Friday, April 30, 2010

How My Show Ends

[Note: Again, this is from the NEXT night. Thursday. Pick up on this trend, please. Also, regarding profanity: In the Red hit's the air about one minute after our calls are received so we can bleep out cursing by the callers. However, I'm assuming you are not all fanatical Christian old ladies, so I unbleep them as I write the transcripts.]

[Segments starts with Maenam, by Jami Sieber, better know from the Braid video game]

Kagy: Caller 31, we're nearly done. We're talking about South Park Censorship. Talk to me.

Caller 31: Let's me tell you something. I can't stand this town.

Kagy: No no. Feel free to stomp over my well thought up nightly question.

Caller 31: What?

Kagy: Nothing. Why is Springhill a problem, 31?

Caller 31: I'll tell you why. I'm work for the Oklahoma Census Bereau and every day I have to knock on the doors of people who can't spend ten minutes to fill out a simple questionnaire and send it back to America, which isn't the problem. The problem is this crazy town!

Kagy: What's wrong with Springhill, Caller?

Caller 31: Haven't you noticed? There's something wrong with this place! I'll give you an example. Today, I knocked on this old man's door, right? Real nice guy. He let's me in; offers me tea; polite as a man can be. His decor was a little messed up, but I've seen worse. Looked like he was a big game hunter or something, cuz everything was leather, right?

Kagy: Uh-huh.

Caller 31: So I ask him a simple question; “How many people are in the house hold?” Right? He asks back, “Does the furniture count?” And I'm all like, “What? It's Furniture.”

Kagy: Hmmm...Senile, was he?

Caller 31: No! I was sitting on human leather! Only in Springhill, man. Only in Springhill. The rest of the day was filled with what you'd expect. Running and hiding in old barns filled with meat hooks, chainsaw wielding maniacs wearing human-skin, deranged trailer park inhabitants. You know the drill.

Kagy: Wow, that's some story, Thirty-one.

Caller 31: Oh, and speaking of drills- [click]

Kagy: My night is filled with these people, folks. Thirty-two. South Park. What do you think?

Caller 32: Hello, Kagy. I have a poem for you.

Kagy: Ooo. [whisper] Poetry. Gimme.

Caller 32: Roses are red...

Kagy: Oh. It's you.

Caller 32: ...violets are blue.

Caller 32 and Kagy at once: I'll rape you with a rake! [click]

Kagy: Sometimes I wish I could block calls with this equipment. Caller thirty-three, care to comment?

Caller 33: Kagy, you ready for tomorrow night?

Kagy: Oh, Hey! It's Dr. Nick. Yes. Game on. I'll have to shuffle around for my character, but sure. We LARPing or table top tomorrow?

Nick: Table: the Requium. Oh, and I'm making chili.
[Note: for the curious, we play Vampire. What else?]

Kagy: Chili! [whispering] I love chili.

Nick: Huh? But...

Kagy: [still whispering] Chili. Gimme chili. I want chili.

Nick: But...Aren't you, like, the goth'iest girl in Oklahoma or something?

Kagy: What? Chili is goth. It's very VERY Goth. [pause] Because it's...Hmmm...dark red.

Nick: Wow.

Kagy: I like to imagine I'm eating human meat with a side of blood. Yeah.

Nick: Wow. Just Wow, Kagy. [click]

Kagy: Sorry about that personal conversation, folks. Let's finish off with one last caller. Thirty-Four, any last words?

Caller 34: [yawn] Yeah. Play some real music!

Kagy: Ah, a debate of semantics. Let's me guess. Country and Western fan?

Caller 34: Yeah. I mean, this is God's country you're in, little girl. [yawn]

Kagy: You sound pretty tired there, Pops.

Caller 34: Oh, sorry. It's just late, you know? I'm just...[yawn] Man. So yeah. Let's hear some Joe Nichols. Some Time McGraw. Throw in some Reba, man. I can't take this Halloween shit.

