Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What's With These Cricket?

[Segments stars with Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, by Tom Lehrer]

Kagy: Somewhere under all this chaos, there is a story to be told. Not by me, of course. I'm hardly a journalist, but I sit at the riverside of information in this town and many strange things float by, including this. For those tuning in, there is a strange cricket invasion in the parking lot of Merit Field Stadium. Well, since it's the middle of the show, I think I'll change my question to “What's up with all these Crickets?” Caller Twenty-Eight, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 28: [muffle chirping noise in the background] I don't know, but they smell.

Kagy: You're near the parking lot?

Caller 28: I'm IN the Parking Lot. I'm actually in my car in front of the football stadium.

Kagy: I've seen it. It's...oh...I would say...

Caller 28: Biblical. I mean, there's not just a few crickets here. I thought you were exaggerating, but I can't see things like the doorway to the stadium because it's covered in crickets! This is crazy! I'll tell you what, tho. They smell! I never knew crickets smelled, but they stink to high heaven.

Kagy: Thanks for that update, Twenty-Eight. [click] Twenty-Nine, what's up with all these crickets?

Caller 29: They want free internet.

Kagy: Ugh. That was just awful. [click] Caller Thirty, what give these crickets the right to invade?

Caller 30: They're crawling in my home! It's a mad house! A MAD HOUSE!!!

Kagy: Okay, calm down. It's not the end of the world. [dramatic music] [whisper] Or is it?

Caller 30: I've put a towel down under my front and back door! It doesn't work! They just crawl through. The noise! THE NOISE!

Kagy: Yes, you're not the first person to call about the noise. Seems they've been invading homes as far as five blocks away from the stadium. Hmmm...

Caller 30: Please help!

Kagy: I'm sorry, we're just getting information. Moving on. [click] Caller Thirty-One, Hi. Any idea on how this cricket invasion started?

Caller 31: Huh? Oh, I don't know. The lights around the field, I guess. Hey, can I get that girls number from before.

Kagy: No, I'm not a phone book.

Caller 31: You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Kagy: Doesn't matter. Not a phone book.

Caller 31: Come on. I think I know her. I think I love her. You wouldn't want to get in the way of True Love, would you?

Kagy: Have you seen any pictures of me, lately, caller Thirty-One?

Caller 31: Uh...yeah. I...uh...went to your site once.

Kagy: Do I have yellow pages sticking out of my side?

Caller 31: Uh...No.

Kagy: Did you see me wrapped up in a book cover?

Caller 31: uh...

Kagy: Do I have a map of Springhill tattooed on my back? Was there info on me about emergency numbers? Did I have coupons sticking out of me? NOT- A- PHONEBOOK!

Caller 31: But...True love. [click]

Kagy: Caller Thirty-Two, I'm not a phone book, am I?

Caller 32: Wow, I must have missed something.

Kagy: Hey, Dr. Nick. Why are you still up? I thought you had to work tomorrow.

Dr. Nick: I'm watching some online review of Episode I. Anyway, it's the lights inside Merit Field. That's what's attracting the crickets.

Kagy: Huh.

Dr. Nick: Yep. The lights around Merit Field are always on every night. Something about it being easier to leave them on than to turn them off then on or something. Well those lights have always been so bright as to light up the sky.

Kagy: Okay, I'm with you.

Dr. Nick: Insects are attracted to the lights, so all the crickets moved into the parking lot. In fact, a friend of mine said you can't see the grass in the football stadium. You know that fake statue of the Analow Crow at the north of the field? Can't see it. It's gone under all the bugs.

Kagy: Wow. Huh. Okay, any idea how to get rid of them?

Dr. Nick: Meh. There's enough crows and sparrows in town that they'll get sucked up eventually. Nature has a way of balancing these things out.

Kagy: Well, thank you for that input, Dr. Nick. [click] David is signaling to me, so I'll have to leave you for a little while, Springhill. We'll be back. Keep the calls rolling.

[Roll Commercials]

Monday, June 28, 2010

Why Do Hangover's Suck?

