought up nightly question.

Caller 31: What?

Kagy: Nothing. Why is Springhill a problem, 31?

Caller 31: I'll tell you why. I'm work for the Oklahoma Census Bereau and every day I have to knock on the doors of people who can't spend ten minutes to fill out a simple questionnaire and send it back to America, which isn't the problem. The problem is this crazy town!

Kagy: What's wrong with Springhill, Caller?

Caller 31: Haven't you noticed? There's something wrong with this place! I'll give you an example. Today, I knocked on this old man's door, right? Real nice guy. He let's me in; offers me tea; polite as a man can be. His decor was a little messed up, but I've seen worse. Looked like he was a big game hunter or something, cuz everything was leather, right?

Kagy: Uh-huh.

Caller 31: So I ask him a simple question; “How many people are in the house hold?” Right? He asks back, “Does the furniture count?” And I'm all like, “What? It's Furniture.”

Kagy: Hmmm...Senile, was he?

Caller 31: No! I was sitting on human leather! Only in Springhill, man. Only in Springhill. The rest of the day was filled with what you'd expect. Running and hiding in old barns filled with meat hooks, chainsaw wielding maniacs wearing human-skin, deranged trailer park inhabitants. You know the drill.

Kagy: Wow, that's some story, Thirty-one.

Caller 31: Oh, and speaking of drills- [click]

Kagy: My night is filled with these people, folks. Thirty-two. South Park. What do you think?

Caller 32: Hello, Kagy. I have a poem for you.

Kagy: Ooo. [whisper] Poetry. Gimme.

Caller 32: Roses are red...

Kagy: Oh. It's you.

Caller 32: ...violets are blue.

Caller 32 and Kagy at once: I'll rape you with a rake! [click]

Kagy: Sometimes I wish I could block calls with this equipment. Caller thirty-three, care to comment?

Caller 33: Kagy, you ready for tomorrow night?

Kagy: Oh, Hey! It's Dr. Nick. Yes. Game on. I'll have to shuffle around for my character, but sure. We LARPing or table top tomorrow?

Nick: Table: the Requium. Oh, and I'm making chili.
[Note: for the curious, we play Vampire. What else?]

Kagy: Chili! [whispering] I love chili.

Nick: Huh? But...

Kagy: [still whispering] Chili. Gimme chili. I want chili.

Nick: But...Aren't you, like, the goth'iest girl in Oklahoma or something?

Kagy: What? Chili is goth. It's very VERY Goth. [pause] Because it's...Hmmm...dark red.

Nick: Wow.

Kagy: I like to imagine I'm eating human meat with a side of blood. Yeah.

Nick: Wow. Just Wow, Kagy. [click]

Kagy: Sorry about that personal conversation, folks. Let's finish off with one last caller. Thirty-Four, any last words?

Caller 34: [yawn] Yeah. Play some real music!

Kagy: Ah, a debate of semantics. Let's me guess. Country and Western fan?

Caller 34: Yeah. I mean, this is God's country you're in, little girl. [yawn]

Kagy: You sound pretty tired there, Pops.

Caller 34: Oh, sorry. It's just late, you know? I'm just...[yawn] Man. So yeah. Let's hear some Joe Nichols. Some Time McGraw. Throw in some Reba, man. I can't take this Halloween shit.

Kagy: I understand, sir. [sound of me rummaging through CDs] You just lay back in your tractor seat and shut you're eyes. I'll take care of you in true Oklahoma fashion. [click] I know what you're thinking, my friends. Kagy with Country music? But it's alright. We're the minority, and it pays to show a little respect to the raw-hides in “God's Country.” I'll return to Cruxshadows and Bauhaus tomorrow morning. Remember, I'll be at Mina's Movie Club at the Cerulean Theatre on campus this Saturday as every Saturday for vampire movies. This week they'll be showing Pale Blood, so look forward to that. Meet me back here tomorrow at 1:00 in the AM. [country music starts playing] In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio. It is produced, loosely, by my friend David Orger, and I'm your host, Kathryn Guilty. Thanks go to our station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who called in, yes even you, and finally everyone who listens to K.N.O.T. and/or small time radio of any sort. Good night, children and have very sweet nightmares.

[Show ends with Gen and Juice, by The Gourds]

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