Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What's With These Cricket?

[Segments stars with Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, by Tom Lehrer]

Kagy: Somewhere under all this chaos, there is a story to be told. Not by me, of course. I'm hardly a journalist, but I sit at the riverside of information in this town and many strange things float by, including this. For those tuning in, there is a strange cricket invasion in the parking lot of Merit Field Stadium. Well, since it's the middle of the show, I think I'll change my question to “What's up with all these Crickets?” Caller Twenty-Eight, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 28: [muffle chirping noise in the background] I don't know, but they smell.

Kagy: You're near the parking lot?

Caller 28: I'm IN the Parking Lot. I'm actually in my car in front of the football stadium.

Kagy: I've seen it. It's...oh...I would say...

Caller 28: Biblical. I mean, there's not just a few crickets here. I thought you were exaggerating, but I can't see things like the doorway to the stadium because it's covered in crickets! This is crazy! I'll tell you what, tho. They smell! I never knew crickets smelled, but they stink to high heaven.

Kagy: Thanks for that update, Twenty-Eight. [click] Twenty-Nine, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 29: They want free internet.

Kagy: Ugh. That was just awful. [click] Caller Thirty, what give these crickets the right to invade?

Caller 30: They're crawling in my home! It's a mad house! A MAD HOUSE!!!

Kagy: Okay, calm down. It's not the end of the world. [dramatic music] [whisper] Or is it?

Caller 30: I've put a towel down under my front and back door! It doesn't work! They just crawl through. The noise! THE NOISE!

Kagy: Yes, you're not the first person to call about the noise. Seems they've been invading homes as far as five blocks away from the stadium. Hmmm...

Caller 30: Please help!

Kagy: I'm sorry, we're just getting information. Moving on. [click] Caller Thirty-One, Hi. Any idea on how this cricket invasion started?

Caller 31: Huh? Oh, I don't know. The lights around the field, I guess. Hey, can I get that girls number from before.

Kagy: No, I'm not a phone book.

Caller 31: You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Kagy: Doesn't matter. Not a phone book.

Caller 31: Come on. I think I know her. I think I love her. You wouldn't want to get in the way of True Love, would you?

Kagy: Have you seen any pictures of me, lately, caller Thirty-One?

Caller 31: Uh...yeah. I...uh...went to your site once.

Kagy: Do I have yellow pages sticking out of my side?

Caller 31: Uh...No.

Kagy: Did you see me wrapped up in a book cover?

Caller 31: uh...

Kagy: Do I have a map of Springhill tattooed on my back? Was there info on me about emergency numbers? Did I have coupons sticking out of me? NOT- A- PHONEBOOK!

Caller 31: But...True love. [click]

Kagy: Caller Thirty-Two, I'm not a phone book, am I?

Caller 32: Wow, I must have missed something.

Kagy: Hey, Dr. Nick. Why are you still up? I thought you had to work tomorrow.

Dr. Nick: I'm watching some online review of Episode I. Anyway, it's the lights inside Merit Field. That's what's attracting the crickets.

Kagy: Huh.

Dr. Nick: Yep. The lights around Merit Field are always on every night. Something about it being easier to leave them on than to turn them off then on or something. Well those lights have always been so bright as to light up the sky.

Kagy: Okay, I'm with you.

Dr. Nick: Insects are attracted to the lights, so all the crickets moved into the parking lot. In fact, a friend of mine said you can't see the grass in the football stadium. You know that fake statue of the Analow Crow at the north of the field? Can't see it. It's gone under all the bugs.

Kagy: Wow. Huh. Okay, any idea how to get rid of them?

Dr. Nick: Meh. There's enough crows and sparrows in town that they'll get sucked up eventually. Nature has a way of balancing these things out.

Kagy: Well, thank you for that input, Dr. Nick. [click] David is signaling to me, so I'll have to leave you for a little while, Springhill. We'll be back. Keep the calls rolling.

[Roll Commercials]


  1. Hehe, I first heard this song sung by my best friend in the 7th grade. Never forgot it, still sing what I can remember of it when I'm in a mischievious mood.

  2. Many of Lehrer's songs are that way. This is the one that I remember the lyrics to and sing in the shower.