Kagy: [sniffle] I have got two words for you. Horrific Hangover. For those of you who attended, I'm so sorry I threw up on everything. Things just seem to go wrong when I drink whiskey. For those who were not at Mina's this Saturday, you missed a party that dare not be spoken of. Hi, you're In the Red, with me, Kagy, and I feel like the rotting bath-towel of K.N.O.T. College Radio. The industrial vats of wine drank that night may have been enough for me to drive over every student on campus either from my cathartic nature to destroy all living things that squeak louder than 3 decibels or the PMS like mood in the cranial cavities left by fighting after the movie. There's a baby crying about three block from the K.N.O.T. building. I know because I feel every dust molecule banging against my head vibrating the smallest of noises. God I hate life. Here, children, let me play a little song for you while I grab a coffee. Enjoy.

[Played Lake Pontchartrain, by Ludo]

Kagy: Caller one, give me one reason why I shouldn't hunt you down and take ou my frustrations on your skull.

Caller 1: Alians. [sic]

Kagy: Oh good.

Caller 1: You kin scoff all you like, butt they're out thair an' they've visited us resiliently, Kagy! The Greys, the Lizard-Folk, the Moth-Men, they're are all real and human'ty has ta' come ta' terms with that.

Kagy: [snort] By my baggy eyes, you're full of it. Though, just because I like to humor each and everyone of you horror shows, why don't you give me what everyone wants; Proof?

Caller 1: I have in mah hands pho-to-graphic evidence of a spaceship land'n out back on mah brother's farm, Kagy. It is clear as the blue skah. If ya' look hair you kin see the rocket-ships engines made of some strange alian-alloy mankind has yet ta' discoverred. And hair's absolute proof of the in coming space-diplomat the govern-mint has denied existence ovar and ovar again. Look! Ya' kin see it, plain as the nose on yer face.

Kagy: [pause] Yes, that looks quite convening, Caller One. I must admit, I didn't expect to see such blatant evidence of alien contact. But don't you think it's a little blurry?

Caller 1: Ya' Skeptics. You always expect the photo's ta' be clear when take'n at night? It's hard ay-nuff ta' get an' alian ta' come down an' park on your hey-field as it is.

Kagy: Alright, Alright. I concede except for one little detail, Caller. One and only one thing that ruins your credibility enough to keep from convincing me.

Caller 1: Ee-eah? Whut's that, now?

Kagy: You are trying to show me pictures through a telephone. [Pause] Still there, One?

Caller 1: I'm so alone. [click]

Kagy: Caller Two, Aliens may destroy the world, how does that make you feel?

Caller 2: You! You bitch! What have you done with my boyfriend?

Kagy: Oh god. Was that your's? I can barely remember a thing.

Caller 2: Where is he? He won't answer his cell phone! He hasn't been home! I saw you leave with him Saturday night and never saw him again!

Kagy: [siff] Look, all I remember was walking out of the theater and waking up confused and naked with three other...bodies in a dumpster outside the Springhill Police station. Be glad we were all still alive...I think. I have no idea if one of them was your boyfriend, okay? I got out of there fast.

Caller 2: In a dumpst- What?

Kagy: And I never did find my clothes or my own cell phone. Er...Or, in fact, anyone's clothes or possessions.

Caller 2: I...uh...What did you do to him?!!

Kagy: I don't know, Two, as I told you! Just... [sigh] Just call the police and tell them to check for clues behind their station. [click] Once again, if you were at the party... [snort] Man. Just call me and tell me what happened, if you can remember. I still don't know who the other two women were. Damn, there goes that baby again. Caller Three, if I paid you in gold doubloons, would you kill me?

Caller 3: Hey Kagy I...Oh...No, I wouldn't. I just have some stuff I gotta plug on your show.

Kagy: Sure, why not? It's not dangerous, is it?

Caller 3: No, they are everyday under the counter megaphones. I have twenty-seven of these fine devices that can amplify the quietest of voices 30 to 40 decibels, and they each have an attention function! [click-SCREECH!]

