Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's School Like?

Kagy: There is a subtle wind caressing the campus, tonight. It is the breath of the freshmen, in all their confusion, and the breath of the teachers in their anticipation of new minds to conform. School started today, Springhill, and the energy was noticeable. How are you doing tonight, new comers? You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy. If this is your first show all you need to know is our phone number. [listed off number that I'm not dumb enough to repeat on the internet]. Normally I begin with a question, but seeing how this is your first night in school, I declare this a free day. Call me about whatever is on your mind, Freshmen. First, however, let's begin with a little 'Processing.'

--The Last Express, by Vernian Process

Kagy: I see only a few lights on my board tonight. Are my regulars feeling timid among the new meat? Caller one, what do you think?

Caller 1: Hey, Kagy. Long time caller, first time listener. I'm coming out from OKC and I've never heard of this show. Usually I'm listening to the KATT. Any suggestions for someone new to the town?

Kagy: Yes, don't believe the hype. Inuit Bob's Bar and Grill is worthless. Except for the onion rings. Also, one street over from “The Strip” is Black's Bar. Avoid it on Friday nights. Every other night is fine.

Caller 1: The strip?

Kagy: Oh, you'll be familiar with the Strip soon enough. Good luck One. [click] Number Two, are you ready?

Caller 2: What? Huh? Oh, it's one-o-five.

Kagy: What?

Caller 2: Huh?

Kagy: You called me, Two.

Caller 2: Not yet. It's one-o-six, now.

Kagy: I see. [click] Caller three, how'est is thee?

Caller 3: Hey, is this where I call for advice?

Kagy: Depends on your problem, Three.

Caller 3: Yeah, I was almost run over by a bike outside the Student Center. Does no one watch out for pedestrians here?

Kagy: Ha ha, common sense? You're funny. No, expect to suffer tire marks if you stand anywhere near the bike paths around here.

Caller 3: And the crows?

Kagy: Don't feed them.

Caller 3: I didn't have to. They were attacking me!

Kagy: Oh. Right, I forgot to tell you, Freshmen everywhere. Do not keep any kind of muffins on you while on campus. Bread is fine, but muffin's, even if kept in a container, will attract the unwanted attention of crows. And no, we don't understand why. [click] Caller four, what do you adore?

Caller 4: I am not a number, I am a free man!

Kagy: For our purposes, you are number four.

Caller 4: I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own.

Kagy: For all official purposes, everyone has a number.

Caller 4: Who are you?

Kagy: I am number two.

Caller 4: Who is number one?

Kagy: You are number six.

Caller 4: Ha! Alright, I know when I'm beat. Any place around here one can get a good bit of RP?

Kagy: Look for the Rawhide Rollplayers at the Student Center at night. Usually on Saturdays.

Caller 4: Thanks. [click]

Kagy: Ooo, I forgot to tell him not to piss them off. They're kind of like the Springhill Mafia. Caller five, are you still al-...wait a second. I'm out of callers. David, what's going on out there? [sound of David shrugging] Well, we have time until the next commercial break, so I will punish you all for not calling me by playing Don't Worry, Kyoko, Mommy's Only Looking For Her Hand in the Snow, by Yoko Ono. When we come back from commercial, I expect there to be more lights on my phone line. Prepare.

[The horror]

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