Thursday, June 10, 2010

Who's next on The Chopping Block

[Segments starts with Lover's End, by Birthday Massacre]

Kagy: Alright, Springhill, we're still here chugging away on this track called 'reality.' Let's see...which line should I pull next? How about...Caller Twenty-Five, Who will be Next on the chopping Block?

Caller 25: [voiced like Roger Jackson] I don't even know what that means, but I thought I'd get something off my chest anyway.

Kagy: Oh, sure. The Doctor is in, five cents, please, Mr. um....

Caller 25: Again, you make little sense. I don't like names. Called me Mr. Hand. I have talked with so many...I guess the only word for them is 'zealo,t' that tell me I'm going to hell if I don't change my heathen ways.

Kagy: To rule or to suffer? Wait, you've been talking to Crazy Bob, haven't you?

Caller 25: Robert Filben is ignorable. That fact that he is known as Crazy Bob makes him about as serious as an aardvark in a clown wig. No, I'm talking about people at my work place, which I shall not reveal. As inappropriate a place to declare my damnation, I still receive such thread from the children of God. I'm quite sick of it, so I'm declaring that I will indeed go to Hell if that's the price to be free to think for myself and not in the confines of religious dogma that is forced down our throats harder than any health care bill. That's right, I'm damning myself out of spite.

Kagy: A brave statement.

Caller 25: Would you like to come to Hell with me, Kagy?

Kagy: That was easily the best pickup line I have ever heard, Hand, but I can't because I still believe forgiveness is a divine ideal.

Caller 25: I don't understand what you mean.

Kagy: If forgiveness is divine then there would be no Hell. [click] Next. Caller Twenty-Six, Who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 26: Paris Hilton. I hate that bitch! She's worthless!

Kagy: Apparently she worth your attention. [click] Caller Twenty-Seven, Who's next on the Chopping block?

Caller 27: [young man's voice] Hey, Kagy, I'm in the middle of homework. I know it's late, but I have a question.

Kagy: Can't you ask your parents for help, Twenty-Seven?

Caller 27: No. They're asleep. Look, I'm in the middle of a question for Environmental Science, and it asking me what the temperature is called when humidity reaches a point to cause condensation.

Kagy: You won't believe it, Twenty-Seven. I actually know that answer. It's called a Dew Point.

Caller 27: Dew? DO A BARRLE ROLL!!! [click]

Kagy: ARGH!!! They just KEEP. GETTING. IN! Oh, this Thursday morning is turning into quite something, isn't it? Caller Twenty-Eight, who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 28: My friend is, I guess. Can you believe she doesn't like anime? I mean, it's just a aesthetic, isn't it? A cool Aesthetic. Anime is awesome!

Kagy: Uh...yes. Sure. Whatever you say, Otaku.

Caller 28: What does Kagy think about anime?

Kagy: I'm usually bored with it, excepting some individuals such as Petite Cossette and, of course, the Vampire Hunter D movies. The trouble is so many people mistake anime style for anime content. Just because it's anime does not automatically make it good. Compare a good anime, such as Eden of the East, in my opinion, against a bad anime such as the Angel Sanctuary OVA, in my opinion. Too many themes and story elements repeat themselves in most anime. The high school harem story with super esper powers saving the world from a galactic spirit world menace in the sky. It's just Meh after a while, wouldn't you agree?

Caller 28: [long pause] You're going to hell. [click]

Kagy: Might as well hook up with the early caller, then. Date accepted, Mr. Hand. We'll be back after this.

[run commercials]

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