Kagy: Aaaahh! [sound of headphones flying across the room]

Caller 3: Now, each of these have been supped up by yours truly and if you call me in town, I can deliver them to ya' as soon as tomorrow. [clicking sound of Megaphone] My phone number is XXX-XXXX in the 405 area-code!!! Thanks Kagy! [click]

Kagy: [sounds of fumbling and random swearing] [in a dying voice] kiiiiilllll meeee...

Caller 4: Kagy, will I ever find true love? [silence] Hello? Kagy?

Kagy: kiiilllll meeee.....

Caller 4: Uh...Kagy?

Kagy: kiillllll.....meeee......

Caller 4: Er...I...I think I got the wrong number.

Kagy: [whispering] sssevennn daaaysss....

Caller 4: I gotta go. [click]

[roll commercials]

Friday, June 18, 2010

Justin Bieber Attacks

[Segment starts with Personal Jesus, by Depeche Mode, performed by Marilyn Manson]

Kagy: Oh thank God for Manson. For those of you tuning in, we're under attack here at In the Red because someone realized that Justin Bieber is the devil and decided to call in playing him every five minutes. If you're out there, ghost of Alester Crowly, I could use some voodoo that you do. Oh....Oh my phone lines are lit up, but I'm afraid to touch them. Here goes...Caller talk to me.

Caller 42: Still working on the source, Kagy.

Kagy: Thank Poe, it's Malchavian Daren. What do you mean, the source?

Darren: Me and Dr. Nick have been messing with your phone lines. We were listening in and decided to start hacking into the phone system...Hang on. What? Why are you giving me the signal to shut up?

Dr. Nick: [in the background] Quiet, already!

Darren: Oh, right. I mean to say we certainly would never hack into a public phone system, that would be illegal. Anyway, the most we've found by tracing the source is the calls are coming from inside Springhill.

Kagy: Brilliant. You are truly an epic detective duo. Hold on, I got another call. [click] Caller Forty-Three, whats...

Caller 43: [Plays a clicp of Eenie Meenie Minee Mo Lover, by Justin Bieber]

Kagy: [with hatred] NO! [click] The horror. The horror. Caller Forty-Four...Please be safe to pick up.

Caller 44: [sounds like Roger Jackson] Trouble tonight, Kagy?

Kagy: I'll ask the questions here. But...I forgot what tonight's question was. Ugh. What's up, Forty-Four?

Caller 44: I was about to call regarding the failings of reason and how it's dangerous to rely exclusively upon it, but your plight is far more interesting.

Kagy: Ah, this would be Mr. Hand.

Caller 44: Indeed. Tell me, Kagy, why would the vocals of America's preteen star bother you so?

Kagy: Or you kidding? His voice sounds more autotuned than T-Pain. Forget my own toxic hatred for diabetes inducing pop-music, this would be an attack upon my audience.

Caller 44: You could always start screening calls.

Kagy: And ruin the spontaneity of Springhill's public? I'm not sure it's worth it.

Caller 44: You're choice, of course. Sounds like you change the show's format to screened calls or change it's name to In the Red with Justin Bieber. I'll leave the decision to you.

Kagy: Mr. Hand, it almost sounds like you had something to do with this?

Caller 44: And you sound paranoid. I am just presenting out an observation. Good luck, Kagy. [click]

Kagy: That was creepy. Caller Forty-Five, talk to me. And NO MUSIC!

Caller 45: Hey, Kagy. It's the Barrle Roll guys. We're calling cuz we feel sorry for you.

Kagy: Er...Thanks you?

Caller 45: You know what you ought to do?

Kagy: I can guess. [click] Alright. [breaths] Here we go. Caller Forty-Six, what's on your-

Caller 46: [Plays a clip from One Less Lonely Girl, by Justin Bieber]

Kagy: [Unintelligible screaming] [click] Hang on a second, Springhill. [dialing noise]

Darren: Uh...Hello?

Kagy: Darren, any luck?

Darren: Nope, we're still checking. Most likely we won't know until tomorrow's show, if they do this again. Um...Not there there's anyway we'd know 'cuz we're defiantly not doing anything illegal.

Dr. Nick: [in the background] Dude, would you shut up!

Darren: I gotta go, Kagy.

Kagy: Yeah, sure. [click] Okay, one last call. First I will clear the lines...and last Caller, speak.

