How the Show Starts

Kagy: Good morning, barely. You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy, on K.N.O.T. The moon is just over the studio right about...[pause]...now and I've got a classy bottle of vino I snuck in under my dress where the director never dares to look. Today, I thought I would ask, “What's keeping you up, Springhill?” What do you have to be awake about at one in the morning. As usual, I'll take your calls, but first, a spring time song for my Springhill friends. This is Tom Lehrer.

[plays Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer]

Kagy: The wine is not so classy, after all. It's really bad, but it's all I have. A little motivation, Springhill. I have a few lights lit on my board. Perhaps you can drive me to drink the rest of this swill. Caller One, you are on.

Caller 1: [eating noise] Hey, Kagy.

Kagy: Hello. Enjoying a little late night snack, I hear?

Caller 1: Yeah, about that. I'm actually calling about last night's show.

Kagy: “The strangest thing you've eaten?” [whispers] Are you eating it right now?

Caller 1: Huh? No. This is just snake. Nah, I'll tell you the worse thing I've eaten. Spider.

Kagy: I...Spiders?

Caller 1: Spider. Just one. It was a dare. I swear!

Kagy: Was it poisonous? [whispers] Was it...Delicious?

Caller 1: Nah, not poisonous, but I did need to go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. No big deal.

Kagy: And was it worth...wait. No big deal?

Caller 1: Nah, they all know me there. Send me Christmas cards an stuff. I have it done regularly; mostly due to the dare I get to eat things.

Kagy: Wow. I don't think I can stand you any more. [Click] Next caller. Number Two, what do you do?

Caller 2: I run the power plant.

Kagy: Oh No. Not you.

Caller 2: Wait, Kagy. Don't hang up!

Kagy: Can you behave yourself, Two?

Caller 2: Yes, Ma'am. See, I wanna apologize for last night. I was out'ta line when I said I wanted to see you bent over my control console.

Kagy: Yes, I don't need reminding, Two.

Caller 2: Just bent over. Flashing light showing off your beautiful bod- [click]

Kagy: Three, don't disappoint me.

Caller 3: Do a Barrel Roll! [click]

Kagy: Caller Four whom I adore. What are you up so late for?

Caller 4: [whisper] Hunt'n.

Kagy: [also whispering] Oh, I see. What are we hunt'n today, four?

Caller 4: [whisper] The most dangerous prey of all.

Kagy: [whisper] Love?

Caller 4: [whisper] Man.

Kagy: [whisper] Oooo. Are you going to eat what you shoot, like Ted Nugent? Or, I guess in this case, Ted Bundy?

Caller 4: [whisper] No, not that kind of hunt. [pause] Um...Yeah, actually, I guess it is. Listen. This jack-ass was wining about the Annalow Oxen. Right now, I'm sneaking up on him, an I'm gonna give'm a pounding for it.

Kagy: [whisper] OUR Annalow Oxen? But football isn't in season. What did he say?

Caller 4: [whisper] Said Charlie 'Nutcase' Smighter must'a been brain damaged, cuz he sits and stares at the wall before, after, and during a game, but I know better.

Kagy: [whisper] Oh. [pause] Are you close to him, yet?

Caller 4: [whisper] So close I can smell him.

Kagy: [whisper] Good. [Yelling] Smighter is a freak'n Slob who deserves to be sacked in hell forever!

Caller 4: WHAT? You take that back, you BITCH!

Guy in the background: Wha? YOU!

Caller 4: Awe, hell!

Guy in the background: Crap! [voice fading] Smighter deserves to be thrown off the team you idoiiiiiit...[click]

Kagy: Caller Five, you are Live.

Caller 5: Hello, Kathryn

Kagy: Tom?

Caller 5: Yeah. It's me. [click]

Kagy: [gulping noise] [gasp] That would be the last of the wine. I'll leave you with our sponsors while I grab another bottle to try to drown out the horrible memories of my ex husband. You're listening to K.N.O.T.