Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Who's Your Favorite Author?

Kagy: Can you hear it? Defecate fingers clicking and tickling the keyboard of my life, tapping out fate in digital percussion. It's as if God were writing my life into Yggdrasil draped in wired and silicon. Fabulous. If you haven't guessed, you're now In the Red with me, Kagy. I've adjusted my headphone to hear you better and pulled close my wine to forget you faster. Tonight's question is, who's your favorite author? Before we get started, I have a little tune here that I should have played last show, given the question, but was lost in all the excitement. Meet me back here is a few minutes.

[Plays Bela Lugosi's Dead, by Bauhaus, Radio edit.]

Kagy: Ready to play a little game tonight, Springhill? I get a point for every caller who strays off topic. Okay, Caller one, speak with me.

Caller 1: What's the deal with anime?

Kagy: One point for me. What's wrong with anime, One?

Caller 1: What's not wrong with it? Just for starters, it's everywhere! It's like a plague, or something. All the girls have these enormous boobs and disturbingly big eyes.

Kagy: I take it you don't like cartoons?

Caller 1: Cartoons are fine. I mean, Tom and Jerry. THAT was a good cartoon. But this new anime thing is just out of control. [click]

Kagy: I see. Caller Two, any thoughts on your favorite author?

Caller 2: No, and I'm never going to read again!

Kagy: How tragic. Why, may I ask?

Caller 2: Oh, because we're all going to die.

Kagy: Yes.

Caller 2: No, I mean, yeah. We're all going to die. Sure. But I mean we're all going to die soon! Forget about 2012, or the backed up geyser in Yellow Stone Park. The government is going to destroy us first by taking away our rights. We won't be allowed to have guns, they're tracking us in every way through credit cards and soon RFID tags, They're choking up the Internet with these new rules abolishing net neutrality. The world is ending on a social level and there's nothing we can do about it!

Kagy: Don't forget all the poisons in our food and water.

Caller 2: I know! There's nothing we can do! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Kagy: [click] Of course, the world was ending since humans could light fire. Caller three, are you feeling cheerful.

Caller 3: I know what happened to the cats.

Kagy: Eh?

Caller 3: Remember, a couple of weeks back?

Kagy: Yes, we're all familiar with the mystery of the Cats of Springhill. What happened?

Caller 3: I...I was walking through the woods south of Black Well, and I found a house. I'm a photographer, you see.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, I like to photograph old buildings and decaying structures. This house looked abandoned, so I climbed in through the window. It looked like the previous owners had a...a thing in the basement. There was a lot of equipment and a lot of cat skeletons lining the walls of the basement.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, they were still there. The owners, I think. There were about five of them, dead in the attic. It looked like they fought back against something, and... [pause] God the dried blood. It was beyond creepy. But they were still there, Kagy. Just...Just the bones. Brown stained bones.

Kagy: Hmmm...Do you have photos?

Caller 3: God help me, it was all I could do. I couldn't move when I saw them. Just...I just took pictures.

Kagy: Let me transfer you to David real quick. [click] Springhill, we'll be right back.

[Roll commercials]

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