Caller 47: [Plays a clip from Never Say Never, by Justin Bieber] [click]

Kagy: NEVER! [sound of angry screaming in concert with something thrown across the room] Okay...Okay...We're done. I know it's a little early, but I think we've both had enough, Springhill. Tomorrow I'll be a the Cerulean Theatre on Campus. Mina's Movie Club will be showing The Night Flier. Blah Blah blah. I'm done. [About a minute of dead air] Okay. I said ALRIGHT! Grrr. [Read quickly] In the Red is produced by David Orger and I'm you're host Kathryn Guilty. This was a K.N.O.T. College Radio production. Thanks go to our fearless leader, Tom Wits and anyone who listened. Thanks to everyone who called in except you! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Good Night and die in a fire. [click]

[Show ends with She's Unreal, by Meat Beat Manifesto]

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Who's next on The Chopping Block

[Segments starts with Lover's End, by Birthday Massacre]

Kagy: Alright, Springhill, we're still here chugging away on this track called 'reality.' Let's see...which line should I pull next? How about...Caller Twenty-Five, Who will be Next on the chopping Block?

Caller 25: [voiced like Roger Jackson] I don't even know what that means, but I thought I'd get something off my chest anyway.

Kagy: Oh, sure. The Doctor is in, five cents, please, Mr. um....

Caller 25: Again, you make little sense. I don't like names. Called me Mr. Hand. I have talked with so many...I guess the only word for them is 'zealo,t' that tell me I'm going to hell if I don't change my heathen ways.

Kagy: To rule or to suffer? Wait, you've been talking to Crazy Bob, haven't you?

Caller 25: Robert Filben is ignorable. That fact that he is known as Crazy Bob makes him about as serious as an aardvark in a clown wig. No, I'm talking about people at my work place, which I shall not reveal. As inappropriate a place to declare my damnation, I still receive such thread from the children of God. I'm quite sick of it, so I'm declaring that I will indeed go to Hell if that's the price to be free to think for myself and not in the confines of religious dogma that is forced down our throats harder than any health care bill. That's right, I'm damning myself out of spite.

Kagy: A brave statement.

Caller 25: Would you like to come to Hell with me, Kagy?

Kagy: That was easily the best pickup line I have ever heard, Hand, but I can't because I still believe forgiveness is a divine ideal.

Caller 25: I don't understand what you mean.

Kagy: If forgiveness is divine then there would be no Hell. [click] Next. Caller Twenty-Six, Who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 26: Paris Hilton. I hate that bitch! She's worthless!

Kagy: Apparently she worth your attention. [click] Caller Twenty-Seven, Who's next on the Chopping block?

Caller 27: [young man's voice] Hey, Kagy, I'm in the middle of homework. I know it's late, but I have a question.

Kagy: Can't you ask your parents for help, Twenty-Seven?

Caller 27: No. They're asleep. Look, I'm in the middle of a question for Environmental Science, and it asking me what the temperature is called when humidity reaches a point to cause condensation.

Kagy: You won't believe it, Twenty-Seven. I actually know that answer. It's called a Dew Point.

Caller 27: Dew? DO A BARRLE ROLL!!! [click]

Kagy: ARGH!!! They just KEEP. GETTING. IN! Oh, this Thursday morning is turning into quite something, isn't it? Caller Twenty-Eight, who's next on the chopping block?

Caller 28: My friend is, I guess. Can you believe she doesn't like anime? I mean, it's just a aesthetic, isn't it? A cool Aesthetic. Anime is awesome!

Kagy: Uh...yes. Sure. Whatever you say, Otaku.

Caller 28: What does Kagy think about anime?

Kagy: I'm usually bored with it, excepting some individuals such as Petite Cossette and, of course, the Vampire Hunter D movies. The trouble is so many people mistake anime style for anime content. Just because it's anime does not automatically make it good. Compare a good anime, such as Eden of the East, in my opinion, against a bad anime such as the Angel Sanctuary OVA, in my opinion. Too many themes and story elements repeat themselves in most anime. The high school harem story with super esper powers saving the world from a galactic spirit world menace in the sky. It's just Meh after a while, wouldn't you agree?

