Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What's Your First Memory?

[Segment starts with Heal It Up, by Concrete Blonde]

Kagy: I was a lier, you were a cheat. God, I love that song. Kagy, Here, and it's our midpoint, so I thought I'd switch things up. Tell me, Springhill, what's your first memory? Caller Eighteen, you're on. What's your first memory?

Caller 18: I just woke up for a horrible nightmare, Kagy, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Kagy: It's true that NOTHING is more interesting than hearing people's dreams, but I'm quite fond of nightmares. Tell me your's.

Caller 18: I was in Springhill, but everything was in Black White and Red. Remember the Goth Pizza Shop that used to be around?

Kagy: Oh yes. I used to go there all the time.

Caller 18: Well, I dreamed that a demon entered the place while a psychic woman told her niece to get out of the building. Then two men robbed the joint while I watched, but as they entered the bathroom, they each, in turn, were killed. There was blood everywhere.

Kagy: I don't know how you'de have seen that. They never had lights in the bathrooms, but it sounds like something that happened to my friend, Panda Girl. [click] Nineteenth Caller, let me hear you holler. What's your first memory?

Caller 19: Kagy, how do I ask a boy out?

Kagy: What are you, 15?

Caller 19: Well...Yeah.

Kagy: Oh...Sorry, I wasn't expecting to give a class. What's the boy like?

Caller 19: Oh, he's super. He's real soft spoken and he doesn't ask me hard questions, like what it's like to go home to a family that hate you or why your uncle invite you over and you both spend the night drinking all the cooking sherry. I mean my GOD! Who does he think he is?! And I can't tell my damn Dad, cuz he never listens to a word I say, he just picks fights and wakes me up with cigaret burns, that fucker! I'll kill them! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!!! [panting wildly]

Kagy: Ah. [pause] Well, the first thing you should do is talk to the school councilor, the second, get the boy to talk about himself then ask him out afterwards. [click] Wow, that was more awkward than my family reunions. Caller Twenty, What's your first mem-

Caller 20: Cats!

Kagy: Yes, it was a fine play. Especially if you're into furries.

Caller 20: No, the Cats are back! Why?!!

Kagy: You sound familiar.

Caller 20: I called in last week about the cats! They disappeared, and now their back! Why?!

Kagy: You think that's strange? Gargamel strolled up to my door, as happy as can be all purry and furry. He won't eat a thing, now.

Caller 20: Yeah. We notice that, too. None of the cats would eat.

Kagy: Well, alls well that ends well, I guess. We may never find out what happened.

Caller 20: But it drives me nuts! I'm going to find out, one way or the other, Kagy. Even if I have to dissect one of those beasts. [click]

Kagy: Strange. Caller Twenty-One, let's have plenty fun.

Caller 21: [Voice like William Sanderson] Chili.

Kagy: Huh?

Caller 21: My first memory. It's chili. That's why I opened the shop. Hey Kagy.

Kagy: Is this Steve?

Caller 21: That's me. Chili has been my life since my first memory.

Kagy: How old were you?

Caller 21: Three years old. That's why Steve's Deadly Chili is the best in the world. I've got tons of practice.

Kagy: You're already a sponsor, Steve. No need to plug your shop, here.

Caller 21: I just live and breath chili, Kagy. It's all I think about.

Kagy: Sure sure.

Caller 21: Well, that and little girls, but my therapist says to keep my mind busy with the chili.

Kagy: Uh...

Caller 21: So tell you're listeners, if they're in need for family fun, come on down to Steve's Deadly Chili Bowl. Bring everyone along.

Kagy: Sure, Steve.

Caller 21: Especially the Girl Scouts. [click]

Kagy: Two awkward moments in one segment? I think not. Time to run some commercials...and Dave, make sure Steve's isn't one of them, this round.

[Run commercials, including Steve's. Freak'n Dave]

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