Kagy: I understand, sir. [sound of me rummaging through CDs] You just lay back in your tractor seat and shut you're eyes. I'll take care of you in true Oklahoma fashion. [click] I know what you're thinking, my friends. Kagy with Country music? But it's alright. We're the minority, and it pays to show a little respect to the raw-hides in “God's Country.” I'll return to Cruxshadows and Bauhaus tomorrow morning. Remember, I'll be at Mina's Movie Club at the Cerulean Theatre on campus this Saturday as every Saturday for vampire movies. This week they'll be showing Pale Blood, so look forward to that. Meet me back here tomorrow at 1:00 in the AM. [country music starts playing] In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio. It is produced, loosely, by my friend David Orger, and I'm your host, Kathryn Guilty. Thanks go to our station director, Tom Wits, and everyone who called in, yes even you, and finally everyone who listens to K.N.O.T. and/or small time radio of any sort. Good night, children and have very sweet nightmares.

[Show ends with Gen and Juice, by The Gourds]

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Middle of a Show

[Note: This is from the next night, fellows.]

[This segment began with Ghost (Beneath the Surface), by Machinae Supremacy]

Kagy: Thank you Machinae. The only band to make Comadore 64s sexy-cool. The little chronometer here in my fingers tells me we're half way through the show, this Thursday morning, so let's change the question and ask what everyone's dodging. Does the new administration make you want to cry black tears? Mr. Twelve, what do you think?

Caller 12: Hello. Is this Kagy?

Kagy: This is she. What do you think of Obama, Twelve?

Caller 12: Oh my God, I got in? I mean, I'm on the radio, right?

Kagy: You are.

Caller 12: Wow! I mean, I didn't think I'd get in! I mean, Wow. Can...You know, do you think the rest of my family can hear me?

Kagy: Not unless they suffer from insomnia. It's two in the morning, Twelve.

Caller 12: Yeah, but you don't understand. I never win at Anything.

Kagy: Win?

Caller 12: Yeah. I mean, I win something, yeah? I mean, I'm just happy I got on the radio.

Kagy: Ri-i-ight. Well, Twelve, anything you want my tens-of-listeners to hear, as long as you're on?

Caller 12: Uh...Uh...Uh...[click]

Kagy: You have nothing to fear but stage fright, Tweleve. Thirteen, what do you think of Obama?

Caller 13: Yar!

Kagy: Oh. Are you a pirate?

Caller 13: YAR!

Kagy: I see. And what do you think of Ninjas?

Caller 13: YAAAARR!

Kagy: Uhm...Hmmm...Tell me, Pirate. What be your favorite letter?

Caller 13: Er...ARRREEE!

Kagy: And what's the thing you drive around in?

Caller 13: CAAARRRRR!

Kagy: Twinkle Twinkle little...

Caller 13: STAAAARRRRRR! [click]

Kagy: That's all I can take of that. Alright, Fourteen. Obama. What's the scene?

Caller 14: More like, YOU'RE Obama.

Kagy: Excuse me?

Caller 14: You're Momma's Obama.

Kagy: What are you, ten?

Caller 14: Don't make me Obama you!

Kagy: ...What?

Caller 14: I got your Obama right HERE!

Kagy: Do you have a point, Fourteen?

Caller 14: Um...These aren't the Obamas you're looking for. [click]

Kagy: Ugh. Fifteen. I'm too tired to rhyme. What do you got?

Caller 15: Omagod, Omagod. Kagy, do you have your laptop near you?

Kagy: Hello, Darren, my Malkavian friend. No, I don't bring it to work.

Darren: Giraffes fighting! And I mean they're really REALLY tearing into each other! It's on Digg right now! You gotta see this. It's incredible!

Kagy: Giraffes fighting. How do Giraffes fight, Darren?

Darren: It's head-butt city, Kagy. And I mean, they whacking the hell out'a each other. I figured they'de be kicking, but no. They're planted on the ground with their legs spread to keep from being toppled over and they pushing one another and using their necks to smack the hell out'ta each other. It's crazy. You gotta see this. You gotta see this now.

Kagy: Wow, Darren. That's...huh. Anything else before you go?

Darren: Oh...uh...Also, rabbits can regrow their own naughty parts. [click]

Kagy: Informative. Fifteen, can YOU stay on topic?

Caller 15: No. [click]

Kagy: At least your were honest. Caller sixteen, any last words?

Caller 16: Wow! I made it on again?! I...I cant believe this! I won! I won! [click]

Kagy: There isn't enough alcohol in the world tonight, folks. Ponder on that while I cut to commercial.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How the Show Starts

Kagy: Good morning, barely. You're listening to In the Red with me, Kagy, on K.N.O.T. The moon is just over the studio right about...[pause] and I've got a classy bottle of vino I snuck in under my dress where the director never dares to look. Today, I thought I would ask, “What's keeping you up, Springhill?” What do you have to be awake about at one in the morning. As usual, I'll take your calls, but first, a spring time song for my Springhill friends. This is Tom Lehrer.