Caller 28: [long pause] You're going to hell. [click]

Kagy: Might as well hook up with the early caller, then. Date accepted, Mr. Hand. We'll be back after this.

[run commercials]

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Who's Your Favorite Author?

Kagy: Can you hear it? Defecate fingers clicking and tickling the keyboard of my life, tapping out fate in digital percussion. It's as if God were writing my life into Yggdrasil draped in wired and silicon. Fabulous. If you haven't guessed, you're now In the Red with me, Kagy. I've adjusted my headphone to hear you better and pulled close my wine to forget you faster. Tonight's question is, who's your favorite author? Before we get started, I have a little tune here that I should have played last show, given the question, but was lost in all the excitement. Meet me back here is a few minutes.

[Plays Bela Lugosi's Dead, by Bauhaus, Radio edit.]

Kagy: Ready to play a little game tonight, Springhill? I get a point for every caller who strays off topic. Okay, Caller one, speak with me.

Caller 1: What's the deal with anime?

Kagy: One point for me. What's wrong with anime, One?

Caller 1: What's not wrong with it? Just for starters, it's everywhere! It's like a plague, or something. All the girls have these enormous boobs and disturbingly big eyes.

Kagy: I take it you don't like cartoons?

Caller 1: Cartoons are fine. I mean, Tom and Jerry. THAT was a good cartoon. But this new anime thing is just out of control. [click]

Kagy: I see. Caller Two, any thoughts on your favorite author?

Caller 2: No, and I'm never going to read again!

Kagy: How tragic. Why, may I ask?

Caller 2: Oh, because we're all going to die.

Kagy: Yes.

Caller 2: No, I mean, yeah. We're all going to die. Sure. But I mean we're all going to die soon! Forget about 2012, or the backed up geyser in Yellow Stone Park. The government is going to destroy us first by taking away our rights. We won't be allowed to have guns, they're tracking us in every way through credit cards and soon RFID tags, They're choking up the Internet with these new rules abolishing net neutrality. The world is ending on a social level and there's nothing we can do about it!

Kagy: Don't forget all the poisons in our food and water.

Caller 2: I know! There's nothing we can do! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Kagy: [click] Of course, the world was ending since humans could light fire. Caller three, are you feeling cheerful.

Caller 3: I know what happened to the cats.

Kagy: Eh?

Caller 3: Remember, a couple of weeks back?

Kagy: Yes, we're all familiar with the mystery of the Cats of Springhill. What happened?

Caller 3: I...I was walking through the woods south of Black Well, and I found a house. I'm a photographer, you see.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, I like to photograph old buildings and decaying structures. This house looked abandoned, so I climbed in through the window. It looked like the previous owners had a...a thing in the basement. There was a lot of equipment and a lot of cat skeletons lining the walls of the basement.

Kagy: Uh huh.

Caller 3: Well, they were still there. The owners, I think. There were about five of them, dead in the attic. It looked like they fought back against something, and... [pause] God the dried blood. It was beyond creepy. But they were still there, Kagy. Just...Just the bones. Brown stained bones.

Kagy: Hmmm...Do you have photos?

Caller 3: God help me, it was all I could do. I couldn't move when I saw them. Just...I just took pictures.

Kagy: Let me transfer you to David real quick. [click] Springhill, we'll be right back.

[Roll commercials]

Monday, June 7, 2010

What is Lookville?

Hey, Springhill.

If I may step slightly out of character for a bit, I just received this in the mail and thought I might share the automation of the internet with you. First, read this [Anything in brackets is my addition]:

Hi there blogger! [Hello, Robot]
Just visited your [Machine Voice] "In the Red with Kagy" [End Machine Voice] blog and I was super impressed by its design and content. [That's Super! Clearly, you didn't notice I use a stock design that barely works with my content, but thanks for the flattery.] We just opened up our site Lookville for beta testing. [Uh-Oh, I see where THIS is going.] It's a place for people to have discussions, share tips, and ask questions about fashion. [Okay, clearly you didn't read my blog nor its description] Currently, memberships are by invitation only and I would love to have you on it! [What? Why? I'm a Goth DJ in Podunk Oklahoma, not Tyra Banks] Use this invitation link to sign up if you're interested: [Link withheld]

And we would love to hear your feedback.
- Heidi C.
[Goodbye, Robot.]

