Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Who's Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes?

Kagy: My friends. You and I are interested in the future, for that is where we will spend the rest of our lives. Yes, future events such as these will effect you in the future. Can you withstand the unimaginable horror of In the Red with me, Kagy? Springhill, how have you been? This week, we will experience a lightless sky. Are you ready? Am I? Call me and talk to me before the world ends. Tonight's question is: Who do you want to see against the wall when the revelution comes? Let that soak in while I play you a tune.

[plays Birthday, by the Cruxshadows]

Kagy: Alright, caller one, you are on. Who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?

Caller 1: Advertisers. Bunch of lying basters if you ask me! Like telephone services. AT&T says they cover 97% of all Americans! That's impossible. What about the one's without phones?

Kagy: I don't think that's what they mean.

Caller 1: What about the one's on military bases, or vacationing in the jungle somewhere?

Kagy: I think they mean everyone who uses cell phones.

Caller 1: Awe no. That is NOT what they say. They say very CLEARLY “97% of ALL Americans.”

Kagy: I hate to ask, but, what cell phone company are you using?

Caller 1: I don't use cell phones! Those things'll give you cancer! In the head!

Kagy: So you talking on a LAN Line?

Caller 1: What? No! I'm using a 1950's rotary phone, like every American should.

Kagy: Apparently only 3% do. [click] Caller Two, When the revolution comes, who would you screw?

Caller 2: Hey, Kagy. I finished building this nifty little device!

Kagy: And this has to do with our topic because...?

Caller 2: It's a device that you just add sand and water to. Works quietly and effectively! You'll love it. You can use it around the house or in the basement or in your car!

Kagy: [pause] So?

Caller 2: So what?

Kagy: So what does it do?

Caller 2: What do you mean? It freezes sand.

Kagy: It freezes sand.

Caller 2: It's specifically designed to freeze sand. Yeah.

Kagy: Okay, you have my attention. Please enlighten me and my audience as to the countless uses for frozen sand.

Caller 2: Well, you could...uh... You could... I mean... Did I mention the car adapter.

Kagy: Fabulous. [click] Caller Three, What do you think of Frozen Sand?

Caller 3: It beats bears. I mean the animal, not the sport.

Kagy: I suppose so. So who do you want against the wall when the revolution comes?

Caller 3: You mean the political, not the dance? I guess I'd want Keith Oberman. The news-guy, not the dog.

Kagy: There's a Dog names Keith Oberman?

Caller 3: Well, Keith Doberman. He lives just round the block. The Dog, not the news guy. And, oh, I mean city block, not the wooden ones. And I mean My block, not your- [click]

Kagy: Caller Four, whom I adore. Why do you call me for?

Caller 4: I was pondering, as I listened to your beautiful voice, the condensation of morning dew upon the petals of a rose.

Kagy: Awe, that's actually...sweet, Four. How dost thou compare me to this morning dew?

Caller 4: Dew? DEW A BARRLE ROLL! [click]

Kagy: Pht. Ya' got me. Caller Five, you have arrived.

Caller 5: Springhill! Do NOT wear your bike helmets!

Kagy: What? Why not?

Caller 5: They're dangerous! I'm serious. My friend was riding his bike with that helmet on and BAM, hit by a truck.

Kagy: Alright. How was the helmet to blame?

Caller 5: I don't know, but two year ago, my sister was wearing a helmet when she hit an ice patch on her motorcycle. Crippled her.

Kagy: I'm not sure where you're leading with this.

Caller 5: Okay, like, this guy on Cops was wearing a helmet when BAM! Shot to death.

Kagy: I'm sure that's not true.

Caller 5: I don't know what the connection is, yet, but everyone I know who wears helmets get seriously hurt. Those things are damage magnets, man! Avoid Helmets at ALL costs!

Kagy: Alright, that's enough of that.

Caller 5: Fight the helmets! [click]

Kagy: I think it's time for a break, people, but we'll be right back with helmets, barrels, and frozen sand after this.

[roll commercials]

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