Monday, June 28, 2010

Why Do Hangover's Suck?

Kagy: [sniffle] I have got two words for you. Horrific Hangover. For those of you who attended, I'm so sorry I threw up on everything. Things just seem to go wrong when I drink whiskey. For those who were not at Mina's this Saturday, you missed a party that dare not be spoken of. Hi, you're In the Red, with me, Kagy, and I feel like the rotting bath-towel of K.N.O.T. College Radio. The industrial vats of wine drank that night may have been enough for me to drive over every student on campus either from my cathartic nature to destroy all living things that squeak louder than 3 decibels or the PMS like mood in the cranial cavities left by fighting after the movie. There's a baby crying about three block from the K.N.O.T. building. I know because I feel every dust molecule banging against my head vibrating the smallest of noises. God I hate life. Here, children, let me play a little song for you while I grab a coffee. Enjoy.

[Played Lake Pontchartrain, by Ludo]

Kagy: Caller one, give me one reason why I shouldn't hunt you down and take ou my frustrations on your skull.

Caller 1: Alians. [sic]

Kagy: Oh good.

Caller 1: You kin scoff all you like, butt they're out thair an' they've visited us resiliently, Kagy! The Greys, the Lizard-Folk, the Moth-Men, they're are all real and human'ty has ta' come ta' terms with that.

Kagy: [snort] By my baggy eyes, you're full of it. Though, just because I like to humor each and everyone of you horror shows, why don't you give me what everyone wants; Proof?

Caller 1: I have in mah hands pho-to-graphic evidence of a spaceship land'n out back on mah brother's farm, Kagy. It is clear as the blue skah. If ya' look hair you kin see the rocket-ships engines made of some strange alian-alloy mankind has yet ta' discoverred. And hair's absolute proof of the in coming space-diplomat the govern-mint has denied existence ovar and ovar again. Look! Ya' kin see it, plain as the nose on yer face.

Kagy: [pause] Yes, that looks quite convening, Caller One. I must admit, I didn't expect to see such blatant evidence of alien contact. But don't you think it's a little blurry?

Caller 1: Ya' Skeptics. You always expect the photo's ta' be clear when take'n at night? It's hard ay-nuff ta' get an' alian ta' come down an' park on your hey-field as it is.

Kagy: Alright, Alright. I concede except for one little detail, Caller. One and only one thing that ruins your credibility enough to keep from convincing me.

Caller 1: Ee-eah? Whut's that, now?

Kagy: You are trying to show me pictures through a telephone. [Pause] Still there, One?

Caller 1: I'm so alone. [click]

Kagy: Caller Two, Aliens may destroy the world, how does that make you feel?

Caller 2: You! You bitch! What have you done with my boyfriend?

Kagy: Oh god. Was that your's? I can barely remember a thing.

Caller 2: Where is he? He won't answer his cell phone! He hasn't been home! I saw you leave with him Saturday night and never saw him again!

Kagy: [siff] Look, all I remember was walking out of the theater and waking up confused and naked with three other...bodies in a dumpster outside the Springhill Police station. Be glad we were all still alive...I think. I have no idea if one of them was your boyfriend, okay? I got out of there fast.

Caller 2: In a dumpst- What?

Kagy: And I never did find my clothes or my own cell phone. Er...Or, in fact, anyone's clothes or possessions.

Caller 2: I...uh...What did you do to him?!!

Kagy: I don't know, Two, as I told you! Just... [sigh] Just call the police and tell them to check for clues behind their station. [click] Once again, if you were at the party... [snort] Man. Just call me and tell me what happened, if you can remember. I still don't know who the other two women were. Damn, there goes that baby again. Caller Three, if I paid you in gold doubloons, would you kill me?

Caller 3: Hey Kagy I...Oh...No, I wouldn't. I just have some stuff I gotta plug on your show.

Kagy: Sure, why not? It's not dangerous, is it?

Caller 3: No, they are everyday under the counter megaphones. I have twenty-seven of these fine devices that can amplify the quietest of voices 30 to 40 decibels, and they each have an attention function! [click-SCREECH!]

Kagy: Aaaahh! [sound of headphones flying across the room]

Caller 3: Now, each of these have been supped up by yours truly and if you call me in town, I can deliver them to ya' as soon as tomorrow. [clicking sound of Megaphone] My phone number is XXX-XXXX in the 405 area-code!!! Thanks Kagy! [click]

Kagy: [sounds of fumbling and random swearing] [in a dying voice] kiiiiilllll meeee...

Caller 4: Kagy, will I ever find true love? [silence] Hello? Kagy?

Kagy: kiiilllll meeee.....

Caller 4: Uh...Kagy?

Kagy: kiillllll.....meeee......

Caller 4: Er...I...I think I got the wrong number.

Kagy: [whispering] sssevennn daaaysss....

Caller 4: I gotta go. [click]

[roll commercials]

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