I won't pretend to be slightly flattered that In the Red has gathered the attention of bots so soon, but it does seem out of place, doesn't it? Lookville, if you are interested, is like, only with fashion blogs at it's center instead of the news. This seems like a stable concept, but their recruiting methods leave something to be desired. Is it a scam spam? Probably not. As Dr. Nick tells me, it's just a budding website, trying to get it's wheels off the ground.

Tune in tomorrow, Springhill. I shall endeavored to continue my transcripts.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Who is Your Favorite Dracula?

[Segments starts with Sick and Beautiful, by the Artificial Joy Club]

Kagy: Thirty-Nine calls! We're booking it tonight, Springhill. Caller, you are number Forty! Now, who played your favorite Dracula?

Caller 40: Oh my God! Did I win?

Kagy: No, Forty, you're just number Forty tonight. Who played your fav-

Caller 40: What did I win?!

Kagy: Listen, sister. There is no prize! You get nothing!

Caller 40: Great! How much is it worth?

Kagy: I...uh...[click] Forty-One, who is your favorite Dracula Actor?

Caller 41: Christopher Lee. [Click]

Kagy: Ooo, nice choice. Back when he was hot. Forty-Two, what about you?

Caller 42: [much talking in the background] Hey, Kagy.

Kagy: Er...Is this Tom?

Tom: Yeah, Babe. I'm out here at the Mave and we all decided that Lugosi was the best by popular vote.

Kagy: The popular vote, of course. Who were second choices?

Tom: Lee, of course, but also Gary Oldman, Richard Roxburgh, and, I can't believe I'm saying this, William Marshall.

Kagy: William who?

Tom: [long pause] He was Blackula.

Kagy: I...uh... [click] What caller am I on? Oh yes. Forty-Three, what of thee? Who's your favorite Dracula?

Caller 43: [whispering] Shhh...I'm hiding.

Kagy: Oh good, a stalker.

Caller 43: I just found this get together of the Springhill Knights, a collection of farm boys and high school kids who dish out their own brand of vigilante justice.

Kagy: Oh...I know about the Knights. You should probably just walk up and say 'Hi.' They don't like suspicious stalkers.

Caller 43: They have a bonfire just at the edge of town. I heard them on my CB radio.

Kagy: Yes, they still use those even after the invention of the cell phones. Tell me, do you see a man near the fire in a red cowboy hat and leather jacket?

Caller 43: Uh...let me see....yeah...yeah he's next to a truck right in front of me. I can just make out the license's...[click]

Kagy: One moment, Springhill. [dialing noise followed by ringing]

Voice: Hello?

Kagy: Kicker? Turn on your headlights.

Voice: Kagy?

Kagy: Headlights.

Voice: Alright alright. There, they're on.

Background Voices: Hey, who's that? What the? GET HIM! [click]

Kagy: [laughs] Oh, sometimes this is too easy. Forty-Four, what's up?

Caller 44: The dude from Monster Squad! He was the most awesome Dracula of all.

Kagy: Monster Squaud... Let's see, that was...Duncan Regehr. Also, one of my favorite movies as a child.

Caller 44: Yay! [click]

Kagy: Alright, let's finish this at a nice round forty-five. Caller, who is your favorite Dracula.

Caller 45: Hello, Kathryn.

Kagy: Hey, everyone! It's Vlad! Vlad, Springhill is curious. Who is Springhill's-only-vampire's choice for best Dracula.

Vlad: Does Max Schreck count?

Kagy: I...uh... [click] And I'm calling it a morning, faithful listeners. As always I'll be on tomorrow morning at One, and you can meet me at the Cerulean Theatre for Mina's Movie Club. This week, we're watching Blood: the Last Vampire; anime version. In the Red is a production of K.N.O.T. College Radio and is produced, roughly, by David Orger. Thanks go to our station director, Tom Wits and to everyone who called in. Even you. I'd like to thank anyone listening to this or any small time radio. Have a good sleep with pleasant nightmares. And Vlad, yes, Max Schreck counts...I think.