[plays Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer]

Kagy: The wine is not so classy, after all. It's really bad, but it's all I have. A little motivation, Springhill. I have a few lights lit on my board. Perhaps you can drive me to drink the rest of this swill. Caller One, you are on.

Caller 1: [eating noise] Hey, Kagy.

Kagy: Hello. Enjoying a little late night snack, I hear?

Caller 1: Yeah, about that. I'm actually calling about last night's show.

Kagy: “The strangest thing you've eaten?” [whispers] Are you eating it right now?

Caller 1: Huh? No. This is just snake. Nah, I'll tell you the worse thing I've eaten. Spider.

Kagy: I...Spiders?

Caller 1: Spider. Just one. It was a dare. I swear!

Kagy: Was it poisonous? [whispers] Was it...Delicious?

Caller 1: Nah, not poisonous, but I did need to go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. No big deal.

Kagy: And was it worth...wait. No big deal?

Caller 1: Nah, they all know me there. Send me Christmas cards an stuff. I have it done regularly; mostly due to the dare I get to eat things.

Kagy: Wow. I don't think I can stand you any more. [Click] Next caller. Number Two, what do you do?

Caller 2: I run the power plant.

Kagy: Oh No. Not you.

Caller 2: Wait, Kagy. Don't hang up!

Kagy: Can you behave yourself, Two?

Caller 2: Yes, Ma'am. See, I wanna apologize for last night. I was out'ta line when I said I wanted to see you bent over my control console.

Kagy: Yes, I don't need reminding, Two.

Caller 2: Just bent over. Flashing light showing off your beautiful bod- [click]

Kagy: Three, don't disappoint me.

Caller 3: Do a Barrel Roll! [click]

Kagy: Caller Four whom I adore. What are you up so late for?

Caller 4: [whisper] Hunt'n.

Kagy: [also whispering] Oh, I see. What are we hunt'n today, four?

Caller 4: [whisper] The most dangerous prey of all.

Kagy: [whisper] Love?

Caller 4: [whisper] Man.

Kagy: [whisper] Oooo. Are you going to eat what you shoot, like Ted Nugent? Or, I guess in this case, Ted Bundy?

Caller 4: [whisper] No, not that kind of hunt. [pause] Um...Yeah, actually, I guess it is. Listen. This jack-ass was wining about the Annalow Oxen. Right now, I'm sneaking up on him, an I'm gonna give'm a pounding for it.

Kagy: [whisper] OUR Annalow Oxen? But football isn't in season. What did he say?

Caller 4: [whisper] Said Charlie 'Nutcase' Smighter must'a been brain damaged, cuz he sits and stares at the wall before, after, and during a game, but I know better.

Kagy: [whisper] Oh. [pause] Are you close to him, yet?

Caller 4: [whisper] So close I can smell him.

Kagy: [whisper] Good. [Yelling] Smighter is a freak'n Slob who deserves to be sacked in hell forever!

Caller 4: WHAT? You take that back, you BITCH!

Guy in the background: Wha? YOU!

Caller 4: Awe, hell!

Guy in the background: Crap! [voice fading] Smighter deserves to be thrown off the team you idoiiiiiit...[click]

Kagy: Caller Five, you are Live.

Caller 5: Hello, Kathryn

Kagy: Tom?

Caller 5: Yeah. It's me. [click]

Kagy: [gulping noise] [gasp] That would be the last of the wine. I'll leave you with our sponsors while I grab another bottle to try to drown out the horrible memories of my ex husband. You're listening to K.N.O.T.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Prelude

Hello, All. I've been working for KNOT in Spinghill Oklahoma for a saddening 5 years. I thought it would be fun to share some of the transcripts with the awesome anonymous internet that surrounds and engulfs us all. May we drown together in information.

Meet me at the buoy and I'll tell you a tale. Well. A something. And if you enjoy yourself, I've done my job. If not, there are other islands to swim to, here's a compass.

"And though the static walls around me,
you were out there and you found me.
I've been out there listening all the time."
-Are You Out There, by Dar Williams