[End with My Favorite Things, by Rodgers and Hammerstein, performed by Pomplamoose]

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What's Your First Memory?

[Segment starts with Heal It Up, by Concrete Blonde]

Kagy: I was a lier, you were a cheat. God, I love that song. Kagy, Here, and it's our midpoint, so I thought I'd switch things up. Tell me, Springhill, what's your first memory? Caller Eighteen, you're on. What's your first memory?

Caller 18: I just woke up for a horrible nightmare, Kagy, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Kagy: It's true that NOTHING is more interesting than hearing people's dreams, but I'm quite fond of nightmares. Tell me your's.

Caller 18: I was in Springhill, but everything was in Black White and Red. Remember the Goth Pizza Shop that used to be around?

Kagy: Oh yes. I used to go there all the time.

Caller 18: Well, I dreamed that a demon entered the place while a psychic woman told her niece to get out of the building. Then two men robbed the joint while I watched, but as they entered the bathroom, they each, in turn, were killed. There was blood everywhere.

Kagy: I don't know how you'de have seen that. They never had lights in the bathrooms, but it sounds like something that happened to my friend, Panda Girl. [click] Nineteenth Caller, let me hear you holler. What's your first memory?

Caller 19: Kagy, how do I ask a boy out?

Kagy: What are you, 15?

Caller 19: Well...Yeah.

Kagy: Oh...Sorry, I wasn't expecting to give a class. What's the boy like?

Caller 19: Oh, he's super. He's real soft spoken and he doesn't ask me hard questions, like what it's like to go home to a family that hate you or why your uncle invite you over and you both spend the night drinking all the cooking sherry. I mean my GOD! Who does he think he is?! And I can't tell my damn Dad, cuz he never listens to a word I say, he just picks fights and wakes me up with cigaret burns, that fucker! I'll kill them! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!!! [panting wildly]

Kagy: Ah. [pause] Well, the first thing you should do is talk to the school councilor, the second, get the boy to talk about himself then ask him out afterwards. [click] Wow, that was more awkward than my family reunions. Caller Twenty, What's your first mem-

Caller 20: Cats!

Kagy: Yes, it was a fine play. Especially if you're into furries.

Caller 20: No, the Cats are back! Why?!!

Kagy: You sound familiar.

Caller 20: I called in last week about the cats! They disappeared, and now their back! Why?!

Kagy: You think that's strange? Gargamel strolled up to my door, as happy as can be all purry and furry. He won't eat a thing, now.

Caller 20: Yeah. We notice that, too. None of the cats would eat.

Kagy: Well, alls well that ends well, I guess. We may never find out what happened.

Caller 20: But it drives me nuts! I'm going to find out, one way or the other, Kagy. Even if I have to dissect one of those beasts. [click]

Kagy: Strange. Caller Twenty-One, let's have plenty fun.

Caller 21: [Voice like William Sanderson] Chili.

Kagy: Huh?

Caller 21: My first memory. It's chili. That's why I opened the shop. Hey Kagy.

Kagy: Is this Steve?

Caller 21: That's me. Chili has been my life since my first memory.

Kagy: How old were you?

Caller 21: Three years old. That's why Steve's Deadly Chili is the best in the world. I've got tons of practice.

Kagy: You're already a sponsor, Steve. No need to plug your shop, here.

Caller 21: I just live and breath chili, Kagy. It's all I think about.

Kagy: Sure sure.

Caller 21: Well, that and little girls, but my therapist says to keep my mind busy with the chili.

Kagy: Uh...

Caller 21: So tell you're listeners, if they're in need for family fun, come on down to Steve's Deadly Chili Bowl. Bring everyone along.

Kagy: Sure, Steve.

Caller 21: Especially the Girl Scouts. [click]

Kagy: Two awkward moments in one segment? I think not. Time to run some commercials...and Dave, make sure Steve's isn't one of them, this round.

[Run commercials, including Steve's. Freak'n Dave]